Moving on from broken trust

[Piggy22]

Evening, I wanted to post this to see if I could get some impartial views, so thank you for taking the time to read this.

Me and DH got married 9 months ago and have been together 7 years. We have always had arguments about silly stuff which would escalate as we are both quite fiery and stubborn, but we always sort it out. A couple of months after getting married DH went on a night out with a few friends and left earlier than he had planned. I asked him why are you leaving so early and he said he was meeting some of the guys earlier as they had travelled into town and had to get back earlier etc. I though fine and nothing more of it. He then comes in very late and very drunk in a terrible state and admits to me that he had met up with his ex girlfriend. As a bit of background, they were in a very long term relationship from teenagers but he ended the relationship a few years before we met. She didn’t want the relationship to end at the time but went on to settle down with someone else. When my DH and I met they had some contact and when she saw photos of me on social media, she got in contact with DH to ask about me, how old I was, how we met, if it was serious etc. I found this odd as she had a young child with her new partner at this time. After admitting he had met up with her that night, he explained that she had asked to meet him as her father had recently passed away and had to talk to him urgently about it. When her father died she actually contacted DHs sister to ask if she could contact him to tell him. She explained that her father had been asking for DH when he was about to pass.

DH explained that she met up with him to just talk about the fact that his death was going to be investigated because he may of had exposure to asbestos, and they weren’t sure where from but he could of come into contact with the same source.

I was so hurt that DH had lied to me and gone behind my back and hadn’t been honest with me. I thought I could trust him 100% and this completely threw me. I couldn’t believe he had lied to me about where he was going and that he went behind my back. A few months on and I still feel devastated by it to the point where I’m questioning my entire future with him.

I know deep down he is a good man but I’m finding it so hard to move on from this. Just wondered if anyone had any advice?

Lying is rarely a positive in a relationship.
Why did he lie? I'd be worried that he has feelings for her which he didn't want to admit to you. His allegiance should be to you, not an ex. No wonder you're devastated

What's his sister had to say about all of this? She must have known and has said nothing to you?
I don't think it's on at all. He's not very loyal is he, it's like she clicks her fingers and he goes running to her.
How is the marriage other than this issue? Are there any other red flags at all?

Thanks for your responses.

Rumred his explanation is that he didn’t want to hurt me, because he know it would upset me. Which angered me when he said that because it’s so bloody obvious. He has explained he definitely doesn’t have feelings for her and that he ended the relationship and didn’t want to be with her.

His sister didn’t say anything to me and she’s fiercely loyal to her brother (he can do no wrong). We almost fell out afterwards as she told me I was out of order for telling my mum and making him look bad. You can imagine how angered I was after that!

In terms of other red flags girlwithadragontattoo. Our marriage has been difficult since it happened but otherwise in our relationship we are very close although we argue more than I would like.

I would struggle to move on from his LIES too OP.

Look - it’s not great that he didn’t feel he could tell you before seeing her. But it’s totally understandable.
And he told you immediately after.
Not like you ‘caught’ him.
In the grand scheme of things this is really minor and forgivable. If you want the relationship to continue that is.

You do sound like you have some lingering insecurities related to her. And I am not sure why.
He left her. He chose NOT TO BE with her prior to you.
If he thought he made a mistake - he’d have come back to her before he met you.
He didn’t.
But he knows you are sensitive and insecure about her. And as per human nature - he tried to minimise conflict by not telling you immediately prior to seeing her. As I said - understandable and forgivable.
It’s up to you where this relationship goes at this point.

it's her continued attempts of contact through his friends and family that would leave me feeling unhappy, it's really not appropriate.

MMmomDD your stance is where I wish I could get my thinking to, but I am just struggling to get there. I am a very sensitive person and I do think this hits me harder than others perhaps.

I know BumbleBee, and I think what I find difficult is that she’s reaching out to him on her father dying when they hadn’t spoken for years. She also lied to her DH about meeting up with my DH, which I thought was cruel given he would have been grieving too.

But he didn't admit to it strait away thought did he!

He told her he was meeting friends later and was going to be back later, but this changed as the friends had to get back, so the plans were happening and finishing earlier.
He then came home very late and very drunk. He didn't admit to anything, the op probably knew and he knew he had to admit where he was.
Going by your time line OP they've not been together for at least 9-10 years. There's no children involved and both are now married to different people. I find it very odd that she first chose to contact his family (sounds to me like she was trying to sound out the sister/family regarding contact) and then chose to contact him.
I'd be livid. What happens when the mother dies, is she going to click her fingers again? What if she starts having DH problems. Is she going to run to him for support?
Would you have been so upset if he's been honest from the start op? Would you have given him your blessing to meet her?

BumbleBeee69
I completely agree with you

Girlwithadragontatoo as far as I am aware they hadn’t spoke for years before this. I did wonder if us getting married triggered her getting in touch as they split up because he didn’t want to marry her. I thought if you thought DH was that fond of your father why didn’t you tell him before the funeral, but she waited until after and now keeps ‘updating’ him as to the status of the investigation into his death.

No if he had been honest from the start then I of course wouldn’t of liked it but would have said well if she must speak to your urgently because your own health is at risk and she must speak to you face to face, then let’s all sit down I.e. me, you, her and her husband and talk about it like adults.

It's a shame her dad died and i can understand if he still had some kind of relationship with him, but he doesn't. And your right, why not invite him to the funeral?!
If he'd of spoken to you about it without lying then it would have been different. If he can lie about this then what's to stop him from doing it in the future because he knows you won't like it.
Sounds very immature of me but sometimes i think for some people to see how hurtful their actions are they need a taste of their own medicine. I'm sure if the show was on the other foot he'd had quite a lot to stay about you sneaking off and getting shitfaced with an ex.
As an older sister to 2 younger brothers (10 and 13 years difference) who are my world, if an ex had got in contact I'd have bloody well put her strait and told him what an idiot he'd have been.

The problem with liars is that you never know what is true with them. What other lies has he told you... Everytime he does something he doesn't normally do, you'll be wondering, is he lying again. Liars lie and will then blame you for not trusting them.

It's your life to choose how you spend it.

I wouldn't be at all happy about his ex hovering around.
Surely her 'go to' person should be her own partner, not yours?

Thanks for your replies.

I agree oldandwornout, I feel sorry for her DH because she lied to him to and I wouldn’t wish anyone to feel like I do. I do know in the early stages of her relationship with her now husband she told my DH that if he wanted her back she would leave him. So I’ve always been insecure about her and she just can’t seem to let it go.

Deep down I don’t want this to ruin my marriage and I want to move on. I flip flop from thinking he’s a good man, this is a one off to if he’s a liar and I can’t trust him and so what will my life be like. It’s so very difficult and I just wish I could turn a corner with it.

It would be nice to be assured enough not to worry at all.
(But I would!)
I would probably insist that any more meetings between them included me.

You have a dh problem. I would insist he block her and have nothing to do with her. He needs to work to earn your trust again.
He must also know this is his last chance.

Her father's death is being investigated because of exposure to asbestos. Your H may also been exposed to the same source. It would have been better if he hadn't lied to you but I can understand why he came home so drunk.

Has he seen his GP to discuss the possible risks?

Sorry, but why did this important, heartfelt talk about her dead father end up with anyone becoming roaring drunk?

Sounds more like a catch-up ‘for old times’ sake’, with lots of false details thrown in to try and make it look like something else. It was pre-planned, there was lying before, during and afterwards to both their partners.

There’s a lot to get over- not sure if I could. Blocking her would be the absolute first step, and he should have done it without being asked. I’d certainly go to couples counseling over this one, so he can really understand how serious what he’s done is, and what he risked by being so immature and sneaky. That trust is not easy or quick to rebuild, and he’d better put his back into it while there’s still a chance.