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Original poster

Can you help me draft a nice message to end things?

28 replies

Tofupho · 13/05/2019 17:47

We have been on 6 dates, seeing each other for a month. Not slept together. He is lovely and seems quite into/to see a future, we met on OD by the way.

For context, he is 10 years older and experienced, I am in my twenties and less so. We also have differing work patterns (think two long hours jobs eg lawyer and paramedic with weird shifts), it’s a struggle to see each other but we have been, he in particular has been great at moving things around, I have also done my best.

We are due to see each other next couple of days but as much as I like him, the spark is not really fully there for me. I have been feeling this way the whole time so I think no point dragging it out. I like his company a lot and would be keen to remain friends. Also we have kissed a lot on our dates so I feel like it would be a little disingenuous if I referenced the lack of spark now Sad - just want to be as empathetic as I possibly can really, I’m not used to doing this.

Can anyone help,

OP posts:
Original poster
Tofupho · 13/05/2019 17:50

To summarise, the spark really isn’t there for me and I don’t wish to pursue things romantically but I think it would be a dick move to phrase it like that. Other but less important issues are my not knowing if I’m ready for a relationship, the age gap and very tricky work hours

OP posts:
Sup3rCooper · 13/05/2019 17:51

'Hi Dave! Just wanted to drop you a line and say that although you're such a nice guy and I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, I'm just not feeling a spark and I feel we are at different stages of life. Wanted to let you know asap as I'm loathe to waste your time. All the best for the future. Jane x'

It's tricky to do this stuff. Be nice but straight to the point - no false hope or anything

Sup3rCooper · 13/05/2019 17:52

After six dates you don't really owe him too much more than a nice message that's not messing him about but being relatively honest with him

ScreamingValenta · 13/05/2019 17:52

I think you've phrased it very well in your OP -

'Much as I like you, the spark isn't really there for me, and I don't see a future for us as a couple. '

I'm not sure an offer to remain friends when you have only been on 6 dates will mean very much - if he's looking for a romantic partner, he'll probably want to move on (or will see this as false hope).

category12 · 13/05/2019 17:56

"Dear Guy, It's been really great meeting you but I don't think we're compatible. It'd be nice to stay in touch but understand if you're not interested in a friendship only. Cheers"

Chocmallows · 13/05/2019 17:58

Brief and nice message after 6 dates should be enough. He may question it, but it's fairer to be honest than keep him hanging on for more.

HappyLife21 · 13/05/2019 18:01

You’re allowed to kiss someone even if there’s no spark! I wouldn’t offer friendship, might come across as patronising. I think Sup3r’s message is good.

cookiechomper · 13/05/2019 18:08

I think you need to not be too harsh but get straight to the point and once it's ended, that's it. He may keep trying to get in touch but I wouldn't encourage it as if he's upset it will stop him moving on.

aibuhelp · 13/05/2019 18:33

I'd just say something along the lines of:
Hello, this is really hard for me to say as you're such a lovely decent guy but I'm just not really feeling a romantic spark and don't want to pursue things any further as that's not fair on you.. I've had such a great time getting to know you and have really enjoyed the time we've spent together but I just can't imagine us as a romantic couple. I won't say the cliché can we just be friends as I know that is a huge kick in the teeth to you although I've felt like you'd be a great friend to have around. I don't want to waste your time anymore and I was hoping that each time we'd meet I'd get the spark I really wanted to get with you but I just don't think it's meant to be. I'm sorry for wasting your time, thank you for the time we've spent together I honestly have enjoyed your company. Best wishes

Sup3rCooper · 13/05/2019 18:34

@aibuhelp I wouldn't send that! Far far too long winded

aibuhelp · 13/05/2019 18:36

@Sup3rCooper
Obviously don't have to put the entire thing I got a bit carried away 😂 but just some ideas of what to say

PorridgeIsYummy · 13/05/2019 18:36

It's also a little patronising, I think.

crappyday2018 · 13/05/2019 18:42

I agree, short and sweet. 'Hey *, really sorry but I think its best we stop seeing each other. I'm just not feeling the way I should and I don't want to waste your time as you're a great guy. Tofupho

AllSoComplicated · 13/05/2019 18:46

Be as straight as you can whilst being kind. Mixed messages hurt.

sackrifice · 13/05/2019 18:47

I'd wait until he mentioned seeing him again and then just say 'Hi, I've actually decided not to waste your time, the spark isn't there for me. I wish you well though.'

Sup3rCooper · 13/05/2019 18:58

@aibuhelp you're clearly a very kind person though Grin

madamedeluxe · 13/05/2019 19:00

I’d say, you’re a great guy and I enjoyed our time together but I don’t want to take it any further sorry.

Short and sweet and no mention of the dreaded spark.

SignedUpJust4This · 13/05/2019 19:19

Hi bloke. It's been great getting to know you but I don't see a romantic future for us and don't want to waste your time. All the best.

Even better, phone him and tell him. Texts are mean.

Original poster
Tofupho · 13/05/2019 20:27

I would be keen to stay friends as we did get on really well, I thought

OP posts:
Queenbetty · 13/05/2019 20:32

But tof, people dont go on OLD to make pals, especially not in their 30s. You cant have your cake and eat it and if you try you're likely to hurt the bloke.

SignedUpJust4This · 13/05/2019 20:34

Yep. If you keep him in the friend one he'll think he's still in with a chance.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2019 20:38

I would focus on being at different points in your life. I would hate to be told there was no spark - it just means you don't fancy them, doesn't it?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/05/2019 21:21

He won't be your friend. He'll either think it gives him a chance and use it not to get over you, or he won't be interested. He's not looking for friends, sadly.

Let him down gently. I'd be honest; because he may well want to talk about things if you make things up and find solutions.

Hi name, I hope you're well. I've been thinking about our dates so far and although you're a lovely bloke and I've enjoyed spending time with you; there's no spark for me.... something like that.

siglingor · 13/05/2019 21:22

Don't suggest being friends - it risks giving him the wrong idea.

ConfCall · 13/05/2019 23:17

I definitely agree with not offering friendship.

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