Friend's thinks her partner has a gambling problem

[Jools7711]

I'm posting this for my American friend.

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I could do with some advice, preferably from people who have experience with gambling issues or with a partner (current or ex) who has or had a gambling problem.

A few years ago I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. We began a relationship, although long distance and it still is. We see each other 4 times a year at least and talk every day, several times a day and video chat at weekends. I usually visit him because I have a car.

At the start, I noticed he was sometimes secretive about his phone, and despite having a great job, he never seemed to have any money left at the end of the month. At first I excused it away as maybe he was paying quite a lot of child support, as he has a 14 year old daughter to his previous marriage. But then one day taking out the trash while he was at work, the bag split and out fell a few days worth of receipts from gambling on what looked like multiple soccer and football games.

I looked at them and they were bets placed every single day at around the same time, usually at the same betting place, shortly after the time he would leave for work in the afternoon or evening for his specific shift, and always for at least 20 dollars. Sometimes he told me he had to go buy credit for his cell, so would need to leave for work early, but I noticed he once said this to me three days in a row, which was odd, as he usually topped up once every few weeks. When I checked his cell history, he had been on gambling sites and checking results almost continuously all the time he was at work and as soon as he walked out of the door to travel to work.

I then started keeping an eye on what was being thrown in the trash whenever I was there, and sure enough, he was gambling every single day. This made me really concerned, but I figured he could afford it, and it was his money, and it was not my place to ask or even interfere.

Then he got laid off. And somehow he had zero savings from working a 35k job a year for almost 2 years and having super low rent. Again, I excused it away as child support.

Then he started asking to borrow money for food when I was visiting, and I was happy to give him the money. I gave him 50 dollars the other day and he came in with 30 dollars of food. Then later I found slips for betting for 10 dollars... so he had gambled some of my money for food. This happened again on another two occasions.

His phone broke and he asked to borrow money to get a cheap replacement. I said I had no spare cash, so he went to two friends, borrow around 50 dollars and gambled 10 of that. When I found out I was livid and called him out on it and he told me it was none of my business. Once he had calmed down, I tried to talk to him about gambling but he denied to my face that he was even doing it and that gambling is wrong, sinful etc etc.

Has anyone here any experience of dealing with a gambler? I feel like I need to cut my losses at this stage, although I love him, I just see a bleak future where my finances would be exploited. He won't even admit he has a problem, but someone who can't afford to eat and borrows money to buy groceries, then blows some or all of it on betting and cannot see he has a problem is never going to change, right?? If I try to bring it up he is angry and defensive and has now simply got better at hiding it. The lies are doing my head in too, as all I can think is if he can lie so easily and so smoothly about this, then what else could he be hiding?

There is no question your friend should end it now.

I am in the process of divorcing my gambling H. The man described here is worse than mine has been, and mine has been incredibly self-centered and financially abusive to me and our family. The DP described here is clearly addicted. Gambling can be treated, but only once the gambler wants help, and this person sounds in complete denial.

I loved my H and kept hoping he would follow through on the help offered him, but ultimately he proved to me that he would never be trustworthy with money and I am cutting my losses at 19 years of his addiction.

The earlier your friend can end this, the better. My H became depressed and angry and paranoid and shouty, and I became a micromanager of his every bank transaction, hoping to stop or nip in the bud the financial hemorrhages caused by him.

PS I was also told it was “none of my business” and “not my concern” if he went gambling with our money (and I make more than him) and I am married to him, so of course it’s my business if he blows several hundred or several thousand of our/my money!

He still thinks I’m overreacting and am being foolish to divorce him because he’s “not that bad”.

Tell her to let him go!!

I'm posting this for my American friend.

Why? Is she incapable of working out how to post on Mumsnet?

anyway - addictions ruin lives. Gambling addiction can be particularly destructive as you can only add up the cost afterwards.

If he agrees to go to GA and get clean for 12 months then your friend could consider having him back.

My exh and I split over his gambling addiction. I wasn't willing to risk my children's and my financial security over the actions of him. We were 10's of thousands in debt at the point I found out. I had no idea before that. My advise would be to get out now before his debt becomes her problem.

He can’t fix what he doesn’t acknowledge and even if he did acknowledge it, it doesn’t mean he could fix it.

If your friend wants a life of lies and deceit and of spying on her bf, then she’s in the perfect relationship but if she doesn’t, she needs to get out now before her emotional and financial well-being are badly effected.

I'm a sober alcoholic. During treatment we learned about addiction and met other addicts. One gambling addict told me gambling was the worst, because you could wreck so much so quickly. Becoming an alcoholic takes many years, whereas people can become hooked on gambling almost overnight. This guy had gambled the family home away in a couple of years. He'd stolen his family's home.

Gambling addicts can recover but only if they are totally committed and your friend's partner won't even acknowledge there's a problem.

Addiction ruins lives and it'll ruin hers if she doesn't ditch this man. Staying with him would be downright self destructive.

it's good they don't live together. keep it that way.

I’ve had two relationships with compulsive gamblers. I’d never knowingly get myself into another one.

My marriage broke down and I left him seven years ago. In hindsight I should never have got married — I found out a month before the wedding that he’d got us into 80k of secret debt, including putting money on the mortgage (the mortgage that was supposed to be joint, although when we divorced I found out he’d never put me on it!). He was also a heavy drinker (to the point of pissing the bed) and violent on several occasions; not excusing the violence, but those incidents coincided with huge financial losses that he was struggling to keep hidden.

And have just split up from a three year relationship with another one — this man hid it from me at first, but — with my experience of the last one — I soon found out. He’s left me with 2k of debt after his addictions spiralled out of control and I kicked him out.

In my experience, compulsive gamblers are VERY good liars, and may well also have addictions to other behaviours/substances. Unless they’re ready to acknowledge that they have a problem, any attempt to discuss it will result in arguments, sulking and downright dishonesty. They do not make good partners, not because they’re “horrible” but because the addiction comes before everything else: before you, before their own well-being, before any thoughts of financial/emotional security.

I would seriously advise your friend to cut her losses now, before she gets very hurt. Addicts make you doubt your own sanity, and can, quite easily and very quickly, end up ruining the lives of those they love as well as their own.

One of my exes was a gambling addict. Everyday, he'd have to go to "the shops." Once I found out, he stopped for a while but was soon back to gambling and lying.

I eventually left. He then went and gone a £4k loan and gambled it all away in the space of a few weeks!

Any type of addict becomes a pro at lying and a pro at destroying their own lives. If they're not willing to acknowledge and seek help, leave.