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Relationships

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Original poster

No physical relationship for 8 years

22 replies

salem1963 · 18/05/2019 05:46

I’m in a lovely and very settled relationship and have been for 15 years
For the last 8 years we have had no sex at all my partner is going through the menopause and I’m very understanding about this,I used to be quite highly sexed but she isn’t so it’s somthing I’ve learnt to live with,we talk about it every so often and she knows that it’s not Normal and says she’ll try and sort it out but it never happens,if I try to be romantic or show too much affection she becomes embarrassed and shys away I love her dearly but this is becoming a problem for me I have know idea what to do can anyone suggest anything that I could do

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 18/05/2019 06:02

She could see the GP about it. It doesn't sound like she's made any effort at all which isn't good.

Sex is important....the question is, are you happy to stay with her and never have sex again or if you knew that it would never happen again, would you leave?

At the moment you're living in hope. Is that hope warranted though? After 8 years of no effort, I'd say....hmm...maybe not.

Flobochin · 18/05/2019 06:17

There is more to marriage than sex in my opinion. In sickness and in health.

The menopause is huge in a woman's life and the changes have an enormous affect on the libido. She may have vaginal dryness on top of everything else, that makes sex too painful. She may also hate the way her body is changing, and feel very unsexy.

ChickenFoot37 · 18/05/2019 06:28

Does she want to change that aspect of your relationship? Is she missing sex and want that back? If Yes, wonderful. GP and maybe some counselling could help her remember how important and fantastic sex is. If the answer is no...then time to move on in my opinion.

Scott72 · 18/05/2019 08:20

@Flobochin If you were married and your spouse just decided no sex, ever again, no real reason, would you say "well there's more to marriage than sex" And reading between the lines, his wife lost interest in sex well before the start of menopause. Years before. Of course now she's started the menopause, this is going to make it harder for him to separate from her without seeming like an asshole.

Original poster

salem1963 · 18/05/2019 08:36

I love this this woman so much we’ve been to hell and back over the 15 years lLL health money issues lot our house and business she had a shit life before me as did I she helped me bring up my kids she lost hers 28 years ago (still birth) so that was a massive thing for her I would never leave her just don’t know where to go with this anymore sex isn’t everything but ......

OP posts:

Scott72 · 18/05/2019 08:54

You'll have to have a very frank discussion with her. Tell you know she never wants to have sex again. She'll deny it, but it seems to be the truth. Assure her you know she can't help it, but you both need to work out what to do about it. Open the relationship? Leave? Masturbation?

Flobochin · 18/05/2019 10:23

@Scott72

I speak from experience. That's all I'm going to say.

Jsku · 18/05/2019 10:24

It’s really up to you here.
First thing you have to accept is that after 8 years of no sex it is not coming back to this relationship.
And it most likely isn’t related to menopause. She lost the desire for you 8 years ago.
But other than sex you seem to have a good relationship. So, why not keep it as is?

I’ll get stones thrown at me - but in this case where one spouse unilaterally stops having sex for years - all bets are off. She has lost her claim/right/etc on your fidelity.
I’d get a discrete fwb. Someone in the same boat as you would be best.

Jsku · 18/05/2019 10:29

And - contrary to the advice of total honesty and confrontation - i’d Say that most people aren’t ready for that sort of conversation. It will only lead to pain and hurt....

What would make her happier is if you stop bugging her for sex and expecting and hoping for it. She knows you need it and she knows she isn’t making you happy that way. It’s a burden and I am sure she is unhappy she can’t give it to you. But she can’t force herself to.

If you solved it on your own in a discrete way, w/o running her face into it - she may in fact be happier.. But she won’t be able to admit to it in open.
People are funny things. Self delusion is strong with us. I do think she will genuinely be happier if she convinced herself that you stoped wanting sex.

springydaff · 18/05/2019 10:45

8 years?! How are you not dead?

If you've weathered this for 8 tortuous years then I'd say you definitely agent bugging her (ffs people!).

Imo it is cruel to have put you through this. What has she done to address this awful status quo? If she is trying her hardest then fair enough but if she is not trying at all then that really is unacceptable.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

springydaff · 18/05/2019 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flobochin · 18/05/2019 10:56

People are very flippant with their comments, leave her, take a lover etc.

MMmomDD · 18/05/2019 14:41

Flobochin

I don’t think people are flippant. It’s just that for ‘marriage not being about sex’ (or anything else really) - BOTH parties have to be in alignment.
And OP isn’t really. He doesn’t seem to want to live without sex.

However he is deluding himself thinking that there is a solution where his W comes around and wants sex. At least not with him. That ship has sailed.

So OP - needs to see his reality clearly without hope that he has been holding on to.
And then he needs to decide what he is wiling to live with.
He has already done 8 years w/o intimacy. And it’s a huge ask of anyone.

springydaff · 18/05/2019 14:47

Why talk about the op as if he isn't here, in the room as it were?

paris100 · 18/05/2019 15:25

I’m in a similar boat, just over 7 years with no physical intimacy. It’s hard going when you don’t even get hugs or kisses and feel like a housemate. Needless to say we are separating. My choice as H doesn’t see that there’s anything wrong.

Flobochin · 18/05/2019 16:39

@MMmomDD

Yes I realise all of that, however, in my marriage we've lived without sex for 10 years, we still love each other, have a great relationship, so I'm saying it can be done with out suggesting he leaves his wife.

There is more to marriage than sex.

Younger people may not see that, but as you get older things do change.

If you truly love someone, you find a way to make it work.

Sometimes an illness or disability makes sex impossible. Be it the man or the woman.

ChocOrCheese · 18/05/2019 18:06

There's an article on this very subject in the Times today (magazine), along with some advice.

MMmomDD · 18/05/2019 21:36

@Flobochin

But you don’t disagree though.
It can work - if BOTH are ok with that. As it seems to be your case.

Bit OP explicitly said he isn’t happy that way. Are you suggesting he waits its out until he is older and doesn’t want sex anymore?
It can’t really be your advice, surely?

memaymamo · 19/05/2019 01:38

I could easily live without sex. But I would find it very hard to live without cuddles, affectionate words, gestures of love, etc. For those who can't understand how important sex may be in a marriage, substitute it with the main way you need love in your life, and imagine a marriage without that. Imagine your spouse just stops being kind and appreciative, and stops saying that they love you. I think it feels like that to people who 'need' sex.

RantyAnty · 19/05/2019 02:22

There is probably a reason she isn't interested anymore but either she is too embarrassed or doesn't wan to hurt your feelings.

In a non stressful setting, I would try to talk to her about it and try to find out the real reason.

Does she like any kind of physical contact? Hug, kiss, holding hands? back rub?

Any health issues? Medications?

A small dose of testosterone cream for her may work wonders.

Scott72 · 19/05/2019 05:23

After 8 completely sexless years plus the onset of menopause he can assume there's no chance of her ever recovering any kind of sex drive.

adreamofspring · 19/05/2019 08:00

Hi OP. Some of the points that you put in your second post suggest to me that it has been a tough road for your wife. Someone suggested GP and I think that’s a good start. Is there any chance that she would benefit from counselling? I’m not saying it will suddenly make her libido reignite (in fact if they put her on anti depressants that can make it worse - but that doesn’t seem possible here) but it does sound like she needs to unpack a lot of issues. Carrying baggage doesn’t make you feel sexy!

If you don’t think that is relevant here then have an open, vulnerable chat about how you would like to be closer to her. That you aren’t talking about doing the deed straight away but naked cuddles or massages? That you’ll do anything to improve your intimacy as life’s too short to feel this unwanted.

You sound lovely but 8 years is a long time.

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