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Original poster

In law strain on our marriage

14 replies

millian · 13/05/2019 01:08

How to/can we save our marriage when our biggest strain is his family?

I moved an hour away from home to live with them whilst I was pregnant and we were saving for our own home. I quickly gathered they were a lazy family, husband was always in work and everyone else always in their rooms watching tv, rarely cleaned the house, did dishes, laundry etc never had a family meal together. I did all the housework for them (I didn't pay rent and felt this was the way to show appreciation) so soon after I was relied on to do all this. Never mind, we were all family.
Then baby arrived and I felt the strain of housework, and no matter how lazy someone is you'd think they'd jump to see and spend time with their first and only grandchild... after all the excitement shown during my pregnant time. DD was seen once the day she came home from hospital. And since it's only been when we happened to bump into each other around the house.
When hub asked for a date night she agreed to watch DD for 2 hours whilst we went out. I was nervous but DD was only 4 months old, slept a lot and we chose to go during her nap time. Came home to her crying in her cot alone, ibruprofen bottle next to her and all 10 of her nails black filled with dirt. I was heartbroken.
Next thing I know they've been smoking around her but "don't worry all the kids grew up like this and they're all fine" - FUMING.

And upcoming weeks I've seen things like her picking dummy off a filthy floor from dogs just being out in the rain and come in to give to DD and was too quick for me to stop before it got in her mouth.
I really had enough and just went out and rented a house - couldn't wait much longer in this environment! I've failed my baby staying there for the time I did with her and still beat myself up about it now 2 years on.
She tells everyone how much she loves her granddaughter but baby's first Christmas she purposely went out and took a loan of £1k to buy presents - all for her daughter not 1 thing for her only grandchild even though we lived together and spent Christmas Day together. She failed to wish her a happy 1st birthday or get a present.
I drive my daughter an hour to my own parents house when I go to work, they have shown nothing but pure love to her, always ASKS to have her and take her on holiday, and just generally loves her so truly.
DH turns a blind eye to everything!!!! And has never said 1 word to his family about their actions. Since we've moved out they have NEVER asked about her or purposely come over to see her yet he takes her to see them! During times when I'm at work too so I can't stop them. It's in our arguments everytime and he says he can't just cut them out of his life but WHERES the respect for me that I don't want my daughter to see them?! They don't even want to know her why should they get to be a part of her life growing? I'm really upset and feel like this is gonna be the breaking reason of our marriage.
Am I selfish? I have even stayed civil with them for the sake of my marriage but everything is building up inside and I'm gonna explode one day. Please advice

OP posts:
Original poster
millian · 13/05/2019 01:14

Sorry all the "her" in the text was referring to MIL*

OP posts:
username198817 · 13/05/2019 01:17

I really do feel for you. My in laws aren't interested at all. Baby is almost 5 month old and they have met him twice. (By us making the effort) Didn't even get him a card/present when he was born. Aren't interested in the slightest. Fortunately for me, dp agrees with me that we have now made more than enough effort with them and if they don't want to be in ds's life then that's just their loss! I hope it gets better for you x

Seniorschoolmum · 13/05/2019 01:38

Op, you’ve moved out so your dd lives in a clean safe environment now.
I can understand how your dh wasn’t comfortable raising the issues before because you were living in their home. That’s a pretty big thing but you don’t seem very grateful.

Doing the housework was hugely generous of you but some families have different standards and might not see it in the same way. The same with presents, they might think buying things for a 1yo is a bit pointless.

Now you have a home of your own, they can probably sense that you don’t like them much which is why that don’t come round,
Your dh has every right to take his dd to see his mum. Imagine if he told you, you couldn’t take her to see your mum.

I’d just let everything cool down for a while. You have your own space now, enjoy it and let the other stuff go. It really don’t matter.

Birdie6 · 13/05/2019 02:36

I would let it go. You had a bad time living with them, but you're away from them now so move on and don't dwell on it.

I personally think it's good that your DH takes her over to visit his family. They are HIS family, he is never going to cut them off and nor should he. I'd drop that if I were you - it won't end well if you keep telling him that you don't want her to see them.

Just make the most of having your own place now - you can live the way you want to, and bring up your daughter as you like with no interference.

Seahorseshoe · 13/05/2019 02:50

I don't think you should stop DH taking her to see them. At least you don't have to go.

As she grows, I wouldn't bad mouth them to her, let her make her own mind up. She might feel its personal and feel hurt by it.

Crap in laws are the pits. I feel for you. Just stay away from them yourself.

Halo84 · 13/05/2019 06:40

I agree with those that say let it go. If your husband takes DD when you’re not home and you don’t have to see them, that seems like a win/win to me.

Incidentally, a little dirt is good for developing immune systems. My sibling is a professor of medicine, specializing in Crohn’s disease and IBS. One of the current views is that sterile environments exacerbate theses diseases. I’m not suggesting children should grow up in filth, just that a little dirt is beneficial.

FunkyFantasticFudgeball · 13/05/2019 06:50

A little dirt ok but a 4 month old with dirt under her fingernails?? How does that happen? Why was she crying in her cot alone when you came back? I'd find that hard to get over to be honest. I'd be ok with your husband bringing her over for visits and I'd be quite happy that they don't want more of a relationship with her.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 06:59

How did a 4 month old get dirt under her nails? And why was there ibuprofen next to her???? That’s the appalling thing-not the lack of cards and presents.......

Nc1548 · 13/05/2019 07:09

How did a 4 month old get dirt under her nails? And why was there ibuprofen next to her????

^ this

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2019 07:18

You're out of there now and in your own place, so just breathe a sigh of relief and forget it. Obviously your DD is the best thing since sliced bread as far as you're concerned but the extended family don't always feel that way. A baby is a baby. And imho, presents given to babies are really for the parents' benefit, to earn brownie points.

And obviously DH is entitled to take DD to see his family if he wants to, even if you don't approve.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 07:21

“And obviously DH is entitled to take DD to see his family if he wants to, even if you don't approve.”
Well, yes. But not until you’ve got to the bottom of the dirty nails and the ibuprofen bottle. Unless the baby is going to be in her father’s arms at all times.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/05/2019 21:57

I wouldn't have my Child in a manky dirty smoke filled house for a second, never mind a regular visit. Shock

Cherrysoup · 13/05/2019 23:02

I’d not be happy with him taking over to a smoker’s house when they smoke round her. You need to educate your dh on SIDS. Does he not know about the risk or does he not care?

PWestgate · 14/05/2019 00:03

I read your post with my mouth open in shock

I then read others replies.

I am guilty of seeing things my way and not always interpreting my actions correctly or if at all. We are all guilty of this

There is a chance you're completley right and reasonable

There is also a chance they struggled with you and him living there, they may have sensed your negative feelings, they may have not understood your help and gratitude. There are a few alarm things you've raised.

What I could suggest is inviting them for family days out. Ask your husband to discuss not to smoke next to baby and go to the park with them or local farm or whatever else. Build up a civil relationship. Invite them around for dinner, for your partner's sake and also your child.

It's their choice if they come, it's their choice if they're engaged and its their choice if they reciprocate the effort. But do it and do it for a good while. If it gets to the point that the frequent invitations are turned down, then make it 3-4 times a year. Your partner and children can never say you didn't try.

What could come out of it is some lovely family days out or family dinners and an improved relationship

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