Following on from invisible women's work

[HazelNutinEveryBite]

Following a recent thread about invisible women's work, I am waiting for a hip replacement in the near future. I am late 50s, always been active, so it will be hard having to depend on DH in the short term. Interested to hear people's views on MN.

After bringing up a family and picking up most of the invisible work women do, I find myself needing to explain to husband of nearly 37 years that he will have to support me after the op. I will not need help with personal care, but will need meal prep, food shopping and all the things normally done by a wife during the recovery period. My hospital stay will only be 2 days so will not be able to do a great deal of domestic stuff for at least a fortnight or so after this.

DH says he understands and will do what is needed, but as he was not always much help when the family were young, I am worried he has no real idea of what is expected. He works full-time and I don't expect to be lifted and laid, but will need so much more help than he is used to giving, just for a very short time.

Adult DD who is single is going to take a few days holiday to help initially, which is appreciated. After this, I will need to rely on DH more than I have ever done before in our lives together. I hope to be back on my feet and back to work in 2 months, but can see the recovery period being difficult.

Possibly older MN posters have some tips as to how to approach this.

Before my mum died, she spent time teaching my dad to cook things that were more than steak and potatoes and that she liked (stir fries etc), how to use the washing machine, they went shopping together so he could see the brands she liked, just little things but it meant he was able to care for her very well. She had to give up her standards in some things but everything did get done.

Otherwise, flylady.net/ is very good at routines.

It’s good that your daughter is taking a little time off. Is your husband taking leave too? He needs to in the first few weeks for sure.

Your post suggests that you could become very easily frustrated should he not step up to the mark properly and support you how you deserve given the recovery of such an op.

I think it’s as much about how you lay down your needs and what that translates to in actual tasks for him so that he understands.

After all, you’ve enabled him to take a back seat over the years so his current ownership of such chores is partly down to you.

Good luck with the op.

I agree with TheSandGroper's approach.

That is what my mum did shortly before my dad retired.

I would work on training him to do the things you've always done over time so he will be prepared to care for you after your surgery and in the future.

For now, teach him the shopping, laundry, change the sheets, tidy up, and some simple meals to make, that you like as well as just enough to keep the house in order. You'll probably have to relax your standard some but it will make things easier if he can somewhat keep up on things.

On further thought, perhaps treat it like preparing for childbirth.

Start cooking now and stock the freezer.

Funny, in a similar situation but I was off for 3 months and became a stay at home dad. Wife thought I’d fail miserably as I didn’t understand what it entailed. Took a week or 2 to get me head around everything but I did and now she doesn’t me to go back to work! Lol.

Guys are not incapable, but if a women will do all the work most will leave them to it.

This is so different to childbirth. I had a C section with the youngest, but was able look after the kids and function well without much help once I got home.

Having thought it all through, my main concern is that I will need to walk with 2 sticks in the first weeks after the operation. This means I will not be able to carry drinks through from the kitchen at the same time.

DH is quite capable of making simple meals, we have plenty of stuff in the freezer. He can do his own laundry while I recover and if he puts his good work trousers in with his white shirts, he will learn from this and can pay to replace damaged clothing. Any housework and cleaning can be left, because DH will not do this.

DH is a man who has little empathy with those who are incapacitated in any way. I will suggest that DD speaks to him before she goes back to work and explains that he will need to carry hot drinks/flask through from the kitchen, or leave a few bottles of water available for me during the day before he goes to work.

DH has actually suggested that he will take a few days off to go fishing after my op, so he can be back home to make the evening meal. It really does not occur to him that I might actually need any real help.

I'd probably do nothing in advance - no training classes, no new job orientation, nothing - and let him rise or fall to the occasion. If he fails, I'd probably get a divorce as soon as you can sit up and phone a lawyer. If he has no empathy for you and your situation he can't be a decent spouse.

He's taking time off for fishing but won't take time off to support your recovery?

Just tell him that that's not on.

He sounds horrible.

He won't do housework or cleaning and wants to go fishing after you've had a major operation? You're worried about possibly not having water to drink during the day, after surgery?

What use is he? What does he bring to your life?

You say you'll need two sticks - could you use a walker instead? There are a few with non-slip trays.

But I do think your husband needs to step up, and that your DD is just taking up the women's work burden instead of him and thus enabling him to stay helpless.

Be sounds pretty vile.
I would imagine this is either the beginning or the end.
When you’re this unwell. You need support.

Because if you stay after he treats you like shit, I can guarantee that in 20 years you’ll be changing his nappies and fetching him drinks. And by then you’re stuck

If it is imagination and empathy he is lacking, perhaps he would follow simple instructions. So, "dh, before you go out, i need 3 flasks of tea in the sitting room, by my chair and a plate of sandwiches, wrapped in clingfilm there too. Also, please clean the bathroom, including the loo".
My dh is lacking in imagination and ability to put himself in anyone else's shoes, but he is quite willing to do as he's asked. Obviously, in an ideal world, he wouldn't need to be asked, but you work with what you've got.

I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, the recovery period - however much the thought of sitting watching the tv for days on end, was frustrating. I was bored out of my brains.

As for the house and my husband, just let it go. As long as you're eating, warm, have the basics in the house - don't worry about it.

My husband is fairly domesticated, but no way up to my standards. Beans on toast, sausage and chips - simple dinners will see you through. Make sure your fruit bowl is full and decent cereal is in the cupboard. After a day at work, DH did his best but keeping it simple was key for us. At the end of the day, a trip to the chippy or Chinese was always an option.

Write a shopping list - again, keep it simple. The very last thing you should do, is rush your recovery and push fretting about the house out of your mind. It'll make the time off your feet easier.

Wishing you all the best for your op 💐

Any chance you could get a cleaner in for a few weeks, so you don't have a lot of catching up once you're mobile again? Use supermarket delivery for shopping, and there are some good meal delivery services so you can be sure of getting one good meal a day.

This does, of course, still allow your husband to dodge being an active partner in your household.

all the things normally done by a wife

Sorry you are facing this but, honestly, you are BVU to consider it "normal" for these things to be done by a wife. They are not done by this wife, we share the household tasks because we are both functioning adults. I probably count as an 'older' MN er, 1960 vintage. Even my father was capable of looking after the household perfectly well when my mother was in hospital, I was under 5 at the time.

Guys are not incapable, but if a women will do all the work most will leave them to it.

this ^ from @Manclife1

doesn't do housework or cleaning

Does he really think it's "normal" for someone else to clean a toilet that he has used? Really?

Given you have asked for advice, I would concentrate on a daily check list, to make sure you have everything you need within reach. And use the time to plan bringing him up to a reasonable standard for a human being, to become as PP put it an active member of the household

It is kind of DD to help. Any chance you have DS, who is not being expected to step up ?

I find this thread ridiculous. Your talking about this man as if he is a child.

He is a grown adult. Oh boy...

I am speechless. This thread is full of women (I suppose) giving instructions on how to "manage" a fit and healthy man who doesn't know how to look after his nearest and dearest and refuses to do housework...???

Tell him to get to fuck.

Any housework and cleaning can be left, because DH will not do this.
Good lord. What a selfish git.

I think there are a lot of truths on this thread from different posters.

1. Some men are perfectly capable of doing things around the house but won't do anything if they can get away with it

1. Some men are quite willing to help but need things spelled out to them as they genuinely can't see what needs doing without.

I totally understand why you have appealed for advice from older MNers as different generations have been raised with different expectations.

I suggest taking on board various bits of advice given.

1. Plan what you can. Make sure your freezer is stocked; book shopping deliveries for

a time when you know some one else is going to be there to put stuff away. Book in a cleaner for a few weeks (you could time shopping delivery for when the cleaner is there)

1. It may well be that there are living aids which could help you so look into this - although I'm not sure whether you get the same support from a walker than crutches.

1. Write your DH clear lists of what you need for the day before he goes out e.g, the flasks of coffee , and any shopping etc he needs to bring home. Painkillers.

1. Make sure you have a big pile of magazines, kindle/ library books/Amazon order ; Netflix / box sets etc

1. Have you got friends you can ask to pop in? Not so much to help you but for some company.

Will you be able to manage things like getting to the toilet?

Some men are perfectly capable of doing things around the house but won't do anything if they can get away with it

Some people are perfectly capable of doing things around the house but won't do anything if they can get away with it. Let's be honest, if someone else was willing and able to do all the wifework, how many of us would bother?

I find this thread ridiculous. Your talking about this man as if he is a child

He is a grown adult. Oh boy...

This! ^

I am 64, and both my live in partner and then the man I married could and did do cooking and housework, this was in the 1970s and 1980s so not an age thing.

God almighty, how are so many men so utterly useless. You shouldn't need to do weeks of prepping, cooking and freezing, just let him get on with it.
Personally I'd just let the entire house descend into chaos to let him get a good look at what you actually do. it's a great opportunity. Ignore it all, nobody will die.
I taught my son all of this stuff as soon as he was a teenager which is just as well as his wife can't cook and doesn't iron.

but will need meal prep, food shopping and all the thingsnormally done by a wife

Is it 1950 ? 🤔

But the posters saying that the DH should be able to do all this, should already be splitting the work and asking 'is it the 1950's' are totally missing the point.

The OP has told us her situation and what her DH is like. My advice was around making things work smoothly given the situation the OP is actually in.

How is doing nothing and letting everything fall to pieces round her going to help while she's sitting there needing crutches to get around?