Perspective needed, badly.

[WaroftheWorlds]

I just need perspective. I have changed some details as these would be really outing, as this all revolves around a very particular set of circumstances...

My DH had an EA three years ago, it lasted two months. I found out 4 months after it finished after I asked him and he admitted it. I suspect there was a sexual element but he never admitted it. The OW didn't deny it though.

My DH at the time was getting over lifesaving treatment and surgery. He is still young and to get so ill, so quickly and at one point at risk of dying a terrible death, meant that he went into shock and he said he was looking for distraction. We also had other problems in our life that were awful. He has had a lot of therapy since then. Those around us that knew said I should forgive him. So we tried and three years later here we are.

His illness may come back, and he is under regular check ups. Despite this though, he recently completed a huge sportive. It caused him a load of pain and he is suffering but he is high on his achievement and everyone in our lives is in awe of him.

He is currently under investigation as the Dr's have found something that could mean he is at risk. We knew this before he went.

So off he goes on this 4 day trip and all I can think about is that there are girls with similar interests there completing the sportive with him, that he is at risk and might seek a 'distraction' again. I know it sounds utterly irrational.

Since he got back 2 days ago instead of being this proud wife, I am snarly and jealous. It is like the wound has been completely re-opened.

I keep replaying the pain of that time. It was awful for him but for me and our very young DS as well. I nursed him and loved him and watched him breathe all night until I was assured he was going to be okay, and dealt with the other terrible life blows that were coming out way, and I am not sure I ever got over his affair on top of that.

Now I am thinking there is no hope for us because if I get like this unexpectedly all this time later, then what is the point?

He is faced with being ill again and whilst he has been better since he has been in counselling, he can get nasty and unpredictable when he is scared, and I know that is understandable but it is hard to live with.

I know I am rambling... I need perspective and don't know how to say this to anyone is real life.

Blimey xxx I'm so sorry.

My immediate thought is, take some time and process some of the different elements....

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's like his illness and this nasty affair have become tangled in my brain. Which is madness. He could get sick and die quickly or go on for years as he is.

Living with that sort of uncertainty must be really, really difficult for you (that it is also difficult for him goes without saying). It does seem that the feelings around his illness are linked to feelings around his unfaithfulness and are triggering you That's totally understandable.

I wonder whether you were ever fully able to deal with your feelings over his betrayal? Any chance you felt you had to skip the anger part because you had to be grateful that his life was spared?

I know it's what everybody suggests but have you thought about talking to a neutral 3rd party about it all. They may be able to help you untangle things.