ex crush in touch after marriage

[lovemybabymuch]

Dear all,

I am very confused about what to do and any advice that you could give me would be deeply appreciated.

I was in love with this guy during my uni days for 3 years and we spoke to each other a lot, and texted a lot too. I finally told him how I felt about him but he didn’t say anything back to me at the time. I found out from elsewhere that he had been in a relationship with someone for a year and felt that it was not appropriate for me to be in touch with him following this. So we didn’t talk for a year thereafter.
Just after our farewell night, he drove me back to my home in his car and said that he wanted to kiss me. (he had broken up a few months ago with his gf when this happened) I felt like guilty at this time as I was in an online relationship with someone and told him that this would be my first kiss and I would like to save it for the one I get married to.
He respected that and we didn’t speak again for 9 years until now.
I got married to my husband soon after our online relationship became more real and I have now been married for 8 years and we have a little boy together. I live with his parents and I am very happy in general with everything other than feeling emotionally unsupported as my husband wont back me up during arguments with his family, but this is a different issue.
I feel that I have never been able to get over my uni crush him completely. I dream about him very often too maybe every few days and used to check his FB posts every now and then. He got married to the girl he dated in uni 3years ago too.
Last month he was visiting the city I am settled in (different country) with his parents and wife and got in touch with me regarding places to visit, football match tickets etc. I helped him organise tickets for the games he wanted to watch for cheap and theatre tickets too. I went to meet him and his family and his wife and family were lovely to me.
However, when I met him, all my feelings came gushing back and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I went to lunch with him the day his family departed and he was staying back for a couple of days more for work commitments. He told me that I got married too soon too quickly, very suggestively. I told him he was lucky to get married to his long time girlfriend. He said he didn’t feel lucky and felt that he was forced to get married by his parents and that he didn’t feel this would have been the right thing to do. He said I should have waited for him and that he was too confused during university days to realise and understand his emotions. He was in a relationship with his gf with a lot of breaks in between.
During lunch he was very courteous towards me and even took care of me when I touched a hot plate with bare hands by mistake. (my husband never does this and just gets embarrassed by me in public)
He called me to visit him at his rented apartment the morning before he was flying and I went to see him. We ended up kissing and I felt the urge from both ends to have sex. I however stopped him as I felt very guilty considering we were both married and I had a child too. That we love our partners very much.
He respected my decision and didn’t force me into anything.
When he flew back he said he really felt like making love to me and that he would always regret it. I said to him it was wrong and even though I felt the same way it would make things very complicated. I told him he should try to reignite his relationship with his gf.

He didn’t reply to this and just sent a smiley looking up (which I don’t know what it means)
I texted him that I wanted to speak to him one last time just for the sake of our friendship but he didn’t reply again.
We didn’t speak for a few days and then he liked my post on fb without commenting.
Last night I had a wet dream about him and I just don’t know what to do now.
I have no idea if I am ever going to get over him, I feel so so sad.
I wonder what you guys feel about this, I would be very grateful for any advice you would be able to give me.

You said it yourself. It's a crush. Distance yourself and move on.

He just tried to take advantage of you because he happened to be in town. He only tried to kiss you at uni when he knew he was leaving and his timing now is exactly the same. No-one should wait for somebody who is in another relationship, ignore that.

He married his childhood sweetheart at an age when he was capable of making his own decisions. She is his wife now, not his girlfriend.

He obviously isn't worried about your friendship or he wouldn't have tried to have sex with you. Block him on all social media and if the family think it's odd say you would prefer contact to be via your husband.

It sounds like lust to me

He's full of shit. He could have had a relationship with you when you were at uni or tell you clearly that he wasn't interested. 9 years after he said you rushed into marriage? He's messing with your feelings and enjoying having someone in love with him then he tried it on with you too. Forget him and work on your marriage or leave your husband and find someone who you want to be with and treats you properly.

Well, I ended up having an affair with an ex from many years ago, and after a while I realised why we didn't work out in the first place!

Thank you so so so much, I really appreciate your very honest comments. I will do as you say, will unfriend him on social media to avoid any possible contact.

I think you need to leave your Dh tbh. How can a husband be embarrassed about his wife? That’s bloody horrible. You deserve better

block him on everything

sort your marriage out and move out of his parent's house.

Replied to wrong post sorry, asked for it to be removed

Honestly, would you throw away 8 years of marriage for a chance with someone who was so in love with you that it took 9 years for him to bother mentioning it and got married in the meantime?

Look through some other threads about OW and wives who have caught cheaters and you will find most of these men apparently were pushed into being with their partner, parents made them, staying for the children, she doesn't get me the way you do, not enough sex, she's always moaning... etc etc etc There's always an excuse, and meanwhile they are not saying anything like this to the wife of course.

This guy has fobbed off his wife to stay behind and try and have sex with you. Does that sound like a good man, or someone you could really trust? After a year when he has been seeing you day in day out, do you not think he will do that with someone else?

Nip it in the bud, block him on social media and stop cheating on your husband.

I now realize i have behaved like a complete bitch, thank you all for making me realise this. I hate myself and don’t know how i would ever be able to forgive myself. I hope my husband forgives me. I am going to wash this guyout of my life. Thank you all

@OP I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. You were and have been a bit blindsided by this guy. Musti is right when she said he’s playing with your feelings. He’s only interested when there’s a means of escape. Forget about him now and move on. Lesson learned.

OP your not a complete bitch. Your Dh is not treating you right and it’s left you open to feel vulnerable and needing positive attention.

There are two things going on here.

1. you havnt got a good husband and you are not happy

2. this old ex is playing with your vulnerability.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. All this is a symptom of how unhappy you are. Please take some time to think about how your life could be happier and personally I think you need to drop both of these men.

No good husband is embarrassed by his wife.

OP you aren't a bitch, you are just feeling a lot of pressure and need some emotional support. He appeared at that moment and you hoped he would provide it. He has picked up on that. Things will be ok, just nip it in the bud and have a good long talk with DH about your wanting more emotional support. It's just a blip.

She didn't say her husband was a bad husband. She seems to say he's a decent husband. Meanwhile this other man has been spun by her imagination into some kind of fantasy figure. But there may not be a need to tell her husband about this relationship. That's up to her judgment.

scott she said her husband wouldn’t do anything caring towards her and is embarrassed of her. That is not a good husband

There are two things going on here and you need to separate them in your mind and deal with them both.
Firstly and most importantly, your husband sounds like an arse and I think you need to think carefully about whether you want to continue living with and being married to someone who is ‘embarassed’ By you, doesn’t make you happy, and doesn’t support you in arguments with HIS family. There are massive red flags waving all over your marriage. Please seek some therapy for yourself so you have space to think about what YOU want and whether staying in the marriage is right for you.
Secondly, this man has appeared as a fantasy, a distraction. He might be right for a fling but he hasn’t got long term commitment written all over him has he? It sounds like neither of you are happy in your current relationships and this is an enjoyable distraction.

It seems to me that you are trying to find excuses to have the feelings you do. You have carried this with you and continually kept the flame alive all these years. Saying your husband doesnt do this or that comes across as you making it someone elses fault. You have a child to think about too. If you dont love your husband leave him. If you do and want it to work than communicate with him and stop seeing him as a second choice.
The affair that you have had through your married life is a separate issue although it has obviously effected your marriage and is totally your responsibility/blame.

Ok so just to let you all know i asked for closure from this guy and we have decided never to talk again. I feel so much better about everything now i think this is all i needed to do a long time ago. We spoke2 days ago and it’s finished and I barely thought about this at all. My husband suggested for me to do this and i am so grateful to him. He said he could understand what happened and he thought it was related to closure many years ago. He was taken aback when i told him about our kiss but then he has been so much more caring and keen to talk to me in the past couple of days. I am very grateful to you all who have helped me through this without even knowing me and i cannot thank you all enough.