How do I change this?

[TheBlueHen]

I've noticed how I am everyone else's sounding board.

Over the last few months I have dealt with so many people just messaging me with all their problems and woes. I agree to meet up or phone them thinking I can be a support, which I know I am, but it's literally just hours of me listening to their problems. I met with someone today who is having a tough time with her husband and after a 3 hour "chat" she says she will have to make up some lies to her husband about what we've talked about. This is because she literally didn't ask me a thing. I come home, she texts me with horrible things her husband has said about me. My friend then texts me telling me how terrible her husband is having ignored my previous message to her three days ago.

There's lots that's been going on with others too and it's getting me down. I take on everyone else's problems and am starting to feel that all my close friends and family are just draining me.

I honestly don't know how to deal with it. I want to be a support but it's taking a lot of my energy.

Anyone?

Sorry no one answered - this is a tough situation. I think people get used to you being the strong one, and therefore have no real desire to be aware or considerate of your feelings when they are feeling needy. That can be draining. I think you need to create some boundaries because most people will take as much as you're prepared to give. Maybe just give less!!!

Stop being everyone's sympathetic ear.

Hi
I would start putting boundaries in.
Start by delaying replies. Then answering with short replies.
I've lost out on a few friendships,because I realised too that I was only their convenience, and started doing the above and including not answering the door to one friend. My life is less dramatic now though. good luck!

It's hard. This is me too. And I don't begrudge them needing to offload but I generally don't talk about my problems until they are very bad. I suppose I seem strong and dependable. It's draining though

Start charging for counselling! 3hrs is pretty epic.

I feel your pain, OP.

I've lost two very close friendships recently because I just couldn't be that person anymore.

One, I wouldn't hear from her for weeks on end. She'd ignore my ordinary messages and would only reply or get in contact if she wanted to talk about her latest crisis (of which there were many - parents, children, partner...). I told her that I missed just having fun with her, light hearted chats, laughing and she told me that I was being selfish and immature and that it is quite normal for good friends to go for weeks or even months without any contact. She said that friends were people who would be there for you in a crisis. I agreed but said that the 'friendship' needed to be maintained also so that people wanted to be there for you!

In the end, I lost it and just couldn't cope with another of one of the increasingly and vanishingly rare enjoyable social get togethers becoming dominated by her woes.

The other one did want to see me socially as well as for support but became so needy that, if I chose to spend time with another friend instead of him, he would experience huge abandonment anxiety and could be quite cruel. Even if I'd already seen him that week and hadn't seen the other friend for maybe 6 months.

I just found it completely draining and it meant that I wasn't nuturing myself or my own life. Last year was particularly bad and when I now look back and realise just how much time I spent neglecting myself and my own shit in favour of supporting them through theirs, I feel quite cross at myself for putting up with it and them for expecting it.

If you want to keep the friendships, I'd say it's very important to put boundaries in place - don't always be available or set time limits on the availability you do have. It won't be easy and you might lose some of these 'friends' in the process but you need to look after yourself too.

Start charging for counselling! 3hrs is pretty epic.

I can recall a number of 4hr+ phone conversations with the one friend. The longest, I believe, was 6 hours - I managed to go shopping, do some weeding, make lunch and have a bath in the duration of the call!

Thank you. I will have a think about my boundaries and how to change them.

I know I need to change them but I think I'm actually pretty useless at working out how to do it!