Support thread for the lonely

[Cappucinoextrachocolate]

Well here goes… I am almost 40 and I am lonely. My husband and I are not very sociable, but not recluse either, we are foreigners in the UK (been here for 12 years), we have DS, 8, who for many reasons will be a single child, and we don’t have a support network. At all. Our families are abroad (and not very supportive anyway), and we don’t really have friends. We don’t seem to “click” with anyone, despite making an effort. We invite people over and have days out which are not reciprocated, despite everyone having a good time. It seems like no-one really wants to make an effort back, everyone seems to have enough friends already, or family nearby, or more than one child, and they don’t have the time to invest in a new relationship. I am so sad for DS as well. So far he seems happy, although having the occasional whine about “I want a brother”. Yes , I know this is normal, he might have had a sister, they might not have got along, etc, but he has literally no one. No cousins. No good friend to meet outside of school with. No grandparents nearby. He also has some chronic health conditions (several minor ones but that he won’t grow out of, which together add up and more and more he starts to feel, and we realise that he is ,“different”).
I am not a very confident person and I think I can seem a bit stand offish, but surely I am not the only one? Anyone else out there feeling lonely and without a support network? Anyone else worrying about their child growing up alone? Anyone else out there is need of support?

Have you considered after school activities for DS where he may bond with children with similar interests?
You could try getting involved in things you enjoy as well and maybe that will help with meeting like minded people you can bond with, evening classes, volunteering, etc

Yes DS does after school activities, but as I said there is nothing outside of school and these activities. And I took up volunteering, although I can't do more than a few hours a week due to working full-time. Maybe it is just us... I wonder if we seem stand offish because we are introverts, really, maybe there is something we give off that keeps people away...

Does DS have playdates with kids from school?

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes life gets in the way and everyone is focused on their own problems/interests/schedules. Like dating it can take time to find people you like and like you back. There may be cultural differences or just differences in expectations.
Can you invite some of DS's friends for one-to-one play dates at home? It gives him a chance to strengthen his bond with these children and it doesn't really matter if you get invites back as long as it works for DS and his friendships flourish.

He had some at our house. I have to be around all the time due to his emergency treatment for one of his health-conditions (although I don't hover). I think this is another thing that puts people off.

everyone seems to have enough friends already, or family nearby, or more than one child, and they don’t have the time to invest in a new relationship
This is the perennial problem when you're an outsider. I've been abroad for 27 years and still feel it a bit. I'm not sure it's even that influenced by culture: my exh is from this country, but another part, and probably has fewer friends than me, though he's more extroverted.

There is a difference, though, I think, when people start to get to the age when their children are moving out or they're divorcing, so mid-40s on. Maybe it's just because that's when I split from my exh and started making more of an effort, but there do seem to be quite a few people in that age range going out to clubs, looking for friends. Over here, at least.

Thanks everyone. I think it is a combination of possibly not the right time, and being an outsider still after all this time. I wasn't aware until recently, when it suddenly "hit me", that the lack of a common background can influence relationships so much. I worry a lot about DS too. I guess I have to stop trying so hard to "click" and if it happens, it happens - hard for a control freak like me.

Where do you come from? Is there an ex pat community that you can find.
Sometimes people forget or are too busy and they don’t reciprocate
But you need to nudge them. A text saying, oh we had such fun we need to do this more! Etc etc

I have to say that the kids (19/22) have made their own friends over the years, without our help. Of course they also have the lack of family nearby, but they do have normal friendships. My dd is more outgoing and has a wider group, ds has a smaller group, like I did at that age. The boys seem to start a bit later and not form such close cliques.

When they were small I started an expat playgroup here, so we met a few people that way. Most just stay a few years, which can of course be quite upsetting if you're there longer and see people come and go, but you do get others there for the long term. (None of the kids have kept in touch especially; they have all made their own non-expat friends.) I've personally given up on the idea that I need to prioritise locals over expats because I need to "integrate" somehow. You can integrate the best you can and still have expat friends, it's not like I'm turning anyone down .

The lack of common background does have some effect, but imho it really is the whole combination that makes the difference. Not having relatives to fill your calendar; not having school/college/old work friends to meet up with occasionally. The fact that you are just starting to look for friends at that particular time in life when everyone else is concentrating on their good friends and family.

What kind of activities have you tried? Do you go to things alone?

Thanks everyone. I have never been very social, and I don't "gel" too much with any big group (expats or locals), however it is close relationships I miss most, the lack of one or two good friends to talk with, more than trivial subjects. I accepted the idea that I am an introvert, and I do prefer a quiet night in to a noisy night out, however lately it occurred to me that this will start to affect DS. I worry about him a lot, and in my darkest moments I am thinking that he will feel keenly the lack of a support network, but there are so many things I have no control over!

However, I don't want to be all "woe is me" and wallow in self-pity. I have joined a walking group and a book club nearby. I haven't started yet as I tend to sabotage myself with negative thoughts but I will in the next few weeks (can't do it before due to having things already planned). And I still hope that I might find someone to "click" with - but maybe this is a mistake and I start with too high expectations already instead of just going to enjoy myself - no other agenda. Good idea to "nudge" people with a text message, I have to say I deliberately avoided doing this as I didn't want to appear too needy and put people off. Argh, can't win with myself, can I?

Firstly. I think your DS will be ok. He will make his own friend group
Secondly - you sound like a nice person on here. It sounds like you doubt yourself a lot.

It’s the whole - fake it till you make it. It does work.
Book club sounds great! Just presume you’ll be fine and funny and interesting, which you clearly are. Don’t think that people who seem perfectly ok don’t struggle as well. (I do) but people think I’m really outgoing and aok.

Is there no one at work? I’ve made some lovely friends that way.
Neighbours? Have a summer bbq. Pop round to borrow something and strike up a convo.

It takes ages to make friends, and effort! And I would imagine lots of people are in your shoes and feel like you do.

But sometimes I will say that introverts think it comes naturally to extroverts. But it really doesn’t. X