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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating my ex's friend

25 replies

EL246 · 13/05/2019 15:19

So this goes back to when I was a child, I had a friend who I lived on the same street as, I was very close with him untill I moved as a teenager, we lost contact and didn't speak untill we were about 18 and he contacted me. We got back in touch, he was going a university not far from me so we became friends again. A couple years later I start seeing someone and I introduce him to my friend. They get on great and end up practically becoming best friends. Fast foward about 9 years, We have 2 DC together and we're married, he was even the best man at our wedding. However we ended getting a divorce and it's been over a year since then, ex is in a new relationship. I've found myself becoming much closer to this friend lately, I thought I was imagining this at first but after a while we spoke about it and we've both noticed something going on between us. We just don't know whether to take it further or not, it may effect his friendship with my XH and complicate things (even more). I suppose it's not as if XH had introduced us, we've known eachother our entire lives but that doesn't change how close they are and us knowing eachother for so long just makes it even riskier if it were not to work out. I've only really listed the negatives and from not it looks like this would be a terrible idea. Then again XH might be fine with it, things may not be as awkward as I initially thought and it may work out. It's just deciding whether to take the risk or not

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 13/05/2019 15:20

The world is full of other men. He was your husband's best man? Unforgivable.

EL246 · 13/05/2019 15:58

Yeah, I know it's not great

OP posts:
Kaddm · 13/05/2019 16:00

How exactly did your divorce come about? Did your XH leave/cheat or was this friend in the mix somehow?

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2019 16:03

You’re divorced, he’s in another relationship - I think it’s ok to pursue it.

EL246 · 13/05/2019 16:04

No he wasn't to do with it at all. XH cheated on me and the relationship went downhill from there

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2019 16:06

Oh go for it.

NameChangeNugget · 13/05/2019 16:06

He’s letting his friend down. Shocking

hellsbellsmelons · 13/05/2019 16:07

He was your friend first.
I don't see how it would be 'unforgivable' to start seeing him.
Just give a go. Go very slowly and see how it pans out.

Sculpin · 13/05/2019 16:11

I think the fact that you knew him first (rather than you met him as your ex's best friend) does make a difference here....

How close are they now? If they are best mates now and see each other a lot then this would be a bad idea. That's more important than being a best man many years ago.

Lefty1 · 13/05/2019 16:19

Your ex H cheated on you , so all loyalties from you are not expected anymore I would say.

ffs74 · 13/05/2019 16:21

I married my ex dh friend. Not his best friend but a very good one.
I'd say the fact that your dh cheated on you means any 'rules' don't count!

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2019 16:21

Shocking? Bollocks.

Your ex cheated. He doesn’t get to control the potential happiness and choices of you and his friend.

If he’s upset about it he’ll have to come round.

EL246 · 13/05/2019 17:01

They're still best friends now

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 13/05/2019 17:05

I think the bigger decision should be for the friend/guy you’re thinking of dating as to whether he’s ok with potentially losing his best friend.
In the friends situation I wouldn’t date my friends ex to be honest and I don’t think I could stay close friends with someone who dated my ex.
For you though you’re not doing anything wrong either way.

JuniFora · 14/05/2019 16:18

Your ex cheated on you so I'd have no sensitivity towards him. If you're happy with your friend then why not? Life is too short to reject happiness and you'll never know when something that feels so right is available again.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/05/2019 17:54

Isn't it a bit weird that this other guy still likes and respects your ex as a friend, when he cheated on you and was presumably an arse?? Weird taste in friends.

On the information given I would say go for it! Surely this other guy would rather be friends/lovers with you than your ex??

Middersweekly · 14/05/2019 18:01

Neither of you are doing anything wrong per se, but it could get a little bit awkward if/ when the two of them meet up for a few pints. It will definitely change the dynamic of their friendship but...he was your friend first and his loyalties should lie with you first and foremost!

ShopoholicIn · 14/05/2019 18:10

Why not op go for it

kbPOW · 14/05/2019 18:13

You should crack on, and I thought that before you said about ex cheating on you.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 18:20

Isn't it a sign of his character that his best friend is someone who cheated on you - the woman he supposedly cares for greatly?

I don't understand how that tallies up with potentially being in a relationship.

Presumably your ex doesn't know, so what's the plan? You 'out' your relationship and he drops your ex as a friend? Or he tries to stay friends with the ex who cheated on you? I don't get it tbh.

itsgoodtobehome · 14/05/2019 19:05

Why is it unforgivable? You are both single. Anyway, he is not your ex's friend - he was your friend first. Go for it!!

EL246 · 14/05/2019 19:53

He wasn't happy with my XH obviously, they did had a stage where they weren't really friends. I suppose it's not just about how my ex will react, I'm not particularly bothered about how he feels to be honest but it's also how it may look a bit odd from the outside to others how we're now suddenly dating after knowing eachother for so long

OP posts:
cookingonwine · 14/05/2019 19:57

Does he make you happy? Can you see a future?

Be happy. If people talk, let them if they have too.

Thetruthwillout80 · 14/05/2019 20:12

Life is too short. Go for it.

SandyY2K · 14/05/2019 22:04

While I'm unsympathetic towards your cheating Ex...I'd find this too awkward personally.

I'd also expect more loyalty from my friend if I'm honest...I'd not want him to talk to my Ex...but I realise that may sound a bit OTT.

Like you, I'd be concerned about what other think as well. Best man at the wedding etc...those who don't know will assume it was you who cheated.

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