How would a strong women do it?

[spacedone123]

I am a SAHM with 3 kids and trapped in a marriage in which we are both miserable.

I have lost count of the amount of times we have 'started again'. I'm sick of going to family gatherings and faking it.

I'm sick and tired of arguing over and over again.
My eldest is 10 and that's pretty more or less when things went down hill and the toxic hell began.

What would a lady who has her shit together do?

Where would you start?

All women are strong, if we weren't human beings would cease. You just need to find your inner warrior. I was miserable in an abusive relationship and my saviour was joining a gym. I had 90 minutes 4-5 times a week where he wouldn't interfere and my mind was free. I used strength training to get strong mentally and when I felt the time was right I left. I'm not feeling particularly strong at the moment as my health isn't great and I didn't feel particluarly strong at the time but I knew for my mental health I needed to get out.

Things I did:

Wrote a list of the things that made me feel good about our relationship and the things that didn't. The negative list was three times as long as the good points.

Had a big kick up the ass in terms of diet and health. I don't think I could have done it if physically I didn't feel strong.

I spoke to some trusted friends and family, really opened up. I always kept things from people as I am quite private. Once I started sharing and people told me they could see I wasnt happy, it felt more real.

Worked out if and how I could manage financially. I started withdrawing a bit of cash from our joint account and saved it (we only had one joint account and all my salary went into that, he wasn't working at the time).

I worked through all the guilt about "splitting up a family" in balance between having two miserable parents (kids are much happier).

I Posted on here quite a bit, and was overwhelming the support I received.

Then one day everything clicked into place, I knew I was 100% done. I told him, moved into a rented place with the kids and he stayed in the family home. Last two years haven't been easy but I am a whole lot happier and free again.

You say toxic, is it abusive? How is your housing situation?

Everything that Pudding said ^^

We should make this a guide on how to get yourself mentally prepared to kick ass...there's loads PP posted that I found helpful too...

Work on you - I joined the gym and started getting healthy. I knew I'd feel even crapper about myself if I left and was still a stone overweight (I ate a lot when things were bad). I also made sure I started picking up my social life as I'd felt too low and unenthusiastic about life to get out and about.

Seeing friends and getting busy and happy helped to detach and remind me there is more to life then being stuck in a crappy marriage. We actually argued less because I gave less shits.

Telling trusted people - I told my sister and my best friend what was going on. Their support was amazing. Posting on here for perspective was also really helpful.

Counselling - I started this after the split but think it would have been helpful before.

Ducks - work out your finances so nothing comes as a surpise

First I'd understand how I would cope financially.
What is the living situation?
Renting or Mortgage - and in who's name.
I'd make an appointment with CAB to see what benefits I would be entitled to upon separation.
I'd phone a few family solicitors and see if any offer a free half hour and see what advice they would give.
I would get a list together of all assets, bank accounts, savings, ISA's, cars, properties.
I'd try to get hold of a payslip for my DH and work out what maintenance he would need to pay.
I'd also locate my marriage certificate as you need this to initiate divorce.
Take small steps.
One thing at a time in your own time.
Then build that picture to make separation a reality.

I never thought to get myself 'physically' in shape and can see why this would be a good move.
My diet is atrocious and mainly sugar if I'm honest, so I often lack energy and feel spun out at times.

I think my biggest fear is that I won't cope emotionally. There are times when I just can't imagine myself being without him - we've been together 20 years.
I feel my self esteem has been so knocked by this relationship. I overthink my interactions with other people and I believe this is due to what he tells me in our fights.
The current situation is fight, after fight, after fight.
It's always over nothing. To be fair this has been our relationship from the get go.

The latest is that he is annoyed with me for giving my opinion about him going out on the Friday with his mates before we are going out on Saturday for his 40th. He has a big night out planned to celebrate with all his mates in June anyway.
We've not been out as a couple in the last 2 years and I myself haven't been out in over 4.
When he goes out 'for a few' he drinks excessively and ends up very badly hungover the following day. This was the case last weekend. So I said I thought it was a bad idea as it would ruin it for us on Saturday. We have an opportunity to have all 3 kids looked after.
This has enraged him.
I didn't tell him not to go I just simply said I thought he'd ruin our day out.
I realise now that because we are in a toxic relationship he doesn't care about our date because he doesn't care about me.
So out of spite he has cancelled Friday and has told me he no longer wants to go out with me.

This is a small example of how things constantly play out.

I'm so drained, fed up and feel helpless at my situation.

It seems a silly detail but when you start to eat better you will start to feel better. You will start to realise why looking after yourself is so important and you will be more confident and motivated to put yourself first in other ways too.

Lots of good advice above. Don't feel guilty about ending your unhappy marriage. Happy parents apart is better for kids than miserable parents together.

I realise now that because we are in a toxic relationship he doesn't care about our date because he doesn't care about me.
So out of spite he has cancelled Friday and has told me he no longer wants to go out with me.

That’s just awful behaviour from him

You said your biggest fear is not coping emotionally without him, but you’re having to cope with his nastiness all the time. If you get rid of that,
you’ll have the energy to focus on you and your dc.

Trust your instincts

And as child of miserable fighting parents I used to wish they would split up .That they stayed together taught me that 'marriage is an unhappy state and woman are treated badly' ....bad message to learn as a child , screws you up later

You don't think you will cope emotionally but somehow you just do!

You need to believe in that you deserve better than this. I think people become so downtrodden living in misery that they can’t see a way out so just accept things as they are. There is always a way out.
It not be the life you imagined but I’m sure you’d much rather be on your own than stay like this.
If one of your children came to you and told you they were living this life I’m sure you’d want them to run for the hills.

I feel like I need perspective. I really wish I could record our interactions as it now seems like I'm in the wrong.

I've gone over why I still maintain that it seems to me that his mates are a priority to go out with over me on his 40th but he is telling me that's not the point.
According to him the point is I've seen him wanting to have fun and stepped in because I'm mean spirited and expressed my opinion about it that makes me selfish.

Oh dear - is this right?

He tells me that if it was the other way round and he'd said this to me before a night out with the girls that he'd be seen as controlling.

But I don't think this is a good comparison because I've never been out since my youngest (2.5) was born and even if I had it wouldn't be till 2.30am with an appalling hangover the following day with the assumption that he'd automatically pick up the childcare the following day.

To be honest I think I'd be labelled a bad mother.