Am I overacting - cannibas

[201317aaja]

Hello

First time I’ve posted on here but hoping for some advice.

Been with my partner for 8 years, married for 6. We have a 5 and 2 year old. When we first got together, partner smoked weed. I was never a fan but it wasn’t a big deal either, always went outside to do so etc

After a year or so it started to become an issue, always ‘out of it’, always smelling of it, making loads of stupid errors at work (we worked together). We had the conversation and partner cut it right down to 1-2 evenings a week (so I thought).

We were planning to get married, date was set and then I accidentally found out partner had been getting into debt behind my back to the value of £100 a week due to buying and smoking cannibals in secret.

We had it out again, cleared the air. Reduced it again but I was a lot more vigilant to finances etc this time. Things seem to be going ok. We then had our son.

When he was 3 and I was pregnant, partner had a breakdown, moved out for a few months due to depression, it works out the weed habit was still alive but this time saw a doctor and got some professional help.

Partner stopped smoking cigs and weed and has been “clean” for over 18 months but sure enough, it’s started again!

Partner is also diabetic so this is a big medical risk as well as something we can’t afford and something I never wanted around my children. Partner always smokes away from home or outside, never with the kids but I do believe partner has driven the car under the influence though will never admit it.

Tried discussing it but I get a Stoney silence.

Am I over-reacting?

Should I be ok with this as long as it’s not around the kids?

Or am I well within my rights to feel this way?

Sorry for the long post, I just don’t know wether to relax and back off or call it a day and end things (I’m sick of the lies)

TIA

Occasional use of cannabis... I wouldn't get fussed.

But this is different. He's clearly got an issue, and addiction and it's affecting he every day life.

Time to speak to the docs, tell him if he doesn't get cleaned up, for good he's out on his ear.

It's such a shame when someone ruins themselves on something that really should just be a bit of fun. (stands back and waits for the telling off)

Many people on MN have no issue with cannabis, I could not tolerate even an occasional use. Howeve it’s what you are prepared to put up with that counts. He is far more than an occasional user though and is an addict hence the lies and debt. People that have addiction issues usually have an underlying reason as to why they are addicts as it’s all self medication from my experience with working with people that are substance abusers. Do you think he would be willing to undergo treatment ?

If you really love this man then treatment and a last chance may be in order but it’s a last chance solution.

"Should I be ok with this as long as it's not around the kids?"
You know how you feel about it and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's. If you do not like it at all then that is fine. Do not let others tell you how you should feel about it.

Your DH has already experienced MH issues as a result of Cannabis which will probably get worse if he continues its use. He clearly cannot stop and it is impacting negatively on your relationship and financial situation. I would not be able to tolerate the lies about it. Unless he was prepared to at least talk about it, I would bin him.

(I don't know how you aren't aware of him using it regularly though. If someone walks past me in the street I can smell if they smoke weed. It's such a strong stench).

I never thought I’d ever tolerate it. Then I married a smoker and honestly, breaking that boundary is one of the stupidest mistakes I’ve made. Each person has their own interior boundary regarding this stuff. Some people like it and some don’t. It’s personal but from experience I would say do not keep breaking your personal boundary. In my case it’s led to resentment, bitterness, depression and self esteem/confidence issues. I used to love my life before I married this man. I’m not experienced or equipped to keep having drug related arguments in my life and it’s broken me as a person. Stand up for what you want. You don’t have to tolerate it even if a thousand other people would.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this so what is it?.

Lying is also corrosive to a relationship quite apart from his addiction here. Even if he does not smoke around the children, they still see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him. It was and remains a big deal to him and perhaps you thought too that marriage and children would make him want to quit altogether. His primary relationship is with cannabis, its not with you.

Your feelings are valid here and if you do not like this then that is fine.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Look up Nar-Anon for people affected by drug users. He's an addict and you need to learn how to cope with that. Nar-Anon will help you.

Addicts lie and put themselves and their addiction first. You are not over reacting in any way.

If it's possible, get him out of your home. Though can not have a stable, loving, supportive, adult relationship with an addict. It's impossible.

You, not though!