Cutting it short I feel a mess so please be kind.
My husband and I have done nothing but bicker and argue for years and years and years. He is an EA and has been PA at times in the past. I’ve also put up with a lot from his family who have made me feel like crap over the years (with very little support from my husband and they have ea him over the years so he doesn’t see it and definitely doesn’t see it as wrong!)
We have two very young dc and he has recently gone to stay with his mother close by. It actually feels like he has left me for her which sounds ridiculous but she has never liked me or supported our relationship and seems to be loving having her boy back rather than steering him to sort out his marriage and save his own family from divorce.
I’ve got a distant and numb feeling emotionally toward him and have had for some time. He has hurt me so much that it’s like something has switched off inside me and won’t allow me to go back if that makes sense? I really want to care and love him like I used to and have the will to fight for us. I love him but I’ve reached a point where I can’t ever see us going back to where we were or would want to be now. It actually breaks my heart. I know from my part I would fight to the death to save us if I thought he would do the same. I’ve learnt that all the trying and effort has almost always been on my part. I’ve lost all hope and all faith in him, in us and our marriage. I really am heartbroken by these feelings and the reality that I’m coming to face. I’ve given up because I don’t feel like things will ever change regardless of my actions, because he will never value me or our relationship.
He has an important operation tomorrow and I saw him today. I really, really wanted to support him and be there and comfort him but I didn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. I just didn’t know what to say to him. It’s like I don’t know him anymore. I do care and I do still love him very much. All we do when we see each other now is snipe and bicker, which I suppose is sadness and resentment and bitterness all coming out. I really wanted to be there for him for this but I didn’t even know what to say. It’s like he is a stranger to me and that makes me feel absolutely devastated.
This isn’t a short relationship, it’s 16 years. I honestly feel like a switch has just turned off inside me and I can’t give ‘us’ anymore. There has been no ‘us’ no ‘team’ for years. We’ve never felt like a team although at times I felt we were strong together.
I can’t get past that he has left me and our children. I understand the reasoning but for me it’s the final straw.
I feel so sad that I couldn’t comfort him today, like I knew he needed me too and I feel awful about it. When he left he looked so hurt and angry.
It’s made me view things differently. Before I always had hope that we could turn things around, that I could turn things around. ‘If only I did x,y, z.... it would be ok’ that sort of thing. I’ve run myself ragged over the years and it’s got me nowhere.
And 16 years in I’ve now got no job, two young dcs to look after and a husband living with his mother as he ‘can’t stand to live with’ me anymore. I’ve done so much for him over the years. I’ve given up this last year, I really have, and I have felt that sense of loss.
I’m never going to be able to go back to where we were and make this better. I’ve realised I can’t do it on my own and he doesn’t seem to want to try so I’ve given up.
I am broken.