Help me get through first couple of post breakup weeks

[PhoenixMama]

Yesterday my bf of 19 months and I decided to take a break. Definitely a case of right person, wrong time. He was, hands down one of the nicest men I've ever been with & it was one of the healthiest relationships I've had in a long time. (I'd had 5 years of shit relationships before this.)

I'm just so so sad. I really thought we were going to grow old together. He was my best friend. I have to tell DD, I have to get through the next couple weeks and I just don't know how to do it. How do I get through this?

Be kind to yourself, take time to heal and cry. Try to keep busy to keep yourself distracted. It’s shit I know, but you will get through this.

Thanks @Yeti. I had to tell DD today which sucked. The worst thing is she asked if it was fixable and I really don't know. Plus 2 things happened today (one bad, one good) that he would have been the first person I would have told. Ugh. Hate that time is the only fix!

I feel your pain. I've split up with my partner after he sent a "Lets just be friends" message, didn't say it to my face because he didn't want to see me upset! Since then he's messaged every day up until today. I challenged him on his friendship with a girl from.running club who just happens to keep posting pictures of them on facebook. I'm trying to keep really busy & am trying not to be alone. Not sure what the answer is. I know it hurts, especially when you thought they were perfect.
Hope you feel better soon x

@joy69 I'm so sorry to hear that. That's truly awful behaviour on his part. I hope you know (or at least will come to see) you deserve so much better.

Messaging is a killer. I'm thinking of starting a document on my phone where I can put all the things I would message him so at least I go through the motions of messaging. I don't know. It's so bloody hard.

Thanks PhoenixMama in time we'll look back on this & wonder why bothered with them in the first place x

Why is it the right person wrong time? What makes it the wrong time?

@winter When we met his divorce was sorted but he'd only moved out of the family home a few weeks before (they were living on separate floors of the house previously while sitting assets). It's all down to his kids, so he was worried about introducing me too soon, which I got but it started to get on & on. Last year he agreed to tell them at the end of the summer & also suggested we move in together in his area the following summer (ie this summer), which I was thrilled at. To make a long story short, he didn't tell them till Dec 31st, then they had a wobble in Jan & I had to call off living together (its complicated with my dd being in Yr6 next year so we would need to be sorted for admissions). I wasn't sure then how we'd move beyond that but we seemed to but nothing changed with the kids, and more importantly, he didn't make any plans for it to change. On Friday he messed up plans and, once again, if the kids had known about us it would have been simple, but it just highlighted that the problem isn't going to go away. He's a lovely guy and if he can sort out his thoughts and feelings about the kids knowing he's in a relationship in a way for us to have a relationship, then I'd be with him in a heartbeat. But after 19 months if they don't know anything & he's hiding me & "sneaking out" to call me that looks unlikely.

Sorry that was an essay.

How old are his kids? Bit confused as I thought he’d told them on December 31st? I’m sorry, it must be difficult for you and your dd. :(

Sorry to hear OP, it sounds really difficult.

I personally think everyone, on exiting a serious relationship/marriage, should be single for a minimum of a year. Its recovery time. It's "working out what I actually want" time.

Can you verbalize what you want, for you and your DD?

@Furious I totally agree with you on the forced single time lol, I've generally done it myself and it makes such a difference. I think he just thought he'd try dating for social company and never expected we'd fall for each other.

I suppose what I really wanted for me and DD was that sense of family I thought we could have (and that he offered). Breaks my heart to say that really, but I don't have any family in the UK and the idea of a loving partner and a house full of children, was what I thought we were going to have. (I know stepfamilies aren't always easy - my sister raised 3 stepchildren, but I'm a warm loving person so figured there would be enough to go around.) He had become my best friend and was wonderful company and I fancied him so I figured that was a good mix lol. I'm good at being friends with my exes, so I suppose worst case scenario we'll have that. DD's father and I have been apart for 8 years and I've been single most of that, so I also hoped my single days were over! God I hate dating!

@Winter His kids are 12 & 10. He told them on NYEt that he was seeing someone (at which point we'd been together for 14.5 months) but he didn't tell them about DD or anything really about me. When he mentioned them meeting me in Jan they pushed back (very normal kid questions) and he freaked out completely, which is when we called off living together this summer. (I thought it was unfair to them and to some degree his ex, them suddenly living with us on their days with him, without them getting to know us, I wouldn't have wanted that for my child so it didn't seem fair to expect it of his). Problem is 5 months later and they still didn't know about DD and there were no plans to move things forwards.

I guess in the end I felt like the mistress who is dating a married man who keeps saying he was going to leave his wife but never does. Hopefully he has some time away and realises there's a Phoenix shaped hole in his life and he needs to put a plan into action to fix that, but at this point I can't hold my breath.

This is the problem sometimes guys will take what they can get and keep dangling the possibility of a future without actually meaning it. When come to the ultimatum of you being public or him losing you it does look like he has chosen to lose you. What you need to do now is stay strong and really test if he misses you if you are out of his life. Don't message etc and let him see what it's like to properly lose you.

I understand about not wanting kids to get hurt in the process, but time has passed and he has also messed you around a lot with many broken promises. Don't waste your life on someone who isn't pulling out all the stops to be with you. You can have that family unit that you crave so much and if he isn't willing enough to go public with you now, then you need to let him go and find someone that will.

You can have exactly what you want with someone, as long as you don't wait around tolerating half arsed behaviour from guys who don't fully want you. The longer you waste on the wrong guy is the longer you're not meeting the right one.

It's tough, trust me I've just had to walk away from a guy who promised me a future and everything I wanted but he was cheating the whole time. I'm back to square one too, but I have faith I'll find what I want as long as I stay proactive and willing to not settle for less.

You sound so positive @justkeep I hope I can get there. This linereally got me 'The longer you waste on the wrong guy is the longer you're not meeting the right one. That's what I have to keep in mind!