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Original poster

Holiday with ex

22 replies

MumOf319 · 14/05/2019 05:52

Just need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Me and my DH have been separated for around 10 weeks, it’s been incredibly hard and painful but I feel like I’ve got to a point where I can hold myself together most of the time even though some days I still break down.
We booked a holiday abroad when we were still together for me him and the kids, were all still going and we want to give the kids a great holiday as it’s going to be the last family holiday with us all together. Some of DH’s family are also going with their kids too so won’t just be us.

Has anyone ever done this? I’m scared that spending time with him like this is going to set me back and I’ll not be able to enjoy the holiday. Do I avoid him as much as I can? It’s civil between us but I don’t want to end up getting upset in front if him.

We were both unhappy and he did some really shitty selfish things but ultimately he left me, I would have been happy to do as much as I could to work it out but it’s a pattern between him and his family that they don’t work things out they just leave when the going gets rough.
Even now that I’m out of the fog and realise he’s a person with a lot of issues and I’m better off away from him I do still love him and I don’t want to look weak I want to be indifferent.

OP posts:

category12 · 14/05/2019 06:00

Honestly I think you should back out and let him take the dc alone. It's confusing for everyone to go on holiday together, and I think you'll find it really difficult.

Sculpin · 14/05/2019 06:06

I have a friend who did this. As with you, it had been booked before the split, it was their dream holiday and she really didn't want to cancel. I think it was very hard for her but she hid that successfully from the kids and I don't think she regrets the decision to go.

eve34 · 14/05/2019 07:06

Only you know if you can handle this. Everything in me is screaming don't go. I do understand how difficult that would be to wave the children off. And be left behind.

How do you think a week with him and his family will pan out a week of this will be the last time we .......

I would stay home. Spring clean. DecorAte and move things around. Make home yours. Throw things out. Sort ex belongs together in one place ready for him to take. Buy new bedding and bits and pieces. Make use of this time

RottnestFerry · 14/05/2019 07:12

I did this once. It was excruciating. It wasn't great for other family members either as they felt they were treading on eggshells all the time and trying not to say the wrong thing.

FinallyHere · 14/05/2019 07:46

What are the arrangements?

If you have a room to yourself, you might be able to keep it together in the daytime for the sake if the children.

It would not be a good idea to share a room with the man who left you. That would give him the message that you will put up with anything. Not good.

Original poster

MumOf319 · 14/05/2019 09:17

So the arrangements are that we are sharing the same apartment, its 2 bedrooms so he's in one room with the boys and I'm in with DD. His family want me to go still, I get along with them well. We will be gone 10 days.

On the surface we are civil and getting along, we can chat and have conversations, we are good at pretending to everyone else that things are ok, its more that I am thinking can I handle this so that's why I wanted other peoples stories to if they have done this before and did it go ok? I don't want him back, I just want to make that clear, yes I miss him but that because of all the history we share, he's just not the right person for me and its taken me a while to realise this, he was strong enough to end it and I never would have been no matter how unhappy I was.

I don't want to miss out on the chance to have a holiday with my kids either, I don't think I'll be able to afford to take them away alone for a good few years until the youngest is out of full time childcare and in reception class.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 14/05/2019 09:31

I am against this. Things are amicable and you are getting over the relationship. Why put that at risk by placing yourself in a situation which will be stressful and upsetting.

But that’s just you and you can take risks with your wellbeing. But you can’t do it to the children. You have separated and they have had weeks to assimilate that. Now you are going to try to play happy families. How is that not confusing. But worse than this it is a plan that could backfire leaving them in a confined situation with 2 unhappy parents

Sharing space and particularly small confined space only works when there is love respect and good communication. Even then it will get strained. Neither of you will get a good nights sleep with kids in the room or bed with you. There will drinking. There will be unmet expectations. There will be enforced intimacy. Loves young dream struggle to get through a holiday without an argument.

Establish the new normal and not an abnormal version of the old.

Nc1548 · 14/05/2019 09:38

Can he stay in an apartment with his family instead or book a room for himself somewhere?
I don't think I would cope without having my own space, I think the "happy family" setting would set me back.

Nc1548 · 14/05/2019 09:41

+living in the same house may be confusing for the children

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 14/05/2019 09:47

I think you should stay home and let him take the children of other members of his family are going. The atmosphere will be awkward x

tisonlymeagain · 14/05/2019 10:04

I've done this. It was fine, we actually had a nice time and the kids enjoyed it.

FuriousVexation · 14/05/2019 10:56

Oh god no. The purpose of exes is to be ex.

This would confuse the shit out of your children.

Musti · 14/05/2019 11:24

I think k it would be a bad idea because you are still grieving and you are going with his family too, so you will be experiencing things that will no longer be part of your life for 10 days. You'll see him having fun and being comfortable with the kids and family and that will just upset you.

I'd let him take the kids and ask him if he can afford it to give you some money so you can take the kids on a little holiday at some other point.

BibbleBobbleBabble · 14/05/2019 12:31

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. It depends what you're both like. If either of you is a sulker / gets very emotional very easily then it could be very difficult. But If you're both quite pragmatic people and are able to navigate emotional situations well then it could be fine.
I know one couple who still went on their honeymoon together (but booked a second hotel room and slept separately) after their wedding was called off last-minute. They're still close friends but realised they weren't going to work romantically. Another family I know goes on an annual family holiday (parents, step-parents, and kids) because they're also still quite close as a family unit.
It wouldn't work foe everybody, but some people manage to do it. If you try to anticipate potential triggers for arguments etc and mitigate / negotiate them in advance, as well as having very explocot boundaries, that will probably help.

BibbleBobbleBabble · 14/05/2019 12:33

Sorry for typos - failing to multitask!

SandyY2K · 14/05/2019 22:23

Do the kids know you've split up?

Original poster

MumOf319 · 15/05/2019 05:21

Thanks for all your opinions, it’s good to see different points of view on this.

Yes the kids know we have split up.

OP posts:

Littleduckeggblue · 15/05/2019 05:56

I think I would leave him to take the kids by himself. I think it will set you back

CarolDanvers · 15/05/2019 06:08

This would confuse the shit out of your children.

Not necessarily. I went away on holiday a couple of times with my ex H and my kids were fine. They were just happy to go to the places we were going to. We stopped in the end because the more time we spent together the more we fell back into the old negative patterns but that was our issue. Kids were great though.

ALovingSpirit · 15/05/2019 07:05

I think it would depend how long it was. If it were 2 weeks then definitely not. If it were a week then still unlikely. If it were a long weekend maybe.

Could you book new flights so you were only there a couple of days? That way you still get to spend some holiday time with children but it’s not a long and difficult grind?

Tixytrick · 15/05/2019 07:15

I’ve done this and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

The fact you still love him is only going to upset you.

RantyAnty · 15/05/2019 08:51

No, I wouldn't go. It sounds like it would set you back.

I'd let him take the kids and either you can go somewhere else by yourself or have a nice spa day.

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