Relationship advice please!

[ADVICENEEDED134]

Hi,

I'm not to sure where to start with all this.

I partly feel guilty for even writing this thread, I tried to speak to my best friend about it but she didn't really want to offer advice which of course, I respect.

I will give some background on my current relationship first: basically I have been with my current partner for 5 years. We was very happy for a long time, we own a house together, are due to get married very soon and was planning a baby. Unfortunately we did have some misscarriage which I'm currently having some investigations for.

I really love my current partner but I do not feel loved by him at all. We both work long hours so don't get much time together but when we do he doesn't get off his phone, I try to cuddle him and he pushes me away, he's very short tempered with me in regards to keeping the house clean ( our house is spotless, to the point it's becoming clinical).

There's so many little things he does which really upsets me but it's never a big deal to him and always shuts me down when I try to do something.

We recently went for my hospital appointment where I became abit teary. I struggled to talk about the fact I've had 4 misscarriages.

He then said " I honestly don't even know why you was crying, I was abit like what the hell"

And then there's my EX..

Basically my first love I went out with when I was 14-18, we ended up splitting up purely because we was both to just immature for the relationship and was very young.

After we split up, I was so heartbroken. We both got into new relationships to which his broke down after a year of being together. I'm currently still with my partner 5 years on! He's never had another girlfriend since this girl.

The problem is, we never lost contact. My partner knows this to a certain extent. I love my partner so dearly however I find myself thinking about my first love a lot. It's an important thing to note! I'm due to get married !!

I always pushed these feelings to the back of my mind and thought I was being silly. Then the EX has now basically contacted me and said he would like to date me and see how things would go. I basically froze when he said this and told him it was completely inappropriate and that he knows my situation. I was so shocked by this, I always thought we just remained friends and now it's confused me so much. I've not spoke to my EX since he said this. He told me to chill out and it wasn't a big deal.

The thing is the EX is always away with work, he was from when we was 17. It was one of the reasons why we split up however he has always said " I'll come back for you when we are 29. Purely because this is when he plans to stop this job" ( without giving away to much of what he does, normally people retire at this age in this career )

I feel he's never truly let go of me. It's really difficult because if I cut this EX out my life, I cut half my friends.

It bugs me, I know I need to stop talking to him for good ( especially now he's said this) but I feel like he's always been there at a arms length for a long time.

I didnt speak to him for a year and things was great with me and my partner! But then my ex's grandad died ( who I was very close with) and we never stopped talking after I gave my condolences.

It's not a every day thing or every week but certainly a monthly things

I'm really stuck in this situation, I love my partner dearly but my god he complains about everything. Everything we do is his terms and it's making me so unhappy.

He always wants to be cleaning the house ( our house is spotless anyways), he is also very materialistic. He never suggests going on dates and he moans at me for spending MY money and tells me I can't or I shouldn't. If I go out with friends he falls out with my the next day.

If he would just stop these things I'd be the luckiest girl in the world but he's honestly so full on and I'm really struggling to cope with how he's being. I think this is partly why I can't stop talking to my EX because he honestly does cheer me up ( without even knowing so)

Please call off your wedding.
Your 'D'P sounds horrible.
What do you love about it?
He seems to have some kind of OCD.
He's controlling about money.
He's controlling about your friends.
He's negative.
He's always complaining.
Everything is on HIS terms.
You don't feel like he loves you.
Really! Look at all that.
Why are you bothering with him?
I think you probably need some time on your own to learn about who you are.
You've been in relationships since you were 14.
What are your interests?
What are your hobbies?
You are so young.
Don't settle just because you think you should.
You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Please do not get married if you're feeling like this. To be honest, your current boyfriend sounds like a misery! He also sounds very controlling; telling you when you can/can't see your friends or what you spend your own money on.

But I don't think running off with your Ex is the answer.

Suggest you think about being single to help you sort your head out. Why do you still feel so dependent on your Ex? Maybe some counselling would help.

@hellsbellsmelons @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Thank you both for your reply's, for a long time I've felt like it's all just been me being silly.

I don't know why he's being like this, when we first got together he was so loving, but he is certainly becoming more controlling. I've tried to reach out to family but my parents both absolutely adore him. So I'm finding it hard to call off the wedding or leave. I also know this would break his heart and I know what that feels like and don't want to put him through it.

I'm not actually to sure if it's me or my ex who's dependant on each other. I think being on my own would be exactly what I need but because I've always been in a relationship ( these are my lit only two relationships)

I wouldn't even know what to do or how to be on my own. I'm also so fearful my current partner would make it difficult for us to sell the house we live in.

If he doesn't like a situation he has a way of making sure it doesn't happen, but he always comes across to everyone else like hes the angel which puts a lot of pressure on me and I cave. Have you got any advice on how I stay strong in the process. I have tried to do this before but gave in xx

Look, you obviously can't marry this person. He is making you miserable (and he is a git).

I would suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder as it may be relevant. The lack of empathy your partner shows may be indicative of it or a similar personality issue. It isn't excusable and your relationship won't get better.

But please stop living in the past regarding your ex too (at least until you have dealt with the present). I suggest you make two clean breaks. But certainly, see about calling things off with your current partner. He isn't a nice person. You should never marry or bring children into the world with someone like that. You will only end up getting lonelier and lonelier until the day you die or divorce. Save yourself the heartache and be strong now.

Womens aid might give good advice when it comes to what to do about getting him out and what to do next.

Please don't marry your partner. He makes you unhappy and is controlling - I don't understand how you can say you love someone who does this to you.

As for your ex, he is an ex for a reason. He probably seems very attractive compared to your insensitive 'clean freak' partner. That doesn't mean you should get back together with him.

I think you should split from your partner and perhaps spend time alone rather than rushing into another relationship.

I was also wondering though if your partner needs some sort of counselling. Although he was insensitive over you crying when discussing your MC, does this have anything to do with him not wanting to cuddle and pushing you away? Is he frightened of you becoming pregnant again? Just a thought. Even if you separate he maybe does need some help.

Don't marry him to keep everyone else happy.
I nearly did this when I was around your age.
I was literally getting married because everyone loved him.
He was great. Like a son to my mum and dad.
I was like a daughter to his mum and dad.
But, I did find the strength to end it and call off the wedding.
The hardest thing I've ever done.
I broke his heart and every one else's but I knew I couldn't go through it for everyone else.
This was MY life and MY decision.
Everyone got over it.
And my ExP wasn't abusive in any way.

Don't do this to please others.
You get one shot at this life.
Live it how YOU want to.
Not how everyone else wants you to.
That way madness lies!!!

@hellsbellsmelons thank you, did you regret it?

My partner isn't abusive, he was actually so lovely. He's changed so much the last 10 months. It's a really hard pill to swallow atm if I'm honest.

I've tried so hard to change how I am around him etc to see if he go back to being himself but nothing works. ☹️

The question to ask yourself is, would you be happy knowing this is your forever?

When you're 50-60-70 when you look back will you think positively of the years gone by? Will you feel you have used your time well? Will you have spent your life happy - after all isn't that the only ambition to have?

I wouldn't marry him, I'd leave, you deserve to be happy.

No I didn't regret it at all.
It was something I knew I had to do.
Better to call off the wedding than go through with it and get a divorce.
It took a few months but everyone came round in the end.
They realised I didn't love him in the same way and it wouldn't have been fair on him to go through with it.
And certainly not fair on me.
You can't change who you are to please a man.
You just can't.
Don't lose yourself trying to make him happy.
The goal posts will always move.
He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

Any idea why he has changed in the last 10 months? Is the wedding soon, can it be postponed?

Don't get married to that controlling angry man. Be on your own and experienced life as an independent woman. Don't go from him to your ex.

I don't think the problem here is your relationship. I think the problem is in him. I don't mean he's a mean guy or anything, but it sounds like he is going through something hard- does he hate his job, or anything like that? He sounds unhappy.

I definitely believe honest communication is so important. Sit down and talk about it- and I don't mean while watching TV, I mean ask him out and tell him you need to talk - that will prepare him to have a more honest and open discussion.

Good luck!

@MiaWoman

I think your right, he is most certainly unhappy but I'm not to sure why.
I tried to do this last night but he just kinda ignored me and said he was fine.

I don't think it's me as last night he cuddled me lots and normally wouldn't do that if I'd do something wrong.

I don't think it's his job as he works for himself. I'm not to sure if he's feeling overwhelmed and maybe this is the character he is when he isn't feeling himself.

Thank you!