Feeling guilty for having boundaries.,wtf is wrong with me?!

[Motheroffeminists]

I have an ex fwb and now ex friend. he turned out to be many things, none of which were nice and I decided to cut contact. He is obviously hurt that I don't speak to him anymore as he asked me why a while back. And stupid me feels bad that I've hurt him! This is a guy that has hurt me over and over again until mumsnet made me wise up. And it's his actions that have meant that we are no longer friends. Unfortunately I often see him in passing and due to his actions (police involved) I refuse to even acknowledge him. Wtf is wrong with me that I feel guilty??!! Please give me a virtual slap.

I struggle with having boundaries in general and always feel bad for having them. It took me until I was in my 40s to establish good boundaries but I feel guilty about it.

OP! Surely the answer is in your very words. You were trained from birth to place others before yourself, you did it for 40+ years, YEARS! Of course you will feel that automatic guilt whenever you go against your decades of training.

Guilt is useful in that it's a sign post for you to check whether you have violated your own values.

But the trick is to take a look, see that it's your old values that have been violated ("I should take care of everyone's feelings"), notice that your NEW values are intact ("My safety comes before the feelings of others"), and then smile and say thank fuck, I am doing the right thing, thanks guilt for reminding me to check in with myself to confirm that.

You are doing a wonderful job. I'm sorry he let you down like this. It must have been really bad for you to risk feeling as shit an emotion as guilt, I know all too well how awful it feels, even though it's just a feeling and intellectually you know it will pass.

Stop right there OP! You deserve boundaries, you deserve to honour your own feelings. Don't let him manipulate you like this, you are worthy of a lot more than that. If you do not want to speak to someone, then you don't do it. You don't owe him anything. If someone is not bringing positivity into your life then they have no place being in it. Marie Kondo him, if he doesn't bring you joy... out he goes!

You have a far higher duty to take care of yourself than anything else. Make that your priority. It's mental health week, honour it in how you speak to yourself and by not allowing his negative influence back into your circle.

You're suffering from a disease known as niceness, almost entirely affects females .

Only known cure is a medicine called "fuck you", and/or regular Mumsnet wiseup threads .

Wtf is wrong with me that

You have a heart and empathy. Nothing wrong with that!

If the police were involved I think keep on ignoring him. Or does he look at you with puppy dog eyes to MAKE you feel guilty?

"He is obviously hurt"

Is he? Hurt?

Or just irritated, shocked, put out that you are no longer his doormat?

Never apologise for having boundaries, if you have to tell a grown man how to treat another person there is something far wrong, trust your gut and have faith in yourself

@picklemepopcorn good point. He's probably angry that I'm no longer stroking his ego by flirting with him. He's over a decade older and it must have been quite the ego boost to have me at his beck and call. Now I don't even look in his direction. I don't acknowledge his presence at all. There's probably some hurt there but mainly anger I think.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I feel much better tonight.