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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

still devastated :(

22 replies

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:20

hi i just dont know what to do anymore, im so down its unreal, keep crying over emotional abusive ex, im absolutely heartbroken at the thought of him back with his ex girlfriend from years before we met ..(ive posted on here before about it) thing is i new how much he loved her because he told me how badly he treated her when they were together and was trying to find her behind my back to say sorry to her....(that was the main reason for us parting ways) thing is im having a very bad day today i have not stopped crying on and off all day, i miss him so much its unreal :( ...he has not spoken to me since the day i split up with him, he dont even look at or towards my house when he picks our son up to stay with him....i cant believe he didn't have any feelings for me or thats how it seems anyway .....when he contacts our older son, and my son mentions my name he shouts at him saying ....i dont want to know about your mum, i dont care whats shes up to ect...ect .... he is angry at me for a couple of msg i sent to his girlfriend ...i was slagging him off to her telling her about the things he has done to me in our past relationship (not clever of me ...i know) i honestly dont understand why she has gone back to him after the emotional abuse she suffered years ago from him ...also i msg her again after my youngest went to stay at my ex house and he introduced her to my son over skype after only 4 weeks of out split ...she gave my ex a tablet (so he could go online at his home) to give to my son and was talking to him like she new him of course i was jealous and sent her a message saying just cus she has got her claws into my ex shes not doing the same to my son .... was i wrong to do this? anyway i presume hes angry about it towards me ....was he wrong to introduce her to our son so early on or am i just jealous ? im not sure anymore ....the point is i still love him and cant see anyway forward anymore what do i do ...please help!

OP posts:

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:23

i should add that we was together 22 years on and off

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/05/2019 16:27

Yes you were wrong to message her. You need to delete her number, block her off Facebook and all means of communication. She is nothing to do with her and you have no need to speak to her going forward.

Of course you're not unreasonable to be upset. 22 years is a life time. It must be devastating and you would understandably need time to adjust.
Anger at him is normal. Now you need to work towards moving on.
Accept that as a parent he controls what happens on his time. This is out of your control and so try not to let it affect your well being.
Do you have any hobbies or activities you could throw yourself into?
Friends or family near by?

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:31

she blocked me ...it was on facebook so i wont be able to contact her anymore anyway .....my sister is a rock but i cant seem to get him out of my head :( im at a loss of what to do about moving on

OP posts:

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:32

i really dont feel like doing anything tbh ....i have to drag myself out of bed every day

OP posts:

waterrat · 14/05/2019 16:34

Op this is a really really horrible situation for you to be in. Of course you should not feel bad that you have contacted her, we all do things in the heat of the moment.

You need help and support. Could you afford counselling? Low cost it might be around 30 a session. Or your GP could refer you?

It's natural you are finding this painful - but look at the reality of what you have lost - a massively horrible man who is treating you really badly.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/05/2019 16:38

I agree. There is a line between grieving a relationship and it fundamentally beginning to affect your mental health. Maybe you should go and see your GP.

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:41

so do you think he is still emotionally abusing me? im so wrapped up in grief i cant actually see it

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 14/05/2019 16:46

You need to talk to a therapist about why you are upset his ex took him back. I understand you want him to suffer for what he did to you but you can't go trol what he does and who he sees.

Are you afraid he is treating her well and are questioning your worth?

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:50

yes i am worried about him treating her better than he treated me ...

OP posts:

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:53

am i not normal for feeling this way???

OP posts:

Nousernameforme · 14/05/2019 16:55

I think its possible for someone to be being horrible without it being abusive.

The thing is you are giving him this power over you. You do need some support to work through this and hopefully in time you can see him for who he really is. Have you looked at the freedom program?

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 16:57

no what is the freedom programme?

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/05/2019 17:17

What do you believe he is doing to be abusive?
From what you've written you are the one seeking our communication with them.
He doesn't want to speak to you. That's fine. You can co parent with no real dialog between you.
Just keep all text/email strictly regarding your child.
Eg dates, appointments etc.

Windmillwhirl · 14/05/2019 17:24

No, I can understand why you feel the way you do, but it's not healthy or realistic to compare yourself to her and what they have.

He had unfinished business with her and he loved her and wanted to make it right, questionable if he even can long term.

He is not yours to own and he has chose her. You need to work on accepting this and not thinking less of yourself because he is with her

He is not a good man at all by the sound of things. Why would you want an abusive man back? Are you lonely? Afraid you will never meet someone?

I really think you need to see a counsellor as you sound depressed.

Nousernameforme · 14/05/2019 17:32

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

NameChangeNugget · 14/05/2019 17:33

I think you need professional help

Original poster

suz56 · 14/05/2019 17:39

it sounds like you are saying that the 22 years he had with me meant nothing as if he was waiting for her to come back ...may be he did love her but he had a funny way of showing it by abusing her as he did me...she must be deluded

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 14/05/2019 17:44

Look after yourself and stop directing your hurt at others. Contacting your ex's new partner, calling her deluded is not on, none of what you are feeling is to do with her.

No one is saying your time with him meant nothing, but by your own words it was on and off, and you also describe the relationship as abusive. Now is your time to focus on getting your own life back.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/05/2019 17:45

Maybe he didn't. Maybe they will spend the rest of their lives in perfect happiness.

None of that matters. What matters is you. You need to try and disassociate them from your own happiness.
If they are having a great time it doesn't mean it has any affect on you.

Windmillwhirl · 14/05/2019 18:18

You said yourself he loved her and was trying to contact her behind your back. Why do you think he was doing that?

Maybe she is delusional, but maybe so were you to put up with his abuse and think he would change and would not go after his ex.

You need to accept the role you played in staying with a man that treated you so badly. Therapy will help with that.

somecakefather · 14/05/2019 20:03

Oh OP please take the power away from him. Can you get your older son to deal with him when he comes for younger DS? I know you're hurting right now but I promise, one day you'll look back in horror at what you allowed him to do to you. You need clarity and to get that you need time and no contact with him(if possible). Sometimes it takes a while for the fog to clear, you'll get there.

category12 · 14/05/2019 20:17

OP, go and see your GP and get some help with how low you are feeling. And just take it day by day. In the long run you'll be better off without him, you just need to keep going.

Reduce contact to only being about the logistics of seeing the dc, block him and his connections on social media that you might see, and look at the relationship as an addiction you're breaking. Spend time with friends and supportive family or doing things you enjoy and find absorbing and when you find yourself going round in circles about him and her, make a conscious effort to catch yourself and redirect your thoughts, like making some plans for fun things to do over the summer.

Do the Freedom programme and take up any support your GP can offer.

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