Am I over reacting??

[DeeAnne37]

Me and my H have been together for 18 years, married for 7 and have 2 DDs who are both under 8.

As far as I know H has never “cheated” on me physically.

However over the years he has engaged in what he describes as a bit of fun “banter” with women he works with. I know this because I have seen the emails. And they are all sexual innuendos etc. I’ve seen messages to 3 different women over the last 10 years but there maybe more as I don’t check that often.

I have 3 issues with this.

1. His interpretation of “banter” to me is more like sexual harassment and has left me feeling like I’ve married a dirty old pervert.

1. I no longer trust or respect him which has obviously resulted in me not really wanting a physical relationship with him anymore.

1. I resent him for causing me so much pain and upset.

I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to forgive and forget and save our marriage and keep our children in a happy/secure family. But I just can’t stop overthinking it all, everyday! It’s literally made me ill with anxiety and depression.

I can’t work out if I’m totally overreacting which he thinks I am, he says he just “attention seeks” apparently and wants nothing but “banter” with the women. He also assures me he has not sent anymore since and has learnt his lesson.

In his defence I am quite “hard work” at times and I don’t offer much affection towards him which leaves him feeling unwanted/unattractive. So he seeks a bit of attention elsewhere.

Just wondering what others think? Am I over reacting or is his behaviour out of order? I just don’t trust my own judgement enough to walk away due to my mental health issues.

You're not overreacting. That's not 'banter', it's sexual harassment. If they reported him, he could quite easily be fired for this. To be honest, it's a shame no-one has reported him as that kind of behaviour is unacceptable in the workplace (and indeed out of the workplace as well).

I don’t think you’re overreacting.
But you are caught up in a vicious circle - he messages other women - you react by withdrawing affection - he seeks attention from other women.
The fault is all his op. He should be working on his marriage - not immaturely looking elsewhere when the going gets tough.

Depends on the content of the messages. Some people think Frankie Boyle is hilarious. I think he’s a sleaze bag.

You are not overreacting his behaviour isnt acceptable and he should be putting his energy into the relationship with you not harrassing other women

You are not overreacting at all. You say he feels unwanted/unattractive, could you work on that ? Because I can imagine that feels nice at all

Your 3 reasons are spoton, does he know how you feel?

I only ask because I’m in the same sort of position, trying to work through it and my therapist said I should tell him how I feel, I feel he should already know.

It depends on the content of the emails really but sounds a bit sleezy, as you say.

You are not overreacting at all, he is making you feel unhappy and withdrawn. That's not a healthy relationship.

Thanks for all your opinions. I appreciate them all.

Yes he knows exactly how I feel, but we just go round in circles with it time and time again, as our attitude towards what is acceptable and what is crossing a line are so different.

If you have spent the last 18 years together do you think our life changes make a difference?

I’m at the point where I’m caring less, maybe n9t the right response but..

Yes definitely. Maybe 10-15 years ago before marriage and 2 children a bit of “banter” wouldn’t have bothered me as much. But now there is so much at stake and I feel so betrayed and resentful.

He's a letch. Does he know his colleagues and you have no respect for him? Cant believe he thinks bants is worth causing you so much pain. Sorry OP.