It's my fault, entirely. NOT.

[harjulhar]

Hi all, I'm a modern mid 50's guy, always worked hard, both at work and at home to give my family a happy and normal world.

After a 20 year partnership, we sort of amicably, went our own way and after some 6 months alone, I met a woman and we seemed to gel from the off. As time has moved on, we've become really close and enjoy each and every moment we are together. Over the last month or so, the problem I have with my back has become more acute, causing me a great deal more pain that it ever has and is causing me a lot of distress. As far as I know, I've not done anything to aggravate the problem, so I'm at a loss to pinpoint why. My partner is aware of my situation and has been from the start, when I'm good, I'm great, but when the pain kicks in, I'm limited to what I can do in every way of life. Physically, spiritually and mentally, it affects me and if the pain is very high, I find it very difficult to try and deal with that alone, never mind the simplest of tasks like making a coffee. I'll not go into detail, but I suffer from a long term back issue, that's skeletal and neurologically debilitating.

My partner has got it into her head, that I'm pretending to be ill, so that I don't have to see her, how wrong she is, she is tall, blonde, gorgeous, has a great style, I would say "is her own" and has men (and some women) turning their heads. I'm not only very lucky, but immensely proud to have someone like her in my life and it gives me a boost when I'm with her. She says, "you're the best thing since sliced bread". I love being with her, in fact, we have declared our love for each other and are fantastic together, but this idea she has about me, is completely unfounded.
I have spoken to her and tried to explain (again), how the pain affects me, she has witnessed the expression on my face when the pain flares up, when I've been with her, so she cannot expect me to be Superman all the time. Last Friday, the pain was so bad, I called for a doctors home visit, she duly arrived, examined me and thought it would be wise to go for an x-ray (which she booked for me, it's today at 1.30), she also advised me to stay at home, take my medication as prescribed, try to rest and do just enough to get me through the next few days. I called my GF to tell her what the doctor had said and she became all snotty, declaring, "you're doing it again, I don't know why I bother with you".
I'm a very patient person and normally don't react, but my already pain shortened string, became a lot shorter and I turned into Mr Angry, I never swore or made any personal comments to her, but I had to say something. She put the phone down on me, then some 15 minutes later, called back, didn't apologise, but suggested, "I know your in pain, so instead of me calling you, you call me as and when you want, that way, you won't feel like I'm hassling you". I agreed and thanked her for the suggestion and left it at that.
The last 3 days have been torrid, the pains inescapable and sleep, almost impossible to come by, on top of this, the phone calls from my GF have numbered 30+ and this goes against the very thing she decided she wouldn't do. Late last night, I was just managing to get comfortable and hopefully fall into a nice deep sleep, when she called. I just lost it, words were said, several very harsh and direct words, I couldn't stop myself, she verbally got both barrels and I wasn't bothered what was said, how I was behaving or if she was hurt. I'd been pushed beyond my pain and patience level and she found out how far, in a most disturbing and upsetting way.
I didn't care then and after a night of no sleep and horrendous pain, I don't care now, right now, I'm wondering if I can take much more, in my head, I don't care anymore, I don't want to go for the x-ray, in case the prognosis isn't good. I'm shaking and feel on the ragged edge. I've been crying and wondering why and what makes someone
continually goad their partner into causing a fight, emotionally tearing them apart and when the shit hits the fan, they blame the entire issue on the very person they claim to care for. At this moment in time, it wouldn't bother me if I never saw her again and I'm thinking that her behaviour could be a warning sign that I would be very wise to take notice of. I'm feeling very agitated and vulnerable right now and do not want to have to deal with anymore shit from any source.

I guess my reign as "king of the loaves" has ended.

Sorry you are in pain.
You lost me here My partner has got it into her head, that I'm pretending to be ill, so that I don't have to see her, how wrong she is, she is tall, blonde, gorgeous, has a great style, I would say "is her own" and has men (and some women) turning their heads.

Do you have a question? Are you just venting or wanting to know if you're right to blame her? I'm sorry you're in pain, but pain can make a person miserable and aggressive, defensive and self-centred. If this is the first time your GF has had to deal with this side of you, she may well be struggling to reconcile herself to the changes. She needs to be given the opportunity to learn how to cope with you, and how you cope yourself.

She sounds sensitive and a little needy perhaps, but the way you've described yourself sounds very unpleasant. My mother, also in her 50's, has a severe neck problem. Flair ups leave her unable to move. The pain is intense and causes depression. It also makes her vomit until she brings up blood. It's bad and I feel dreadful for her, but she is also very unpleasant to be around when she has her flare-ups, because the pain overwrites every other part of her personality.

You both need to understand each other better and deal with things once you're calm and over your flare-up. Doing it now may make you regret it at a later date.

If you're in that much pain, really you need a gf who is supportive, but this one seems to be making it all about her! 30 phone calls is a bit worrying. Maybe if she's that gorgeous, she's used to being the centre of attention and can't deal with it when she's not. It sounds as though you might be better off without her.

I think you absolutely need to go for your x-ray. Pain like this needs looking into further so go today and take the next step.
As for your amazing girlfriend she doesn't sound very nice if I'm honest. If my oh was suffering I'd be very concerned, not being nasty. I'd want to take him to his x-ray and be checking in on him so maybe you're being given an early heads up on what her character really is and it's time to run?

Sorry you are in pain.
You lost me here * My partner has got it into her head, that I'm pretending to be ill, so that I don't have to see her, how wrong she is, she is tall, blonde, gorgeous, has a great style, I would say "is her own" and has men (and some women) turning their heads.

Please accept my apologies, my head is all over the place at the moment.

I should have written, that she has got it into her head that I'm pretending to be ill, so that I don't have to see her, but I forgot to add, I'm not, I'm genuinely not well at all. I do want to see her, why wouldn't I?
She is very pretty, she is very well dressed with a style of her own and she is a headturner. If I'm with a lady who is admired by men and women, I have to admit, I'm a very fortunate guy.
I'm new on here, is there an edit button?

'I do want to see her, why wouldn't I?'

Because she clearly doesn't care about you?

How old is the gf?

'She is very pretty, she is very well dressed with a style of her own and she is a headturner. If I'm with a lady who is admired by men and women, I have to admit, I'm a very fortunate guy.'

Ah that's why

That's ok then

You both sounds as about as shallow as each other.

Hope you on the mend soon

Those of us who have chronic illness/disability will always come across attitudes like this, in the most disappointing ways.

That said, your GF is not just lacking empathy and understanding, she's actively hostile to you because of your condition.

30 phone calls in 3 days?! After saying she wouldn't call you? Fuck that shit. Time to bin this one off.

Hope you get to your xray okay today and it all goes okay. If you're getting a taxi maybe get it ordered well ahead of time so you know it'll be there and you're not getting stressed about that.

...I'm actually feeling quite angry on your behalf that your GF is being so unsupportive. When the pain is so bad that you call OOH you really need people around you to be supportive, not make it all about themselves.

Break up with her.
Look after yourself at this difficult time.
Have a real think about what you want and need in a partner before venturing back onto the dating scene.

I understood OP, and again so sorry you are suffering such pain.

But to me none of you are into this relationship because you appreciate the inherent human value of each other.

You like her because she is pretty and people turn their heads, it gives you a boost. She doesn't have your best interest at heart.

Not much for foundations.

Good luck on XRay

No edit button here

If you’re that ill then you’d be grateful for a hospital appointment.

She may be a headturner but she's not really being very supportive when you need her is she? Not LTR material in my view.

Hope you feel better soon. Back pain is vile.

So all your comments relate to her looks. Perhaps if you’d taken into consideration her personality, intelligence and empathy when you first started dating you might have found yourself in a different situation. I hope you get an answer to your back issues - it sounds horrific.

I suffer from chronic pain which is severe enough for me to be on opiates (and other painkillers) though it's not as bad as yours.

I'm single and I don't even bother dating because I'm so limited in what I can do in terms of walking. Not very appealing to most men.

But if a partner started telling me I was imagining it I would get really angry. And I'd bin him.

I suggest you do the same.

Obviously you need to go for the xray, burying your head is stupid.

You and your girlfriend just don't sound very well matched.

just because she looks good, doesnt make her a good partner. She sounds very high maintenance. I dont care how pretty someone is if they are a massive pain in the arse

Do go to the x-ray and do get as much medical help from your GP and the hospital that they can give you, ask about things like pain clinics which help people who have long-term chronic pain conditions, make it your priority. Make your focus in life getting better or at the very least learning how to manage your condition in the most appropriate way so you can cope even on the worst days.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned, you've only bothered to describe her physical appearance, as though she's some sort of asset, like an expensive watch or tailored suit that you enjoy being able to wear so it attracts attention.

You're finding out the hard way that having a relationship based solely on someone's physical appearance is at the least extremely shallow and at the most damaging. She 'doesn't believe' you are ill, what an unpleasant trait. As for bombarding you with so many phonecalls, she is showing you who she really is. Previously you were dazzled by her appearance, now you are seeing the reality of what's underneath. She's showing you who she really is. Switch your phone off, block her number, concentrate on your own wellbeing.

From your description of her she sounds as though she has little empathy or consideration for you. The old cliché you can't judge a book by its cover really applies here. Dump her now and get yourself well on your own, make it an independent thing to do, then go dating and find someone who has the sort of qualities you find attractive in a woman, if this is all you aspire to, then maybe you got what you wished for. She is very pretty, she is very well dressed with a style of her own and she is a headturner. If I'm with a lady who is admired by men and women, I have to admit, I'm a very fortunate guy

Do you value her as a whole human being?

Does she value you in the same way?

The answer is probably no on both counts. You didn't pick her for her kind or sympathetic personality, and now you are stuck with a great-looking person who may not be that interested in sticking around with a disabled/in pain older guy when she has a lot of choices. Or she may just not know how to handle someone in really bad pain- it can be quite hard to say/do the right thing.

Harsh but true.

Hi everyone, can I thank you all for the support and kind words, but also the constructive criticism and I agree with all you you. I'm sorry if my post is all over the place, but those of you who know the pain and effects of it, will understand my predicament. For those who asked, I'm 58 and she's 51, we met on a dating site and really hit it off from day one. We do love each other and no, I'm not just with her for the "charm on my arm", we get on great for the majority of the time, work well together, are very passionate, tactile and appreciative. We're as happy out of bed as we are in it and I've never had such a positive life or had, until recently.

I went for the x-rays today and it was a struggle, getting in/out of the car was torture as was trying to get comfortable enough on the bed to have the x-rays taken, I now have to get an appointment with my doctor for a prognosis. I'm sitting here now, in what looks an painful way, but I'm currently not too bad, pain wise and the meds seem to be offering a little relief.

Yes, I might tell it like I'm getting a huge ego boost from being with her and it could be in a way that I am, but I'm with her for the whole package. I did mention to her that if she wasn't happy with what I gave her, physically, mentally, spiritually or in any other way and my condition became a chore, she should walk away and I would accept that, it would be tough and heartbreaking, but I wouldn't want her being with me based on a guilt trip. If she was missing out in anything that life made her happy, going out, socialising, making love and satisfying each other or anything in the slightest, she should walk away, without any looking back and have a life she wants with someone who can give her what she wants/needs/desires and deserves. I'm not the kind of guy who would want someone to feel they should be with me as I cannot do without them. I also feel very guilty, for not being what I want to be and feel weak and useless given my situation, I know I beat myself up too much and put far to much pressure on myself, but, it's the way I am and have always been.

There is no such thing as a reformed alcoholic, only alcoholics, I was a workaholic, I just worked, it wasn't for greed or money, I just liked working and being busy and it plays on my mind, that I can no longer work, will never work again and will never be allowed to work again, but am I still a workaholic?
Yes, I'm still upset with her for not adhering to the idea that she suggested about not calling and I must admit, she hasn't called today, maybe it's dawned on her, that she's gone too far and she could be very close to getting her marching orders. As I'm typing this, my stomach is churning, I feel very sick, but I feel that not having her in my life right now would be a benefit and allow me to concentrate on ME. Yes, I would miss her greatly, but I'm realising that peace of mind, self preservation and my own health are of so much importance, to ignore it would be very foolish and as I know from my previous partners behaviour, my health took a very big downward turn left me in a massive financial mess and caused me untold mental anguish and a scary neurological lifelong condition, that could be, at worst, a life ending event if I was put in a worst case scenario.

It's time for me to care for me.

Thank you all.

Well, one of you dodged a bullet.