Is ths a huge effort in the context of online dating and should i cancel the date because of it?

[user6hty]

I have a record of choosing the wrong men or making things more complicated than they need to be! I also don't like it when men are too full on or appear to like me too much at the start (I am in therapy and starting to understand it all, but that's me where dating is concerned).

I work all over a 100 mile area and the other week I matched with someone online who lives 80 miles from me. we spoke on the phone and it was such a nice conversation, first time in a long time where I have felt anything (of course when we meet it could ne entirely different!). I am going to a city this weekend to see a friend, which he knows as he asked what I was up to etc. he then suggested meeting me there for a coffee on sunday.

this location is half way between us, but I am seeing a friend first and he would just be coming to meet me. his profile said he was looking to settle down (me too) so he is obviously taking dating seriously and does want to meet to see if we get on in person. he didn't strike me as particularly clingy or anything on the phone and seems to have his own life. but I feel put off by his effort. it is a long way - about an hour and a half drive. am I being silly about this? anyone have any experience?

He's meeting you half way. What's the problem?

Well you are going to be in thsi city anyway, it’s not like you are driving 1.5 hours just to see him.

Just go, it’s not a big deal. It’s an hour out your life.

He’s just being considerate and you sound like you’re looking for excuses to not like him already!
Try and relax and just enjoy it.

I mean too much effort from him...

I would do it; you’ll get a sense quite quickly if he’s a bit much. Surely if you’re using your dating app in the area you’re away working you’d know that you’ll end up matching with people in that area or have I misunderstood how it works?

Yep, you’re being silly. He’s suggesting meeting at a mutually convenient location for a coffee, less effort than if he were to come to your town. Thing is, you’ve already created this ‘barrier’ for yourself, dooming the relationship before it even starts....

Both of you, presumably, joined the site to meet nice people/a nice person. And to have a coffee out sounds the most appropriate, least pressured way to do it.
From his point of view, he's going to his local city - an interesting place?- to have a look around/shop/hang out and get to have coffee with a hopefully nice woman...That doesn't sound like any effort at all. It sounds...nice.

Meet him, he's not being over the top at all by the sound of it.

I'm not sure why you began a conversation with someone who lives 80 miles away if the idea of him travelling 40 miles to meet you would put you off instantly....how would it have ever progressed beyond the phone?

No it's fine. He suggested it and you're in that city anyway. If you do get on someone will always have to go out of their way to meet up.

It's fine but if you want a more serious relationship where you're seeing someone several times a week and potentially moving in together at some point, it's going to be tricky at that distance.

If you just want the fun of a one off date then go for it.

I think you are already asking yourself why unavailable men seem more appealing than the available ones and this man falls into the first category IMHO.

It sounds to me that he got the same as you from the phone conversation and wants to see how you get on in person. You being closer is a ideal time, just meet him have a coffee and see how you feel.

If it's half way it's what 40 miles? I've done further than that to pick up a pair of shoes.

An hour and a half to do 40 miles? Is he cycling?? 😂

I do wonder why you started a conversation with someone who lives 80 miles away if you thought that travelling that distance would constitute too much "effort" for a first date. Can I ask why someone appearing keen would be such an offputting thing anyway? I can understand that lovebombing and clinginess are not attractive, but simply being interested enough to want to meet you?

I think you're maybe not ready to get into a relationship and you're looking for obstacles. I'm familiar with the tactic myself!

I'm also perplexed how come it would take an hour and a half to travel 40 miles!

I also don't know how you thought you could date or have a relationship with someone living 80 miles away if going half way was too much effort and looks too keen? How is it going to work? Are you going to do all the 80 mile trip every time you meet if you are suspicious of him travelling any distance?

Maybe you're not ready for a distance relationship.

God forbid he should be going to too much effort