Relationship with parents

[namechangedforthis1980]

Hi

I have name changed for this but I am a regular poster. I'd really like some advice on how to move forward with a situation that happened a few years ago but I can't let go of

My Dad and I had an argument. It was 3 weeks before Christmas. It was going to be the first year we'd had Christmas at home, seeing both sets of parents on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Unfortunately our plans needed to change so we'd had to swap them around. For context we always had Christmas at my parents - ever since DS1 (15) was born.

It had been a hellish 12/18 months. Our second DS was very ill and had been through chemotherapy. Life had been turned upside down. We couldn't plan anything, had missed planned days out, cancelled holidays due to him being admitted etc. The reason we'd decided to stay at home that year was because DS2 asked to be at home, and after the year he'd had we granted that wish.

Going back to the argument- Dad called me in the morning . It wasn't a good day as we were just packing to leave for hospital ( he knew that), but he wanted to put his point across that they were angry that they didn't get what they wanted with regard to Christmas, but probably what hurt the most was how they'd counted up how many times we'd visited them that year! He also said what a kick in the teeth it was if we were tagged in somewhere with friends as that could have been a day we were with them.

We saw them more than the counted times, but they expected us to visit more than we did. They live an hour away.

It was a horrible argument and I put down the phone on Dad. He did ring back and vaguely apologised.

I'll be honest though it's really tarred my thoughts of my parents. People who I really thought highly of, who thought it acceptable to call the day we were going into hospital, thought it acceptable to be angry that we've "only" visited their home a certain number of times. They knew what hell we'd been through ( and still had 6 months to get through)

I can't let it go, it's changed the way I feel about them massively and I don't know what to do about it. I'm sad that they won't be around forever and our relationship has changed. I'm sad that the people I thought were amazing could sink to that level.

How do I get past it? I don't want to talk to them about it, we get on ok now but it's definitely changed. Would counselling help? Or is that ridiculous?

You need to talk to them about it really but it you don't want to, talk to a friend. Counselling might be a bit much if it's a single issue/instance. You know why you're upset, and know you're right to be upset. If you can't accept his apology and you don't want to speak to them about it you need to make peace with it yourself. Easier said than done I know. But think about talking to him about it again. And if you can, say what you've said here - he said X, and it made you feel like x.

It’s so hard when people you love and admire let you down and act selfishly. You either need to let it go or talk to him about it. Unfortunately you will never feel the same about him again even if you talk to him about it.
Sad.

It sounds like harmony has only appeared to prevail for the last 15 years because you've essentially done what he/they wanted - Christmas Day with them for 15 years? How did your in laws feel about that? Now that you are (quite rightly) not prioritising them for once, their anger has led them to reveal/made you realise the truth - they have no concept of you as independent adults with friends and lives that don't revolve around them, they regard your time as 'theirs' and are jealous/angry if you don't behave accordingly. This is happening not before time, I'd say.

Sounds like PIL who would find it inconceivable that we might want to spend free time and special occasions with people of our own age, and not two pensioners whose idea of fun is drinking warm water on Xmas day. SIL lives next door and is happy to live her life in the expected way, we let her crack on. We do our own thing.
I would be concerned what they will expect of you as they become increasingly old and frail and one parent is left alone. Attitudes and expectations don't tend to Improve with age. If they're like PIL a 'discussion' would get you nowhere. With one eye on the future I would just please yourselves.

I think it's very sad that at a difficult time when you needed support and understanding your DF chose to be so hard and selfish - they have really let you down.

It probably came from a feeling of helplessness but he reacted really badly.

Without a sincere and heartfelt apology I would find it impossible to move on from this, I would remain civil and yet distant and definitely not be spending any more christmases with them.

. What an awful time you’ve had. Of course you must prioritise your kids and anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth the headspace. I can see why you are upset. The last thing you need is for your DF to be needy and clingy when they should step up and support you.

You visited them through out the year, whilst your son was ill and receiving treatment. But they were unhappy it wasn’t more often. Over this time, did they visit you at all?

You need to speak to them. It sounds like they want their own way all the time, especially about Christmas. He owes you more than halfhearted apology.

How many years ago was it? How is your relationship now? Do you gloss over this argument and pretend it never happened? Has DS2 fully recovered or do you still need to focus on his health? Did you revert back to the old Christmas pattern?

TBH, now that your kids are older you still do need to focus on them otherwise they won’t come home for Christmas. Home means Home.

Is talking to them likely to improve the situation? Will it just cause another row and make them defensive? If they are people who are open to talking about how they feel and receive criticism well and you think their is a chance it will go well then by all means talk to them about it. If all it's likely to do is cause a fight it might be best to leave it. However I see no reason why you shouldn't go to counselling to work through your own feelings and get some good advice on how best to move forward.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your replies

I don't think talking to them about it is an option really, we're not that kind of family. I think I just need to accept it happened, and move on, I just don't seem to be able to do it . It just hurt so much.

I think a lot of their way stems from the fact I was a fairly young mum to DS1. I separated from his Dad when he was just a few months old and ended up having to move back in with my parents. They've always had a bit of an intensive relationship with DS1 - always saying how he's only really happy when he's with them at their house etc. Sounds horrible I know but I think they act as if he belongs to them?

I also think they feel I owe them a lot as they took us in, which I don't disagree with, but that doesn't mean we have to live our lives with them. I don't think they've ever accepted that I'm not happily married with two children.

I can't remember who asked about my PIL but they are happy with what they get at Christmas . They're considerably older than my parents so prefer a quiet Christmas with all the family together for an afternoon. I don't think this has helped with my parents as they've never had to share us with anyone.

Now happily married! Not not!!