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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How does your DH talk to you?

28 replies

Merchant · 14/05/2019 11:36

I’m really struggling with my marriage at the moment. It’s been bad for a couple of years and due to all the stress I’ve developed anxiety and sleep issues. I’ve sort of lost sight of what’s normal. Can I ask those in a long term marriage how does your OH talk to you? Tone of voice etc? It feels like my DH pushes back on every single thing I say. Holding any sort of conversation with him has become impossible. It’s led to me being incredibly unhappy. I used to love a good old chat. Shooting the breeze but now with him, whatever I say gets challenged and shot down and pushed against...I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive but it’s led to me not telling him things. For example, if I wanted to go swimming in the sea one morning I simply would go and not tell him. I’d say I’m off to the gym (as that’s my normal expected routine) but I wouldn’t say “hey I’m off to swim in the sea”. If I told him that’s where I’m going I’d get an atmosphere back and questioned and some sort of low level undermining. I find him over-riding me. He’s very sure of himself and competitive and has to know everything and be right all the time and it’s led to me taking a back seat in our marriage. We live near his family, his friends, in a house he wants to live in. Put simply, he’s always got his own way and my needs don’t seem to count. It’s impossible to express my needs because he becomes very defensive. However, for me, the worst thing is the daily pushing back in any conversation. Does anyone else get this? I’m having my own counselling at the moment so I’m trying to work through all of this as my self esteem and self confidence are at an all time low.

OP posts:
RunoftheMillUserName · 02/06/2019 11:29

That sounds awful, OP.

DH and I don't talk much as we're having ongoing longstanding issues, and even when we do talk, it's not the easy camaraderie I long for.

The PP whose DH talks to her "with love in his voice", - how lovely! That's how it should be, of course, but it made me feel all teary.

redwoodmazza · 02/06/2019 12:43

My husband doesn't listen/hear [whatever] me. He remembers everything our friends talk about... I stopped talking about stuff several years ago. I don't think he even noticed.

We married in 1990 and I said to him then that I didn't want us to turn into those married couples in restaurants that are just sitting there and not talking to each other. Sadly we have.

Life isn't good.

middleagedandproud · 02/06/2019 14:38

I think that this is what marriage is like for many women. My advice would be; think about ways to make yourself happy which don't involve him and cultivate these things. If swimming in the sea makes you happy - make time for it!
Go out and do things with your children that make you and them happy and leave him out of it. Perhaps he'll want to join in- fine!; If not- his loss! You don't have to make any big decisions until you're ready to do so.
Just take positive steps to ensure that you are happy. If you are happy; your children will be too. God bless you XX

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