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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is it so hard to walk away when you should?

17 replies

AllSoComplicated · 13/05/2019 19:13

I am flogging a dead horse. He's avoidant. I'm anxious (attachment if you go in for that). It ended once already but then he seemed to change his mind. Comes down to he doesn't really know how to do a relationship even though he does seem to have some feelings for me.

It's not right though. I need to grow some slef esteem and leave it. I feel like crap though.

OP posts:

RLEOM · 13/05/2019 19:55

Has he been in a relationship before? And if you're really not feeling the relationship, do yourself a favour and leave.

Amazonfromkent · 13/05/2019 20:20

Been there. Done that. Wasted almost 1.5 years, don't be like me, their heart is not in it!

asdou · 13/05/2019 20:21

Had one of those. He came back almost 6 months later looking for 'no strings attached'. Told him to fuck off. Prick.

HappyLife21 · 13/05/2019 20:43

I know. It’s really hard. No advice really as I’m the same. I guess I am hoping he will see the light and realise that he loves me. Ha!

Original poster

AllSoComplicated · 13/05/2019 21:00

@RLEOM Yes. We're both older. Both first relationships after long term ones ended but with years of being alone each after exes.

I really like him. He likes me. He treats me like his girlfriend but then can't quite connect really. This has unravelled after I said something a little soppy (no I love yous or anything) and he said he didn't deserve it. I pushed to ask why and ask if cos he didn't feel same. He basically said no he doesn't feel same as I do probably but then lots of how much he likes and cares etc etc but no good at relationships. So he hasn't even ended it.. Has acted as if its all as usual today. It's not though. I feel so sad. I didn't think I'd meet anyone I liked again.

We've been together several months. Had lovely day together yesterday. He's not going to call it. So I need to but I'm gutted.

OP posts:

Original poster

AllSoComplicated · 13/05/2019 21:00

Sorry.. That was long!

OP posts:

Amazonfromkent · 13/05/2019 21:15

Haha. Mine was identical. In my case, he was just too weak to cut off and be on his own.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2019 21:19

You're clinging to the "what could have beens", and avoiding the "what actually is." You aren't suited for each other. Just end it and move on. Wasting more time and emotional energy won't change something that can't be fixed.

Original poster

AllSoComplicated · 13/05/2019 21:37

You are right aqua. Just finding it hard.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2019 03:56

It will be a lot harder to stay, op.

EmptyChairsEmptyTables · 14/05/2019 06:18

Read about the sunk cost fallacy

Original poster

AllSoComplicated · 14/05/2019 19:23

So I've calmed down a bit today. And now I'm second guessing myself wondering if this is my perimenopausal permanent pmt fucking with my head and I should just take a massive chill pill and see how it pans out or if I was right the first time. Maybe I'm being totally ott? It's only a few months in? Urgh. Sorry. I'm thinking out loud to lovely vipers so I don't wear my friends out x

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 14/05/2019 19:52

I think when a man tells you they are no good at relationships you should zone in on that, zone in on it hard. I don't think anyone has ever had a happy ending with one while they are thinking that way unless you want to baby them every step of the way.

By the way I'm female and due to my past bad relationships i've realised myself that i'm no good at relationships and don't know how to be in (a happy) one...so basically what i'm doing is avoiding men until i'm in a better frame of mind, and ready to go forward and actually be in one.

Windmillwhirl · 14/05/2019 20:33

Dated a man with avoidant personality disorder for several years. He could not say I love you, which hurt.

He also told me he was not good in relationships, but like a fool I believed it would be different with me. Of course it wasn't.

I'm very glad we split looking back on it. Had I not cut my losses, we'd still be plodding along, me hoping he'd open up to me and getting more frustrated when he didn't.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2019 09:04

I don’t think anything should be this difficult 3 months in
Age regardless

Original poster

AllSoComplicated · 15/05/2019 18:00

It's 6 months not 3, but you're likely correct. I'm just very sad. Feels like meeting anyone I might like and vice versa seemed impossible in the first place. He's first person since my exh 5 years ago. We both have issues. Wish it was different.

OP posts:

Justbreathing · 15/05/2019 18:35

The main problem is that avoidants and anxious just don’t ever work.
And as an anxious (I am one apparently) it’s really soul destroying to be with someone who is avoidant
He can’t change who he is, and you can’t change who you are. You can both modify, but only if you really understand the others position. Which he clearly doesn’t.

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