Is it okay to leave abuser with no money at all?

[Lopaduna9]

Hello,
I am desperate to leave my abusive partner but I am feeling trapped! He is abusive, extremely angry and also a gambler. Now he has gambled away all his money and lost his job, so I am forced to pay everything for us both! I just want to pack a bag one day and leave where he cannot find me. My partner constantly shouts at me for nothing and blames me for all the bad things that are happening in his life, a few times he threatened to beat me up... also he has stolen from me 5 times to fund his habit... i cannot stand it anymore, so i have to go, but how can I do it when he is always at home now? I am a foreigner here and do not have a family or friends nearby who could take me away from our home... he is also a foreigner and has no family here, so if I leave him like that, he will be unable to buy a ticket home or even food as he wasted everything away. Would it still be reasonable to dump him regardless or should I wait for his job offer?
Also, even though we are from two different countries, I am scared that he will find my family address and later take revenge on me. This is what is stopping me from going as well.
What to do?
Plus, I have seen many warnings for gamblers' partners on UK websites to watch out for loans taken out in their names. I know he could do it just to cause damage to me. But do you know how it is possible to get a credit in someones elses name? Of course I am gonna take my passport with me, so how could he screw me up then?
Waiting for some good advice... i am feeling like in prison...

While you stay with him, you're enabling him. I'm sure that if you leave him, he will find a way to support himself.

Are you joint tenants, whose name is your home under? You're not married?

The answer to your question is yes. It's perfectly OK. He chose to abuse. You choose to leave him. He brought this on himself. Don't think twice. Leave.

No, we only rent a room with no written agreement and no bills in our names... we are not married nor have kids... so I can just leave, but dont know if i should let him literally starve... all his friends and relatives had enough of his manipulations, so they probably will not help him and he will end up living in a park... but I want to break free!

Yes leave, he is horrible to you, you have funded him so far but you need to put yourself first and get out.

While ever you keep enabling him to gamble by paying for everything then he will continue to do so.

Hide any documents with your families details on before you go if you are worried.

If he doesn't even have the money to pay the rent, then he won't have the money to hunt down your family overseas. Does he have an address for them? Has he met them in their home? Do they have a distinctive name? Would you go back there?

And what about taking loans in my name in case he wants to do it? I heard many stories about people in the UK being screwed up like this. Can you get a credit with no passport, just entering person's details?

I would definitely leave but I think I'd speak to the police beforehand to ask what could be done about him taking a debt out in your name.

Yes please leave. You owe him nothing.

Why you worrying about him being fed. Swap it around would he care about you starving. Prob not. Look after yourself, you owe him nothing. All you are doing is giving yourself another excuse not to leave. Be strong enough to say no, today I'm going to start a new life away from you. He will not get revenge on your family. They are in a diff country. Don't let it stop you leaving, because if you stay it will get worse, alot worse!

Lopaduna if you can do it safely you could
check your credit file to make sure there’s nothing in your name already. I’d have thought if you don’t have bills in your name or a mortgage then your credit status might be quite low and maybe he’d struggle getting credit in your name. That would be with a reputable lender. If he’s desperate for cash he might be involved with illegal money lenders and dodgy people.

My partner has had a gambling problem most of our relationship so I fully understand what you are gong through.
Many times we have had to live off of my income only as he has gambled his with in hours of being paid.
To answer your question, yes you can leave him with nothing and you should not feel guilty. He has put him self in that position, not you.
I know this is easier said than done, everyone I have left my DP I have taken him back because of how guilty He made me feel.
Gamcare offer counselling for him and for yourself and your family if you want it. Gamstop blocks all online accounts for you. They may be worth looking into. But as I have realised, he has to want to stop him self or all your efforts will be pointless I am afraid. My inbox is always open you, it's a truly awful thing to go through

Hi Lopaduna, I know exactly how torn you feel — my (frankly psychopathic) ex has been homeless since I finally had enough of his lies, addictions, financial chaos etc and threw him out of my house. He is estranged from his family (for the same reasons as yours), no credit, no assets and moves jobs regularly. He has been living in his van for the past two months, since he got into arrears on the rented room I found for him when he left.

I was stupid enough to lend him money several times after we split up, to the tune of about 2k. He knows how to press the sympathy buttons, all right. In six months, I’ve not had a penny back, just pleading, begging and temper tantrums asking for more. And debt collectors banging on MY door looking for him!

I stopped helping him in any respect (no loan of my car, no cash, no food out of my cupboards when he hadn’t eaten for days) about three months ago. I don’t contact him, and if I see him by chance I’m civil but totally Grey Rock. I learnt that technique via MN; I’d never heard of it before but believe me it will stand you in good stead when dealing with situations like this!

People like these two men will not change. I am one in a long line of “victims” that my ex has conned and hung out to dry — don’t become one yourself. Check Experian or similar for your credit rating and keep a close eye on any post that comes to the house. Make sure all your personal and financial documents are kept safe and away from him while you sort out where to go...because you must go. This will not get any better, only worse. And I would suggest not discussing this with him until you have a plan in place — he will not be happy that his “supply” is being cut off, and will veer from heartbroken decalarations of love and all that “I will change” nonsense to downright nastiness (or worse).

Get your thoughts and your stuff sorted, then go and live a peaceful, independent life without this parasite. If you’re at all worried, whether it be for your personal or financial safety, contact the police and/or your bank or Citizens Advice for help and guidance. He is a grown man, an adult — He Is Not Your Responsibilty. Repeat that to yourself whenever you feel sorry for him! Good luck.

Leave. You are not responsible for him.
As soon as you can afterwards change ALL your passwords on any websites you use and especially anything financial. Take any paperwork with you and get any post redirected ASAP- via Royal Mail.
Then apply for protective registration. Protective registration is a service provided by Cifas which flags up your name and personal details in its National Fraud Database. www.cifas.org.uk/ It will cost you £25 for 2 years, and it means that they do extra checks there are any applications for credit /loans etc in your name. If you do apply for credit it will take longer to progress but it worth it in your circumstances.

When I left my abusive ex I paid my part for the following 6 weeks rent and figured that left him with a bit of time to work out what he wanted to do. I didn’t feel I owed him that to be honest but we had a joint tenancy and I was advised to do that and give notice to the landlord on my own behalf

He's an adult, not a child or a puppy, he can find his own way to feed himself. Run!

Yeah leave fuck him. Not your problem

Contact womens aid in your area. They can help you with accommodation, money, bills, transport clothes food, whatever you need! You can also contact council directly about housing.
Don’t stay. Please don’t stay.
You are not his mother or his career.
All the suggestions about passwords and paperwork etc are good ones. Plan your exit quietly, get all your paperwork plus passport out and away from him first, put it a locker at the train or bus station if you
have to.
Then arrange your exit with women’s aid for a certain day and time without saying anything. It’s hard to detach from the drama, but that’s what they want!
Don’t stay. PLEASE dont stay xx

Sorry posted too soon.....
Womensaid.org.uk. Loads of info on there for you in your area, and the search is invisible.
He’s not worried about leaving you with nothing!
Book a doctors appointment for ‘ladies problems’ a smear....whatever he wouldn’t go with you. Tell the dr and the surgery why, and they can also help you.
Good luck xx

Thank you for your advice!
Of course I will leave, just I would prefer to do it when he is not around. He never beat me, but I am afraid he could do it if he realises that our relationship is over... especially that he has nobody to turn to, his family are cold towards him now.
He has never been at my parents home and has no address... but he mentioned he could bribe the authorities in my country, trace me and hurt my family... this is why I am scared, as he has connections with dodgy people... recently I found out he was in prison 5 years ago for robbery. He got involved into it just to get funds for gambling...