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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STIs - I've been a naïve idiot

36 replies

onabendybus · 13/05/2019 14:11

Hi all, first time poster and in need of some help. I'm 23 at university and am in a right pickle - I need some help sorting my head out. I feel so ashamed and like an absolute idiot.

I just got my results back from (what I thought was) a routine STI check - I've got chlamydia. I know that this could have only come from my most recent ex-partner as I'd had a clean bill of health before him. As soon as the results came out, I called him, and he eventually admitted that he had played away towards the end of our relationship. I'm gutted, but told him to get tested and to contact everyone he'd slept with etc.

However, in the two week gap between the test and getting the results, I slept with someone else. I know that I should have waited, but I had no reason to expect that my results wouldn't be negative. Parts of the sex were protected, but others weren't, so he is at risk. We are at uni together on the same course (different years though) and he's a nice bloke - I've messaged him asking for a chat but I'm absolutely at a loss at what to say to him. I feel horrendously guilty for putting him in this situation by not just waiting, or being completely sensible and not having sex until the bloody results came through. I care about this guy as a friend and I know he's going to think worse of me after this.

I'd be so grateful words of advice for the conversation, or how to move on from this.

OP posts:

Maddy762 · 13/05/2019 14:14

Say your ex cheated on you and gave you chlamydia and he needs to get checked. This isn't your fault. And if he shames you/makes you feel like it is your fault then he is disgusting.

pepperpot99 · 13/05/2019 14:15

Which bits about safe sex don't you understand then?

Justbreathing · 13/05/2019 14:15

Don’t feel too bad. It’s happened. You’re grown up enough to tell him And it wasn’t really your fault. You trusted your ex.
Don’t be so hard on yourself

I would over emphasise that your ex played away.

QueenOfPain · 13/05/2019 14:17

Just be honest and tell him how it is. It’s all you can do. Chlamydia is easily treated, especially with it being caught early, although you obviously haven’t mentioned a time frame. But honesty is the best policy.

You could also speak to the Gum clinic about contacting this guy for you, but depending on his sexual history he might easily be able to establish where it’s come from anyway.

You are doing the absolute right thing, you’ve identified the problem, and you’re taking steps to rectify it. Try and let go of the shame and just deal with the facts. You will almost certainly be more careful going forward so this is just one of those life lessons, unfortunately.

TeaForTheWin · 13/05/2019 14:17

So you thought the clymaidia would be cleared up by then? Or you just hoped it would and slept with him anyway?

Either way, I would approach it from the angle of the first option. You had the treatment and were just waiting on the results. Chances are he wont have caught anything from you and tbh, he put himself at risk dabbeling unprotected. But so have you, because you never know, he could have gonorea xD

Just have a frank convo with him 'look my ex gave me clamyidia, I've had the treatment for hit before we had sex and so I thought that was that but upon picking up the test results we got to talking and they said I really shouldn't have risked it until they came back' or something along those lines.

That being said, if the results come back all clear and the sex wasn't that long before them...hmm...I might be tempted not to say anything. But I guess that would be a dicky thing to do. So yeah, have a chat with him.

RagingWhoreBag · 13/05/2019 14:18

You don’t need to be embarrassed - chlamydia is sadly very common. He is as much to blame for not protecting himself as you were.

Parts of the sex were protected, but others weren't, so he is at risk

However, instead of constantly testing for STIs between partners and then having unprotected sex when you get the all clear, you need to be protecting yourself all the time (I presume you’re expecting to see test results, not just trusting that these guys have also had clear tests?)

QueenOfPain · 13/05/2019 14:19

And just to clarify, the “life lesson” I am referring to is testing between partners and careful use of barrier methods for all risky activity.

pepperpot99 · 13/05/2019 14:20

You had an STI test but chose to have unsafe sex with someone before the results even came back.

How lovely.

Justbreathing · 13/05/2019 14:21

@TeaForTheWin
She didn’t know she had chlamydia
She trusted her ex hadn’t fucked around behind her back. And she’d been tested before her most recent ex.

The only life lesson is that you can’t trust anyone sadly

Justbreathing · 13/05/2019 14:22

Can people honestly not read.

TeaForTheWin · 13/05/2019 14:25

Yeah just pointing out here I wouldn't go as far as to say it is 'ok' or 'all her exs fault'. I mean I get it that these things happen in the heat of the moment and it is also partly his fault for not being safe but...

If it was a guy posting this the replies I suspect would be a bit different. Eg: so you know you have clyamidia and didn't wait until you got the all clear after treatment to sleep with a girl unprotected. A girl whom you consider a friend. Hmm...

Hats of to the op for admitting her mistake and wanting to do the decent thing about it. But i'd stop short at saying she bares no blame because that would be a croc of crap and if it was a dude in her position we'd be taring him a new one lol.

QueenOfPain · 13/05/2019 14:26

There are some really vile people in these comments who must only ever have had sex with one virgin partner in the dark, flat on their back with three condoms between them.

OP, don’t listen to this bullshit. Just be honest with him, let the shame go, be more careful in future and live your life having lots of wonderful safe sex with whoever you fucking want.

theworldistoosmall · 13/05/2019 14:26

Well, he's also to blame for having unprotected sex. If he kicks off that's his problem. Also hope you have been retested since you slept with him.

TeaForTheWin · 13/05/2019 14:26

She didn’t know she had chlamydia
Ah ok my bad, strike my prior comment then.

Original poster

onabendybus · 13/05/2019 14:27

Thanks for the replies.

I should have probably been more clear about the time frame - I split up with my ex in mid-March, so his cheating would have been around February. I had the test about two weeks ago (as I went to the clinic to get my pill and thought might as well). The sex was last week, and I had the results today.

My ex and I were together for 9 months and I had a clean bill of health before him. I did not know that he'd cheated before I slept with this guy - this has only come out because of my test results.

OP posts:

QueenOfPain · 13/05/2019 14:28

@teaforthewin

Go back and read the original post. When she got tested she was doing it routinely, not because she thought she had anything. She had not yet had any results, or any treatment when she met this other guy. It was an unwise choice to have parts of whatever activity they were doing unprotected, but i’m sure millions of people have made the same mistake.

theworldistoosmall · 13/05/2019 14:29

Hopefully now you will test and insist partners test before stopping condoms. And you will also test between partners.

Sunshineandflipflops · 13/05/2019 14:29

I'd just be honest and like others have said, it's also his responsibility to protect himself. Don't play roulette with your health though op...always use condoms.

Moralitym1n1 · 13/05/2019 14:35

Can people honestly not read.

Every MN thread is like this, frustrating as fk.

Original poster

onabendybus · 13/05/2019 14:36

Queen is correct. The test was routine. I had a test before my ex partner and he had one before we stopped using condoms. The STI has come from him cheating on me unprotected. I obviously did not know this so continued to sleep with him unprotected as normal. When I got tested, I had no reason to believe that it would be positive whatsoever, hence my shock.

If I have to be really specific, the vaginal sex was protected but oral was not.

Yes, I will be seeking treatment and getting retested after this and being specifically careful. It was a foolish heat of the moment mistake.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 13/05/2019 14:42

"I've just found out my ex cheated on me and has infected me with clamydia. You'd best get tested. It's antibiotics if you have it. I'm really sorry, I obviously wouldn't have done that with you if I'd known".

What else can you do.

Your ex is a fuckwit bastard incidentally.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 13/05/2019 14:48

pepperpot99
Can you not read? She didn't know she had an sti. Her ex cheated and gave it to her and she, unknowingly, passed it on to her new partner. What’s so difficult for you to understand about that?

Op, don’t worry so much. Just come clean. Emphasise you were unaware that your ex had cheated and don’t make this mistake again

prawnsword · 13/05/2019 14:48

Would say what others have, explain your ex cheated & gave it to you. They have admitted as much. There are quite a few UK sti docos on YouTube, imagine it’s similar elsewhere just not as well documented !

It’s ok, go easy on yourself....things happen in life. This is treatable & so common. You got told you have this thing, you find out your ex lied, have to take antibiotics & deserve some nice comforting self care time right now.

Original poster

onabendybus · 13/05/2019 14:53

Thanks morality. He hasn't replied to me yet but I think if he doesn't v soon I will send that exact message (and then hide for a million years).

I know I was an idiot. I do not sleep around (not that I should have to justify this by saying that, but there you go). I test between partners. I did not stop using barrier methods with my ex until we had both had clean tests. The same goes for any previous relationships. Any casual encounters I have had in the past I have always used condoms for all activities. Even if I hadn't happened to have had a test a few weeks ago, I was going to retest (today, actually) after last weekend. I trusted that my ex had not been cheating on me. I feel naïve to have not have waited until the results of my routine check, and of course to have had unprotected oral sex, but I have learned my lesson.

There's never a nice way to find out that your ex has cheated on you. Chlamydia just feels like the cherry on top of a really shit cake.

OP posts:

katy78 · 13/05/2019 15:02

Be sure to tell him then to get a throat swab

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