Family member potentially very ill, struggling because I don't feel the right things

[NCforalltheobviousreasons]

It's my mother's partner. He's been around for a long time but he's a bastard. For a long time after he and my mother got together, he behaved in very sleazy ways towards me behind her back. I was an adult but I was too scared to say anything because I didn't know if my mother would believe me. With hindsight, he was very manipulative about it (e.g. I tried to arrange it so I was never alone with him, but he went to my mother and complained about being hurt that her kids never wanted to spend time with him unless she was around too). Everyone else in my family thinks he's a great guy. He's done some other shitty stuff (going a few years back, he pretty much harassed his female boss because they had a dispute over sick leave, e.g. slitting her tyres and gaslighting her by hiding her stuff, but my mother has always played it down).

Anyway, I don't want anything bad to happen to him because I don't want my other family members to be sad. And it's way too late in the day for me to make any big revelations. But I'm worried that, if something bad happens to him, this will be the end of my relationship with my DM, because I'm not going to be able to fake the level of sadness and grief that she'll want from me. I'll do anything in practical terms to make things less difficult for her, but I'm a shitty actress.

You won't have to act being sad for her sake, and caring about her. You might have issues with your relationship though, if you are holding onto any anger that she hasn't admitted or realised what sort of person he's been all these years.

Think of it like you are sad that someone you love is sad. You mum is upset so you are upset for her.

You don’t have to be sad about him.

You don't have to feel the 'right things' for someone you neither like not respect. Be there for your mum, show her you love her, be sad for her. And don't feel bad for not liking the guy.

Thank you, peekaboo. That's a really perceptive comment. I don't think I'm angry with her. Baffled, maybe, because she's a smart woman who has always been desperately gullible about men, and I've felt like the parent in some ways since I was fifteen (when I heard her talk about her married then-boyfriend and thought "yeah, of course he and his wife are basically separated and don't have sex and he just can't leave because blah blah blah" ).

But that's my issue. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get a some counselling so I can put this all to bed, because I need to be strong for everything else.

And thanks everyone else too! It's true that I definitely won't need to fake sadness for the rest of my family. For starters, my teeny DD adores him and the thought of seeing her experience grief for the first time makes me feel sick.

Unless your family are really into public displays of grief you'll be able to fly under the radar with statements like 'I'm so sad for you' and comments about just being there for your mum and not wanting to upset her by her seeing you upset, preferring to keep your grief private etc. You don't have to gloat!

My mother was a nasty alcoholic and I felt nothing but relief when she died. My DF was a little bit upset though so I wasn't dancing around the room in front of him. The only time it was an issue was when the vicar came to talk to us about the eulogy and wanted me to say something nice about her. I couldn't, the silence was getting awkward and bless her the vicar said something very nice about everyone seeing different sides of people and moved us all on. The funeral was full of people who knew exactly what she was like but were there in support rather than grief.

Thanks, GarthFunkel. To be honest, I'm expecting a little bit of lashing out from my mother, because she can be like that when she's upset, and because she's always been very eager to push the idea of him being my "father" , even though we met as adults and I'm still in touch with my biological father (for all his faults). But I'm going to have to take it on the chin.

I'm sorry that your mother was such an unpleasant person.

You poor woman. How simply awful.
He sounds like slime. I wouldn't waste one moment of your life feeling bad about a creep like him dying. Absolute slime.
Expressions of "feeling sad that you are sad"etc is the most you try for.
Honestly, get counseling. Your mother sounds like an absolute failure as a mother and in complete denial about the sleeze bag she married. I wouldn't be too concerned about her.
You need to mind you. She's well able to take care of herself.
Best of luck, you sound like a very astute woman.