Is this gaslighting or am I going mad?!

[Everybodywaffledoggie]

Really feel like I'm at the end of my tether at the moment with OH but he thinks I'm the one being unreasonable in general. There are times I feel like banging my head against a wall with frustration at the situation and that he can't seem to see what's really going on. I feel like I'm constantly being gaslighted but I don't feel like he's doing it intentionally, more like he's just so blinkered he can only see his point of view. Or is it actually that I'm just being an arse? Examples:

1. I ask OH to make kid's tea whilst I clean house. He gets carried away playing with kids (plus distracted by social media), forgets to make dinner, kids get over hungry and start playing up. I then end up having to make dinner whilst OH deals with kid's behaviour. I get cross with him that I'm having to step in and cook because he hasn't done it. He tells me "you're always looking for an argument and being so negative. There's no issue here"

1. Long story short - OH says something that upsets me. I get upset. OH ignores that I'm upset, which then gets me angry and I shout at him that he's inconsiderate. OH walks off and tells me he doesn't want to argue, and that "it's fine". I tell him its not fine because I'M not fine! He tells me it's late, he's tired doesn't want to have an argument.

1. OH says he'll wash up (as I've cooked) and that he will sort some things that need doing for the morning whilst I put baby to bed and get ready for bed myself. An hour later I go downstairs and he's asleep on the sofa. I wake him up, he says he'll get up and get on with things. I go to bed but can hear that he hasn't got up so I can't settle (feeling stressed that the things that need doing for the morning won't be done). 30 minutes later I go down again and wake OH up again (now irate about the situation), OH gets annoyed with me for waking him up, says he's going to get everything done and is annoyed that I've got irritated by the situation. He has done this many times before and either ended up doing things in the middle of the night and waking me and the kids up, or just doesn't get them done, so he has form for it. He can't see why I get annoyed in this scenario.

Also frequently he'll go to bed/work after an argument that hasn't been resolved and on coming home/ in the morning will say "what's wrong" or similar when I'm still upset with him. Like I'm crazy and the argument never happened. Or like I'm just supposed to be ok because he is, or because time has moved on. He can never apologise and often I feel like he acts like a teenager - mopes around feeling hard done by because I dare get annoyed/ upset by his inconsiderate behaviour. I don't really know how to deal with it.

It doesn't sound as if you're compatible. He works to his own schedule and it's not acceptable to you. I don't blame you at all tbh as he sounds inconsiderate and selfish.

He also doesnt give a toss about any of it either. You can either accept him the way he is or find a grown up.

He's lazy and unreliable and leaves you to do all the grunt work.

That's not gaslighting.
That's just a lazy bloke who can't be asked to do what needs doing.
He's showing you disrespect and he's fucking frustrating but not abusive from what you have written.
I think you need to properly sit down and discuss, in a calm way, how his behaviour is making you feel.
You need to work out how you are both going to contribute fairly without the need to keep reminding him.
Would counselling help?
Would he go along with you?

No it’s not gaslighting
From what you have written you are organised with standards for household activities. He either

• doesn’t know or doesn’t recognise what these are, although it would be obvious if things have been this way for sometime
• doesn’t agree with them, which is implied. Arguments don’t solve disagreements but there are other ways to approach this

I wouldn't say he's gaslighting you. I do think he's an inconsiderate arsehole.
Maybe you could make him more responsible for the consequences of his actions, so in your example, where he 'forgets' to make the dc's tea, at the moment, you are stepping in to minimise the effects his incompetence. Maybe, next time this happens, you could go out (urgent shopping trip/previous appointment) and leave him to deal with cooking tea and managing hungry children.
Or where he leaves the dishes, ask him to be considerate and not wake you or the dc up, then leave him to it, he either does it in the middle of the night, or the next morning. If he does wake up the dc, make him deal with them. In terms of him not addressing a festering argument, again you need to change how you deal with that.
In each case, you can't change him, you can only change your own actions, but in doing so, his actions will have to change as the circumstances will be different due to the changes you've made.

It's passive aggression. It's probably deliberate.

He sounds dementing to live with. Even when he "helps", you basically have to manage him, so aren't off the hook and able to relax.

Agree this is passive aggressive behaviour. Sorry, I don't have any advice but know how infuriating it is.

Juat a lazy stonewaller who knows he can flip you the bird.

Living with someone like this is really bad for you - stressful, upsetting, hard work.

And - he isn't a good partner. This isn't love and support and partnership.

A lot of people waste a LOT of precious time trying to get partners like this to change. To 'realise' what they are doing. Wasting years.

Don't. This is him and he will not change.

Start thinking hard about how life without him would look.

Sorry OP, it sounds very deliberate.
He's a deeply irritating, lazy pig.
I doubt he'll change. He doesn't care.

Not gaslighting!

It's being a lazy arse.

Contempt because you are not someone whose views or requests matter enough for him to put himself out. Only his way counts.

Passive aggression because he's punishing you for stepping out of your inferior position by not doing stuff.

Stonewalling because he is blocking your attempts to discuss either of the above.

Altogether unpleasant and difficult to live with long term. Almost impossible to change in another person.

Oh my god, point 3 could have been written by me!! My ex did exactly the same, id go to bed and he would say "I'll do baby's bottles before I come up to bed" Id wake up in the middle of the night to him fast asleep on the sofa and bottles not done, this would happen ALL THE TIME. Its completely infuriating and just plain lazy. What's more annoying is they are then annoyed that were annoyed?!

All he's doing is allowing resentment to build up. You need to talk to him and be as honest as you have in your post, if he wont change there's only one answer that equals you being happy in the long run. In my experience men don't change.