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Original poster

Anyone here with an anti-social partner?

22 replies

CheeseIsEverything · 14/05/2019 16:07

My DH is an introvert and does not like social situations at all, especially so when there will be large groups of people present that he doesn't know/know well.

I am quite outgoing and whilst I am a bit of a home bird, I don't turn down any invites!

I have grown used to now being the only one of my friends who never has her partner accompany them to weddings, parties, christenings etc...

It used to really annoy me and make me think he looked rude but I am more understanding now that he genuinely gets very uncomfortable in these situations although it does get me down a little when I'm the only one with no partner at these big events!

He comes if there are just a few people and I often find myself wondering what the problem is as his flow with conversation is better than mine on these occasions! He is shy but I've never seen him come across that way to other people iyswim.

Does anyone else have a partner like this? Other than just nipping in my house to pick something up or for a quick brew, most of my friends only met him at our wedding!

OP posts:

Lilyflower2000 · 14/05/2019 16:10

My partner is like this! I've just got back from a wedding that I went to yet again on my own

donquixotedelamancha · 14/05/2019 16:11

Does anyone else have a partner like this?
My wife does, though I hope I manage it better than your DH. People get easier with practice.

Original poster

CheeseIsEverything · 14/05/2019 16:19

I've given up trying to get him to come. He will if he knows I really want him to but I can just tell as we're getting ready to go that he's in hell. I find I enjoy myself more when I'm on my own as I'm not worrying about him wanting to leave/feeling uncomfortable.

I've also given up making excuses to the questioning 'where is Mr Cheese?'

I've noticed that my group of friends tend to go on couple type nights out and all their partners are now good friends in their own right because of this.

OP posts:

DBML · 14/05/2019 16:26

I’m the introvert in our relationship and DH is so easy going, if I say I don’t want to attend a party; invite; Christening etc...then DH doesn’t tend to go either. He’s happy to let me dictate what we attend and don’t attend and therefore we don’t attend much. DH is more of a friend maker and social butterfly, but doesn’t like to go places without me.
This is making me feel a bit guilty now, but the word “party” sends shivers down my spine.

AllFallDown · 14/05/2019 16:29

I'm just like him, and I know it has caused my wife a lot of unhappiness in the past. I'm better than I used to be, and I can do small groups pretty reasonably now. But I still find it completely draining: I get very uptight beforehand, and the minute it ends I am exhausted, from the effort of having to stay "on" for people I don't know. The discomfort manifests physically, too: I start sweating appallingly. I must look mad. But I can't help it. The thing is, though, is that most people wouldn't have any idea I am like this: people think I am loud and talkative – which I am, but only when I am absolutely sure of the ground. So if I know there is a common point of interest, I'm OK – my wife was amazed last year when I invited some people round to dinner who were over from America, whom I had never met and knew only from Facebook. But that was OK for me –they do exactly the same work I do in the arts, so I knew ahead of time what we were going to end up talking about. To my wife this was completely out of character, but from my perspective the environment was controlled, so it wasn't a source of anxiety.

DBML · 14/05/2019 16:30

I've noticed that my group of friends tend to go on couple type nights out and all their partners are now good friends in their own right because of this

Your DH wouldn’t have been interested in making friends anyway in all probability. I sound similar and actively avoid friendships of any type.

NoYo · 14/05/2019 16:34

DBML
I can identify with you.
DH has lots of friends, acquaintances etc whereas I only have a handful who I hardly see anyway.
I'm happiest at home with a book or a film.
Social situations particularly parties where you 'mingle' make me sick with worry so most of the time unless it's direct family I won't go. DH knows and understands.

Sorry OP no help there whatsoever!

Original poster

CheeseIsEverything · 14/05/2019 16:39

I sound similar and actively avoid friendships of any type

I don't know. He's anti social in scenarios like the examples in my post but he has lots of his own friends. Granted he probably doesn't go out of his way to spend time with them as much as I do, but he isn't friendless by any means.

He has been for drinks with one of my friends and one of his friends and been fine, assuming this is because he is comfortable having his friend there. But he would not go for a drink with one of my friends and her partner for example, or come to the wedding of one of my friends, whereas I would with one of his.

Obviously he feels anxious about these situations and that's okay. As I say, I'm used to it now. Just curious to hear from others!

OP posts:

Original poster

CheeseIsEverything · 14/05/2019 16:43

The only thing I've ever put my foot down with is family gatherings as it's important to me that he makes an effort with them like I do for his. It's very rare that my family have any sort of gathering maybe a birthday meal here or there, but if they do, I do expect him to come.

OP posts:

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 14/05/2019 17:09

I am the introvert. Similarly to your husband I think I’m a good conversationalist. Conversation flows and I look comfortable, it looks easy. But I’m like a duck, calm on the surface and furiously paddling underneath.

I never turn down an invite as I think it’d be unfair on my partner. I usually don’t want to go though. He is a very outgoing person who feels recharged by socialising. Whereas I often feel drained and hungover (literally) even if I’ve not had a drop of alcohol.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/05/2019 17:18

I find large groups of people overwhelming (even when I know them all). But I wouldn't call myself 'anti-social'. I'd just rather see smaller groups of people so I can interact and talk with them properly, rather than hurried small talk.

kaldefotter · 14/05/2019 17:23

Sorry for the pedantry, but he's not being anti-social. He's being unsociable.

pictish · 14/05/2019 17:25

I think (hope) you mean ‘unsociable’ rather than ‘anti-social’ OP because they mean different things.

unsociable
adjective
not enjoying or making an effort to behave sociably in the company of others.

antisocial
adjective
contrary to the laws and customs of society, in a way that causes annoyance and disapproval in others.

My husband is very unsociable. He attends very few social events with me. I usually go alone. I sympathise with him and rarely, if ever, urge him outside of his comfort zone but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me because sometimes it does. I can never truly feel part of the groups of couples and families I know because their husbands come along and get along with each other and they all arrange things between themselves to do family things together. While I am never deliberately excluded as such, that dynamic passes me by...as is natural. My dh isn’t there to contribute. It is what it is.

So yeah. I don’t hold it against him but sometimes wish it were easier.

LellyMcKelly · 14/05/2019 17:26

Mine is antisocial but sometimes wants to come with me because he likes being with me. I’d rather go on my own tbh. He’s really shy until he knows someone well so its quite hard work making sure he’s ok and trying to keep the conversation going.

Original poster

CheeseIsEverything · 14/05/2019 17:27

Damn! Yes I do mean unsociable of course!

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 14/05/2019 17:33

The only thing I've ever put my foot down with is family gatherings as it's important to me that he makes an effort with them like I do for his.

I don't think you comprehend how draining - and how much effort - social situations can be for some people. You can't compare your effort to go to something that you are completely comfortable with, to his effort to going to something that takes him completely outside his comfort zone.

I'd also echo your inappropriate use of antisocial. He's not, he struggles with social situations.

EggysMom · 14/05/2019 17:39

My DH is anti-social but it's not through shyness or anxiety, it's just that he's a grumpy bugger who doesn't like other people!

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 14/05/2019 18:14

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting your DH to come to family events with you. You are married, they are supposed to be his family in law and uncomfortable or not, you should make the effort on those occasions.

If you're so anxious that you can't go to a couple of birthday meals with your spouses family then you really need to be seeking help for that. And I don't mean that lightly or sarcastically. I'm not an outgoing person, I don't like big occasions where I hardly know anyone, I get anxious and awkward but I absolutely would make the effort for my DHs family.

I can understand more if it's OPs friends, but family are important and it's not unreasonable of OP to expect and want her husband to attend those events!

Boopeedoop · 14/05/2019 18:50

My husband is just the same. I always joke he's the least sociable person you'll never meet. I let him get on with it. I even go to his family functions without him. The only time he knows I want him to attend something is Christmas. That's my thing and it's just family!
He's still quite happy to take me out on dates, so we cope.

babba2014 · 14/05/2019 19:04

I'm the introvert and my DH isn't exactly sociable but he is the type that attends our of kindness. However in recent years I've just not wanted to go to majority of events and he actually doesn't feel like going himself but I do encourage him to go.

Hecateh · 14/05/2019 20:13

I sometimes wonder how some of these unsocial beings find partners. I'm pretty unsocial. Forced myself in the past to be more social - and I can could be sociable and friendly but found it very tiring even though people always seemed to see me as sociable.

Now - I have my family and 2 good friends and that's it. I'd love to make a few more friends as the 2 I have are both married but, in my 60s, I don't know where to start any more.

Adversecamber22 · 15/05/2019 09:26

My ex was unsociable to the point of never wanting to do anything with others. He also made people feel uncomfortable if they came to our flat . I remember going to see an art exhibition up in London many years ago. After the train ride home my friend popped in for tea to recharge, she had a two mile walk home, none us had cars. He was so unwelcoming it was embarrassing. I personally think it’s ok to not attend everything together, so DH did not come to my work colleagues wedding and I did not attend a family christening of his as we were both doing other stuff, but always alone and not being able to invite friends back Was just miserable.

Hecateh He was my childhood sweetheart so I was young and naive, his new partner is considerably younger than him.

My sister DH was unsociable to the point of doing nothing with her and they were married for 40 years, she was widowed two years ago. She has recently go a BF, they do loads together and she is trying to fit in as much as she can in her life before her health gives in. She looks and seems like a different person and has a new zest for life. What was sad was when her DH knew he was dying of cancer he actually started to do a few things with her and was very regretful. I think he had undiagnosed anxiety and was just very fearful.

Looking at dictionary definitions my ex was antisocial my BIL was just unsociable. My ex was horrible and my BIL was a nice guy, just shy and very anxious.

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