I just need to get my thoughts down on paper. I'm also happy to listen to others thoughts.
I think it's because I'm now a parent and I'm feeling content that I'm reflecting back on my youth and my home life with my parents and the lasting consequences of how I was treated.
I'll try to keep it brief. My dad was emotionally abusive, was downright nasty to me from about age 12 upwards. Called me fat and was always shouting at me. My mother stood by and did nothing. She would simper around him. What happened in our house was not to be discussed with outsiders. It was miserable at home.
Unsurprisingly I entered into an abusive relationship aged 19 with an older man, 16 years older. He was utterly charming at first but then the nasty digs started. I fell pregnant and I felt forced into having an abortion, by him and my parents. Relationship ended when he head butted me. Never spoke to him again. But what I found hard was the aftermath, I had no support from my parents. I became quite unwell mentally but suffered in silence.
After this abusive relationship I remained at home with my parents ( couldn't afford to move out) a year later they separated and they got divorced. So just mum and brother at home. (I get on well with my brother). They had not got on for years and this contributed to awful atmosphere at home. I cut contact with my Dad once he left and haven't spoken to him since. I hate him.
What I struggle with is my mum. She's still in my life and I find it very hard. Truth is I don't like her or trust her. I feel she has massively let me down and I feel a lot of contempt for her. To others, she is sweet and nice but she put herself first throughout my life at the expense of my physical and emotional well being. She continues to let me down as an adult, not much support with my grandchildren and this may sound trivial but copies a lot of what I do, my house interior, where I go on holiday. When I got married, she decided to get married to ( new partner ) and less then a year later she tied the knot again. I feel like she tries to outdo me and when I look at her and I just want to scream at her. It's so hard.
Sorry I just needed to let this out. There's more but I feel exhausted. Thank you for reading.