Not sure whether to do something or do nothing!!

[Clutterfreeintraining]

Bit of a crap title, sorry

After years of shitty behaviour from my father, an argument 2 years ago put an end to our relationship (as far as I'm concerned, at least). He's not prepared to discuss it with me and believes he did nothing wrong and I can't continue pretending his behaviour is normal so we haven't seen or spoken to each other since then. I'm offering the same level of effort as he is...apart from this one issue.

He continues to send a birthday and Christmas card. I don't want either and believe he's only sending them to keep his conscience clear.

This in itself isn't a big issue but he passes the cards to my dsis to pass on to me. It upsets me because I feel like both dsis think I'm being the unreasonable one by not making any effort with him and are also not prepared to talk about the situation with me. One dsis was more upset over the incident 2 years ago but is happy to forget about it rather than tell dad he upset her.

Each time a card comes via dsis I feel like I'm back to square one of doubting myself. I remind myself that he did do the wrong thing and I was right to stand up for myself and that dsis is just stuck in a lifelong habit of doing what she's been told to by him so maybe I shouldn't ask her to stop delivering the cards. Life moves on, I forget about it all and then the next birthday or Christmas comes around again!! I'm sure it will be less of an issue as the years roll on but for now, I'm looking for advice whether to ask her to stop bringing the cards, ask him to stop sending the cards (altogether or via dsis) or just suck it up and learn to not be bothered by any of it

You can ask her to stop passing them on and explain how you feel about it.

If she refuses, then you maybe need a ritual of what you need to reinforce in yourself when you get them. Something you can do every time.

So you could say to yourself something like: “this card makes me feel guilty, but I know I was right to remove myself from a toxic relationship. I trust myself and respect my decision”. Whilst binning it.

Just so you know that’s always where you go in your mind when the card arrives. You’re prepared.

Might sound forced but little rituals can help and act as little weapons against self attack.

Tell her to stop passing on cards. Ask her to tell him you don’t want any more. If she/they won’t, then send him a brief text telling him yourself.

Thanks for the replies.

Atrocious - that's kind of what I've been doing up until now. I feel like dsis is taking his side over mine which I know is really childish and unfair of me to expect her to choose (because I don't expect her to choose) so I try to look at it from her point of view which then winds me up because she doesn't pay me the same courtesy...and round and round I go. I really need to stop overthinking it.

Cherry - I'm fairly certain there's not a hope in hell of her telling him to stop sending them. I'd have to ask him directly so maybe that's what I should do.

Ask her to just not give you the cards. She can accept them from him if it keeps their relationship level and then bin them.

That way it doesn’t rupture anything between them if that’s what she wants.

Atrocious - thanks for the replies. Having read the stately homes threads over the last few days, I can now see the issue lies far deeper than just the card delivering and I'm not sure yet whether I want to deal with that at this point.

If in doubt do nothing OP..until a plan of how to tackle it becomes clearer...You get the card say thank you dsis ,,leave it on the side then bin it when she has gone.....as to the long term nothing needs sorting til you feel ready to deal with it...