Tell me - is this a phase or should I end it?

[Di11y]

So I've been married 12 years and have a 5yo and nearly 2yo. DH has always been up and down with his mental health but 3 years ago was involved in a car crash (not his fault) which although he walked away from wrecked his mental health.

In September he had a breakdown and was off work for 5 months, he's now just at the end of his 2 month phased return and I'm on my knees.

he's much better, but short temper and low tolerance around the children is my main concern. He's v tired (as am i). He's snappy with the 5yo and I can see his anger in her.

every few weeks I decide i want a divorce, I don't want to be around him any more and crave a break from him and the kids.

but I'm hopeful that this is a bad patch, I'm getting nearly no downtime (either working, childcare or chores, youngest up at 5.30 latest every day) and maybe in a couple of months things will be better.

If it's been going on for this long then yes, I'd seriously consider a divorce.

If he's taking it out on the kids, I'd definitely file for divorce.

Does he help you out at all in terms of childcare/housework/everyday life? Or does he use his mental health to sit on his arse?

*as an excuse I meant.

"I'm on my knees"
"crave a break from him and the kids"
"youngest up at 5.30 latest every day"

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds as if you've had to do so much for so long. Now your DH is feeling better after his breakdown you have let yourself relax a bit and found your resilience and strength has left you. You've had to cope with it for too long.

Often the carers of those with MH breakdowns don't get the support they need. It will get better though.

It sounds as if it isn't just your husband's situation that you need a break from if your 2 year old is awake by 5.30 every morning at the latest. Do you have any family who can help you out at all?

Is there any possibility of you going away for a week by yourself to recharge your batteries? Maybe the whole family need a holiday?

Can you talk to your GP or DH's Psyche doctor to discuss DH's irritability? Could it be that he is again struggling to cope? (When my DB was on a phased return following a breakdown he relapsed after 6 weeks and when he tried to return again the same happened after 6 weeks). If he's struggling can you get additional support by having a CPN or Support Worker/advocate more regularly? Anything that improves DH's health will help family life.

thanks for taking the time to reply. I think realistically nearly all the issues are because of DH's mental health. but not knowing if/when he'll get better is a problem. if I knew this was it forever I'd divorce him for sure.

to answer some questions, dh is helping more than he has been, will put laundry out to dry, cook dinner a couple of times a week, put the bins out, and help somewhat get the kids ready in the morning.

but his sedative meds mean he can't get up early to let me sleep, his anxiety means he won't take the kids out without me. I only go out myself if the youngest is napping or after bedtime.

and he's snappy and cross with the kids as a default. his lack of tolerance is partly exhaustion partly his mental health.

I'd love a day/weekend/week! off from everything, but family all have a lot on their plates too. DH's parents actually took the kids for 48hrs so we could attend a wedding recently.

Hi OP, just wondering how you are getting on? I'm in a similar position myself and not sure how much longer I can put up with things as they stand now. Like you if I knew for certain things were to continue as they are I would ask him to leave. It's impacting on my own mental health too.

hi sorry I didn't see this before now. it's starting to improve, flashes of his old self are becoming more common, he's pulling his weight around the house better and he's quite a bit better with the kids though still a little short tempered. he managed a long journey for our summer holiday last week, massive for him and he's reducing his meds so should be better in the mornings soon.