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Original poster

New boyfriend spends a lot of time placating ex...

22 replies

KikiB89 · 17/05/2019 22:51

As the title says, I have been seeing this man for about two and a half months now and he treats me amazingly well... dates every Friday and Sunday when my DS is with his dad, in contact with me via text throughout the day and mini trip away booked. I can definitely see us heading in the direction of something serious if all goes well (I know him from when I was growing up but lost contact, so it’s not as rushed as it sounds when I read this back!).

However, I’m slightly concerned about how much time he spends keeping his ex happy. Before she knew about me and we were still “unofficial” so to speak he was checking up on her when she was unwell and spent a whole night texting her and reassuring her when she was drunk and upset about their breakup. He told me about this as he was in my house during some of these conversations and is quite open about being in contact with her (they work at the same company but not really together- he is in IT and she is not) and another ex he has children with. He said it was best that he just dealt with it as he felt that he owed it to her and ignoring her would’ve made it worse.

When she heard about me she was upset again and he was late to meet me because he had been dealing with her again on the phone. I don’t know if he is just trying to keep her happy for a quiet life at work or if I should be worried? Now that I think about it he said they didn’t really fall out, they split because she wanted children of her own in future and he didn’t want any more so it’s not even like there is scorched earth between them or anything :( he is wonderful otherwise but I am starting to have thoughts like what if he’s just trying to keep her sweet in case we don’t work out or something.

OP posts:
delilahbucket · 17/05/2019 22:57

He's not over her. Proceed with caution.

Singlenotsingle · 17/05/2019 22:57

He comes with quite a lot of baggage, doesn't he? Clearly the ex hasn't moved on yet. Maybe it's still early days, if you've only been an item for ten weeks. I'd doubt that he's trying to ke

Singlenotsingle · 17/05/2019 22:58

Keep her sweet because there's still the fact that she wants dc and he doesn't.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 17/05/2019 23:12

Oh hell no, dump him. A relationship with him will be death by 1000 cuts.

user1471449295 · 17/05/2019 23:38

I’d say he still has feelings for her

ChristmasFluff · 18/05/2019 09:03

I suspect you aren't only a girlfriend, you have also joined his harem. Some men are like this - keep all the exes around for the ego boost. Not a good sign.

He;s open about it because he thinks he will come across as honest and open, and also if you begin to complain at a later date, he will say you knew what you were getting into right from the beginning.

Trust your discomfort.

Original poster
KikiB89 · 18/05/2019 09:15

I think you may be right about the harem- it’s like he needs to prove to himself what a good guy he is. Which is funny because I know he cheated on the ex with children!

OP posts:
LemonTT · 18/05/2019 09:17

His boundaries are bad. That is a bad sign for any relationship. He is messing with the ex and messing with you right now. He should cut her short for her own good.

Nothing wrong with someone having baggage as long as you don’t keep carrying it around with you. Plus you need to know when you should ditch it all together and stick it in the attic.

RRJR · 18/05/2019 09:27

He’s either not over her or he’s shit at setting boundaries. Either way neither is good and I wouldn’t be in a relationship like this.....

RantyAnty · 18/05/2019 09:41

How long were they together?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/05/2019 09:54

So he admits to cheating on his DC's mother, and keeps his stable of women hanging on? Not good, OP - especially for you.

Summerorjustmaybe · 18/05/2019 10:00

His ego won't be satisfied with just you.... Sorry but he needs to grow up.
And you need to ltb.

Original poster
KikiB89 · 18/05/2019 10:10

He was with the last ex 1.5 years and DC mother 7 years. He hasn’t openly admitted to the cheating but I had heard about it through the grapevine. I hinted to him that I knew about it and he said he made some mistakes when he was young and stupid but he’s learned from the past. I believed him at the time (can’t say I’ve handled every relationship perfectly in the past myself) but beginning to have doubts. Feeling temptation to snoop on his phone when he comes round later and find out what he has really been saying to her now, which isn’t good is it?!

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/05/2019 10:24

No, feeling like you want to snoop his phone isn't good, but understandable. I couldn't be in a crowded relationship like this.

tinyvulture · 18/05/2019 11:25

Well, I’m just going to give a slightly different perspective - but any girlfriend my exh might have (and I don’t know whether he has one or not) would be writing the same about me, because I have needed his support recently, and because I am the mother of his kids, he has been an absolute diamond. The relationship wasn’t good, and we didn’t get on well to start with, but he has really come through for me. Not because he wants me back, but because he is a good man, who stands up to his responsibilities towards a woman he was once very close to, and who he shares a child with.

I’m not saying this is the case here - everyone is different and context is everything - but this COULD just be a sign of him being a decent bloke.

tinyvulture · 18/05/2019 11:26

(Sorry, sent too soon. Of course, the cheating isn’t good).

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/05/2019 14:47

But tinyvulture he doesn't have children with the ex in question, he has no responsibilities towards her other than to not keep stringing her along.

SleepWarrior · 18/05/2019 14:54

If it was the exam he shared a child with then sure, but this is someone he dated for a year and a but and has no ties to. It should be a clean break.

If he feels bad and needs to ease gently out of her life then there's not actually space for a new girlfriend yet. I'd say leave it I think and agree with the pp who said death by a thousand cuts.

category12 · 18/05/2019 15:09

Do you want more children?

Original poster
KikiB89 · 18/05/2019 16:12

I’m not too fussed about more children either way. If a new partner wanted to, I would be willing, but I’m quite happy with the one at the moment. Beginning to suspect he might not have finished with her before he started moving on to me :(

OP posts:
klendraa · 18/05/2019 16:17

this doesn’t sound good at all. He has literally no connections with her - no kids, no shared property, no shared job/work environment.

you need to speak to him and potentially end it

Mum4Fergus · 18/05/2019 16:23

'I know he cheated on the ex with children!' There is all you need to know about the person he is.

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