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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving marriage affair

19 replies

Poster2019 · 16/05/2019 18:55

I need advice please.
I’ve been having a on off affair for 6 years.
OM and I are both married with 5 young kids between us.
His wife has known about affair for 5 years & OM has talked about leaving his marriage for that time but never done it til now.
I told DH I wanted to leave for OM & that OM has left his wife for me & DH was distraught & begged for us to try again for the kids & I’ve agreed but I don’t know how to make my heart to the same place my head tells me is the sensible thing. First question has anyone recovered marriage from actually saying you wanted to leave & loved someone else?
I’ve told OM I have to stay for kids & try again & OM is obviously gutted & has gone back to his wife who didn’t want him to leave either. OM doesn’t want to be her else he wouldn’t have left but is doing it for the kids too. Question 2 if it doesn’t work out for me with DH, has anyone’s OM ever gone through the trauma of leaving a second time? Question 3 have we lost the opprotuntiy we’d both do it?
This is a self centred selfish & horrible post & I know there will be a load of you who want to flame me but I’m hoping for advice from other people who’ve done this.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 16/05/2019 18:58

What a mess.
Go and get some counselling and sort yourself out.

Bool · 16/05/2019 18:59

You have been out of your marriage for 6 years. What makes you think you can all of a sudden get back into it?

over50andfab · 16/05/2019 19:03

Not done this but if both couples are staying together for no other reason than for the kids, then it’s up to you to make it work, and find how you might best achieve that (like counselling). If you’re not committed, then no, it probably won’t work.

Yes...a mess!

lovemylkids43 · 16/05/2019 19:04

Firstly have you distanced from
Your husband because of the other fella ? If you do leave , you need time to know what you actually want .. I wouldn't stay for kids sake as they can sense a unhappy mum or dad and need to be demonstrated love by seeing this also if resentment is there kids pick it up .. I fell out with my first ex who I was with for 20 years and stayed for years prior to hat because of the kids and it got to the point I was so unhappy and I had to do it for myself ... there was no else involved but I give it a year and started to date non seriously as I had to sort my kids out and not confuse them they needed stability as they are affected when a parent leaves also ..

I am now in a steady relationship and all is good

But I think you need time for yourself before you commit yourself fully to the other fella ... to be fair how either other parties would want either of you for the betrayal they just be very desperate and low within themselves as cheating is the ultimate betrayal .. and that's not an attack just in general

Good luck either way

mimibunz · 16/05/2019 19:04

You have 5 young children between you, ffs! Stop acting like a horny teenager.

Sadiesnakes · 16/05/2019 19:26

Not good luck either way. You should be disgusted and ashamed with yourself the pain you are causing to your dh and kids, as well as his dw and kids.

Absolute disgrace.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 16/05/2019 19:32

No. Cut everyone's losses now. If you've sustained a 5 year affair and love someone else then you have to leave. Its not fair on anyone: your kids, your spouses, yourself.

Affairs are not cool but they usually happen for a reason, and that reason is usually that the marital relationship is not right. An unpopular view on here but in my experience true.

You are not trying again for the kids by the way. They will be FAR better off not growing up in a lie.

MumUnderTheMoon · 16/05/2019 19:36

Staying together "for the kids" is never a good idea. If you love your dh then by all means try and work it out. If it's only "for the kids" then it really isn't in their best interests.

Original poster

Poster2019 · 16/05/2019 19:51

I don’t think I can tbh but maybe now everything out in the open DH gets how bad things have been?
I have distanced myself from DH FOR OM. but we had problems for a long time. I do care about DH & love him but not romantically. I wish I did then things it would be more easy.
It’s not just for kids, also extended families, grandparents & stability kids need. I do care about DH & seeing him hurting is so horrible. I want to fix what I’ve done but I feel like I’m forcing myself.

OP posts:

VirtuallyConfused · 16/05/2019 19:59

You need to be brave and leave your marriage.

OM may leave his again too or may not trust that you will stay with him if he does.

Ginger1982 · 16/05/2019 20:02

You need to leave for your poor DH's sake.
You and your bit of stuff are both disgusting.

popsadaisy · 16/05/2019 20:02

I think staying together for the kids is a stupid reason, it is better for your children to grow up with two happy parents who aren't together than two miserable ones that are. I know you say your DH would be miserable if you left but that's only natural he would get over it and move on a hopefully find someone who actually loves him (romantically). I can't give you advise on personal experience all I can say is children pick up on a hell of a lot (more than we know) and although I'm sure they'll be upset if you break up I think in the long run they'll be happy to have a happy mum and dad. We all deserve love and would you be able to switch off your feelings for OM?

QueenCoconut · 16/05/2019 20:04

I don’t think you’re doing the children any good by staying in your respective marriages.
All four of you will expose them to bickering, resentment, unhappiness and think that you’re doing well by pretending to be happy. Children can see through this. It’s a waste of time.

I think going back to your husband and your AP going back to his wife was a mistake.
You have most likely lost quite a bit in his eyes by not leaving when he made the big step for you. It will be difficult to rebuild it.
I would question how much you love each other if you hesitated after so many years together.
But this is for you to answer as you know best what you feel for him.

Your spouses are both asking you to stay and give it a chance - it is a standard reaction, out of desperation and fear to be alone. It’s not charity , you shouldn’t stay out of pity.

Hope you find the right solution
Best of luck

NameChangeNugget · 16/05/2019 20:09

Don’t stay with your husband. You’ve got to leave him. It would be cruel to stay

Mythreefavouritethings · 16/05/2019 20:12

This is a facade. You don’t want to be there, your DH will get over you in time, but for now he is desperate, poor guy, and you are just not there. You can’t force feelings, it’s just another lie. Problem with affairs, would be easier to just go earlier on rather than keep stringing the lie out. It’s going to hurt him like hell, but he will get through and the sooner you confront this, the sooner he can try to go forward and hopefully eventually truly be loved.

Noimaginationxyzz · 16/05/2019 20:14

Out of such chaos, you want to stay with your husband for your children. But what do you think happens to children of broken homes? That they all turn out to be broken and a burden on society? My DC are completely wonderful. Despite not staying together for the kids.

waterrat · 16/05/2019 21:24

OP - I don't think anyone should judge another person unless they have walked in their shoes.

Please don't stay with your husband 'for the kids' - it is cruel. This is not the 1950s - you can be good co-parents with an honest relationship once the cruel facade is gone.

Let your husband recover and move on - how is it healthy for either of you to live a lie like this?

I truly cannot comprehend a lengthy affair like this - we live in an age now where divorce is socially normal. Half of all marriages end in divorce - there is no need for this lying.

Stop being a martyr - are you addicted to pain and drama? Have therapy - and move on from your broken marriage.

Your children will be fine - what won't help them is growing up with parents who are 'together' but do not love or trust each other.

Bool · 16/05/2019 22:16

Completely agree with @waterrat. I find it difficult when people judge others so swiftly. Your children will indeed be fine. I grew up with parents who were at each other’s throats all the time and it was awful. I wish they had split and each found love (and yes I thought this age 12 as well). I have split (probably because I was unhappy and grew up as I did) and my kids are happy and adjusted and doing really well with two fully involved but separated parents. And both of us have found new partners and are very happy together. Please don’t breed this drama and misery. 6 years!!!

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 16/05/2019 22:23

Absolutely 100% what the 2 previous posters said.

I grew up in a notgoodnotbad family environment. What it taught me was to strive for a pretty shitty setup in my own life. That's not served me well.

Be brave. Cos, you know, those of us who have made the big break need some allies ;)

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