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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sad, don't want to end my marriage

16 replies

stuckk · 13/05/2019 10:50

Basically I need some help with a reality check and to get some self respect.

Dh has told me he doesn't want to be with me and no longer likes me, he wants me to move out as sees me as a dependant user and that my MH problems are all made up and not real.

I don't want to lose my marriage but I can't change my personality (I've tried, I guess I can't sustain it in the long run). I love him but I've already lost him I suppose. I am scared to move out, I have no job and no income and I'm scared how I would provide for my children. I have suicidal ideation a lot and I really don't have the strength to deal with this.

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 13/05/2019 11:48

Op he sounds like a really horrible person. Why would you want to stay with someone who thinks so little of you?
I know it's hard to accept the end of a relationship if it's not your choice but staying and knowing he clearly doesn't love you anymore would be even more soul destroying.
Get your finances sorted and tell him fine, to fuck off so, and then concentrate on building a new life for you and your dc, it will be tough but worth it eventually.
Aside from that I'd be looking for the ow, tbh, she's bound to be in the background somewhere.

rainbowlovesfroot · 13/05/2019 11:53

If he wants a divorce, that means ur relationship is over. It’s takes two to make a relationship.

Don’t move out until ur stable and ready. You need to start thinking about how you will support yourself so look into what jobs you can get, benefit, housing help. Get that all sorted

If ur the primary caregiver, look into how much Child Maintenance you can expect to receive from ur ex husband. Decide with him how much contact he wants with the kids- every weekend overnight and once a week or whatever.

How old are ur children ?

take control and start the process

MyCatHogsTheBed · 13/05/2019 11:55

Why does he think you should move out? Is it his house? What does he propose for the children?

Sadiesnakes · 13/05/2019 11:55

Also with regards to your mh. If you are not seeing your gp about your depression for meds or therapy or both, I'd go ASAP, today even. You need to look after yourself to be strong for your dh. Being strong includes making sure you get the right support to help you cope with any bad times ahead. You can do this op, fuck him off and build yourself a much better future.

Myownpath · 13/05/2019 11:56

Really feel for you. It’s overwhelming all the things that are going through your mind right now. Make a list, a list of all the things you would do in your dream life. Places to go. Things to do with the dc and look forward. As awful as you feel this is, your life will get better and you will be much happier. Now play some really loud music and dance like an idiot! Yes your dc will think mummy has gone mad but it honestly helps. x

ShinyShoe · 13/05/2019 11:58

Is the property owned and in both your names? If yes, you don’t necessarily have to move out. Are you the primary care giver to the children? If I was you, I wouldn’t agree to anything until you’d seen a solicitor. Most offer a free half hour consultation. Google divorce solicitor in your area and book a couple up ASAP. Tell them that your husband has said you are to leave the property and you need urgent advice. When I spoke to a solicitor about my marriage she told me on no account to leave the property (owner and in both names). Why do you feel that you should be the one to leave?

Missingstreetlife · 13/05/2019 11:59

See a solicitor. Asap. Don't leave your home or children until you know your rights. Hope you have a friend or family to help you. Good luck.

Original poster

stuckk · 13/05/2019 12:18

Thanks. I've made a list but I just want to bury my head in the sand. It's our property but I can't take it on, I imagine it will have to be sold but again can't cope with that. It's heartbreaking having to be in the same house but separate which is why I'm looking at renting somewhere sooner rather than later, but maybe it's better to stay put and see a solicitor first.

OP posts:

Halo84 · 13/05/2019 12:45

It’s definitely better to see a solicitor first.

NorthEndGal · 13/05/2019 12:50

Solicitor first, then a councilor for you to get some help

category12 · 13/05/2019 12:58

See a solicitor before you do anything. Don't move out. The assets of the marriage are half yours and you may have a greater claim on the house as primary care giver. You may feel it's too much, but forcing a sale, if you left and he's sat there & decides to be awkward, could drag it out considerably leaving you struggling.

Check into what benefits etc you'll be entitled to as a single parent, and start a claim.

If you're feeling suicidal, please speak to the Samaritans and get in touch with your gp or cpn.

Lozzerbmc · 13/05/2019 22:36

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Can you see your GP asap?

I dont see why you should leave as assume you are main carer for DCs. I’d get legal advice and a part time job if you can to fit around DCs.

Have you got some real life support.? Please get all the support you can. Be kind to yourself and remember your DCs love and need you xx

PWestgate · 14/05/2019 00:08

I am sorry he said this to you, its unkind.

You are capable. Your MH may make things challenging but you're a woman and a capable one.

You can show your children that you can get through things and come out on the other side. My mum showed me this and it was a vital part of growing up.

If you are a kind caring compassionate person, start with care work in the community. It's not too demanding and allows you to socialise with the people you care for an occasionally others. The hours are 0 hour, so do as and what you need and build up.

Also, consider 0 hour or adhoc cleaning, to get yourself out there and build your confidence.

You'll have some financial freedom and independence. Your children will see you working, which is important. Your confidence will build and take it from there.

Mummaofmytribe · 14/05/2019 00:12

Ask for an emergency GP appointment and then you need to see a solicitor asap. I know it's really hard to do these things but you really need to. If you have someone in your life you trust, see if they can go with you. I know it's daunting. Good luck. Don't agree to anything before you have support and legal advice

callkiki · 14/05/2019 00:54

Contact Citizens Advice, find out what you are entitled to. Possibly legal aid if you have no income and file for legal separation. My ex made £55k and I had no income and received Legal Aid and other support.

Don't do anything until you get advice. My ex was stunned to learn that all his claims of what I was entitled to were WRONG :) The Legal Aid made sure and add my name to the property even though it was only in his name and the mortgage was only in his name. He tried to make me leave and he couldn't legally.

Find out your rights and it will help with your planning on what to do.

babba2014 · 14/05/2019 01:17

Don't leave. It is your home and your children need this roof over them.
Take one step at a time but don't move out.
He is being unfair but now take the time to focus on you and find ways to cope with life. Your children need you and you can get through this.

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