Ok, so I am doing some soul searching and could do with some impartial advice! Sorry in advance for the novel!!
I have an older sis and younger brother and am happily married with 2 teens; neither of them have children and my brother, who I used to be close to, has a partner who has openly said she doesn't like being around children. As a result my brother and her won't come to our house and have never invited us to theirs. My relationship with my sis has never been close - she is now a single 50something in a high powered job where everyone does what she tells them. She is incredibly dominant in our family and privately I think my parents, who are now 80, are intimidated by her. She controls everything and gets frustrated with me as I do push back and won't be bossed around by her after 50 years!
When my children were quite small she constantly asked them (directly through cards etc, not through me) to go and stay with her on their own (she is about 200 miles away). They never wanted to go (she is very precious about her belongings, wants to talk to them about her achievements not what they are interested in etc) so I naturally protected them - and her, I guess - from having to say that and just made excuses. That has now led to accusations from my mum that I kept the children from them all. I have always been close to my dad and we shared many sporting interests in common, but my mum has never been a very affectionate person and can be quite hard. We got much closer when my children were born and holidayed together, children stayed with grandparents on their own (250 miles away) etc but as time went on the main focus of my parents relationship with them was to talk about my brother and sister - how rich and successful they were (money and status v important to my parents). Even my children noted that all their grandparents wanted to force on them was their aunt and uncle and that their grandparents were different when my siblings were around.
This came to a head recently when my parents dropped into a conversation that there was a trust fund for each of my children, trustees of which were my parents, brother and sister. This idea had been suggested about 8 years ago and I said I thought, as their legal guardian who knows them best, that I should be too. It was never mentioned again until a couple of weeks ago as my eldest son is approaching 18. My dad said that they'd been discussing with my bro and sis how best to release the money/what to do with it. I'm afraid I lost my rag as I didn't even know this existed. I told my mum I couldn't understand why I wasn't also involved particularly as I know my siblings don't really like me and exclude me from everything they do. The conversation went badly and she said I'd been possessive of my children, kept them from them (they see them several times per year and more when they were younger - it is a 500 mile round trip and we both work full time) and always put them first at others expense. She showed absolutely no emotion although I got upset. Last night my dad rang my 17-year old directly on his mobile (never happened before EVER) telling him there was a trust fund and asking for his NI number as they were changing provider. Obvs he didn't know it and when suggesting he'd go and ask me, was told they were trying to keep this away from his mum. We had to explain the situation to our son who was livid and doesn't now want the money. That would cause an irreversible family rift as they would hold me responsible and that money would give him a foot up in life/help with uni etc. I wouldn't want him to make a decision he regretted. I can't discuss with my parents - my dad doesn't do anything emotional so opts out and my mum is clearly majorly p***d off with me. I had yet another sleepless night worrying about this and what to do/how to move forward. Anyone got any useful advice to steer my way out?