Suffering massive sense of guilt after securing an injunction against my ex -- has anyone experienced this?

[usernamefromhell]

Just wondering if this is normal. I managed to secure an injunction against my ex. The immediate trigger for this was a death threat but this was the straw that broke the camel's back following years of verbal threats and intimidation including suicide threats. We have been separated and living apart for four years and he had constantly relied on me for money, failed to give me any financial or practical support for our daughter, bullied me constantly and generally tried to obstruct me from moving on in my life.

I saw him in court this week as I got the injunction. We're now working towards arranging contact for our daughter.

I know, rationally, that I had to do something to protect myself and that the injunction was warranted.

But he seemed so broken and bitter in court and I'm aware that I have wreaked devastation on him with respect to his relationship with our daughter. I feel crippling guilt.

Is this normal? I feel like I should feel vindicated but now its gone my way I feel terrible. Has anyone else experienced this?

bumping... any one have any thoughts on this? I'm really struggling with it

He’s done this to himself.
Don’t feel guilty op.
He’s a nasty evil creature who doesn’t deserve you or your daughter.

He has done this to himself. If he hadn't been such a cunt this wouldn't have happened.

Your guilt is misplaced, he should be ashamed of himself. You rock, go live your life and be happy.

You are not responsible for his actions. If he hadn't done what he did, the injunction would not have been granted. He is the one who has ruined his relationships with you and his daughter.

Normal people who want to maintain relationships don't bully, coerce and abuse. This is all on him. You just put down healthy boundaries. You had good reason for the injunction and the court agreed with you.

7yo7yo this is the thing: I know this is true if I analyse it. But its almost like I'm only now starting to grieve for a marriage which formally broke down four years ago (and had been over for some time before then).

I have bent over backwards to have a reasonably cordial relationship with him for my daughter's sake until quite recently he still had a key to my house etc as I convinced myself that was better than as sudden and dramatic end. Now its become clear to me that its not sustainable and I've gone nuclear on him. I wish I'd been more definitive about it years ago. But it seems to have totally blindsided him. I've long since made my peace with the fact that our relationship is over but I'm now grieving for the end of the strange family unit we continued to me and I feel like I am depriving him of this.

Thanks everyone. I know you're all right. It's just difficult realising that you have triggered something so devastating, even if its deserved.

Nope. Don't feel guilty. He did all this himself. Think how much nicer everything could have been had he not been such a twat.

You have not triggered anything, he did. Death threats, intimidation, suicide threats?? Why on earth did he still have a key to your house??

greatcrestednewt its a good question and one that's hard to answer -- until fairly recently his bullying was fairly low level and I considered it a reasonable trade-off - I occasionally asked him to pick up our daughter from school/childminder and to look after her while I finished work and it made sense from that point of view. Six months ago it became clear that it was a security risk so I changed the locks. Things spiralled pretty rapidly from that point.

He manipulated you. This is all
On him.
NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

The "security risk" being something he did, presumably?

He did it to himself, OP. You did the best you could, you couldn't go on forever facilitating him and being bullied by him. Your compassion does you credit, but be compassionate towards yourself too, it's no good second-guessing your past actions or inaction. It's done. He had years of chances to be a better man.

I remember a period from my childhood when my mother had an injunction that kept my father away. It was a time of peace, normality, blossoming for us all and I felt desperately angry with my mother when she backtracked and let my father back into our lives.

I think that because you are a normal, good, compassionate person you can't help feeling bad and conflicted at the sight of your ex partner's unhappiness. But that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. You did the right thing, and I hope that now you have been able to take this action you and your daughter will eventually start to heal and move forward.

Op, be kind to yourself. You will be traumatised by his bullying and bad behaviour, and may have lost sight of what is ‘normal’ in a relationship. What was the alternative to getting an injunction? Carrying on as you were for ever, and your dc being affected?

No. You did the right thing.

He has done this to himself, totally. Death threats? Jesus wept - it’s like he’s kept pushing and pushing, almost willing you to take this step. Entirely on him.

username this is a very sick man -whichever way you want to define sick and if you're posting here for advice - I'd say you should be doing everything you can to get him out of your daughter's life.

He's got no integrity, no decency, he's threatening and manipulative and frankly you shouldn't be allowing a very young defenseless person near him, as far as possible, and you certainly shouldn't be trying to facilitate the relationship.

Get thee to the Freedom Programme real fast, because you don't want your daughter growing up thinking that what you've been through is normal. Not if you've any sense at all.

Park the guilt with the rubbish on collection day next time, because that's where it belongs.

I totally get what your saying honestly i do. The fact that he was abusing you but you still allowed him to have a key to your house says a lot i suspect your co dependent on him. This often occurs when its an abusive relationship, you still feel responsible for his feelings. I totally get this because i have been in the same situation.
I was advised to get a restraining order, but i didn't as i felt so so guilty, years later and his lack of boundaries and general hate for me continues. We have a residency order, child contact order and a financial order we are also divorced but he continues to bully and abuse me. But i have missed the boat and would struggle to get a restraining order now. Since the first time he has been threatened numerous times and warned about his behaviour through my solicitor , but i should have done it the first time. That is my only regret is not getting the restraining order as may be it would have saved me years of abuse.
Saying that i am sceptical that he would have still continued to abuse me and this is something that you will need to be aware of. You clearly have a child together this is your only connection, be aware he may well still try to control you through any child arrangement orders you have, and dont think having a court order regard seeing the child will stop the manipulation and game playing cos in my experience it wont!!