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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dealing with anxiety/insecurities in new LDR?

23 replies

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 11:46

I have been LDR with current bf for almost 3 weeks. At his suggestion we have Skype quite frequently and messaged every day since he left. I now haven't heard from him since Fri night and I'm feeling so anxious about it as I've seen him online several times.

In my last LDR the guy cheated but I'm determined to not become paranoid over it. Occasionally I don't reply to him for a day or 2 but usually when the conversation ends naturally. Whereas I had asked him something specifically.

Our communication has been great up til now and I want to continue that while not being left wondering when I'll next hear from him. Any tips?

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 12/05/2019 12:09

Ask him?

Did you get my message? Haven’t heard from you, everything alright?

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 12:10

I know he's got the message (that I sent yesterday) because he's read it on whatsapp and he's been online today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 12:13

It's also strange because I was telling him I'd got the job after my interview. Seems like cause for congratulations?

Anyway I'm working myself up which is useless for LDR

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 12/05/2019 12:33

Have you tried actually ringing him on the phone?

Is there a reason you don't date locally?

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 12:38

We've been dating locally. He moved abroad recently for work and has asked me to go too. The plan is to visit him next month first.

Well we arrange to Skype twice a week and are usually in touch every day. Are my expectations out of wack to expect a prompt-ish reply?

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 13:12

I'm.basically trying to work out if I'm justified in feeling ignored after a day when he's often online or if I really need to work on my anxiety and not expect every day contact.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 12/05/2019 13:30

Could it be that this new job means no chance you'll move with him now and he thought this might be an option?

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 13:36

The new job is for a month only.

We last skyped on Wed. During the call he was talking about all the reasons I should move there, which I am open to. The job I have accepted is for one month only in a summer school and he seemed genuinely excited for me.

Honestly I'm upset that he hasn't been in touch to congratulate me or even ask how my weekend is going. I know he's trying to establish a new life abroad and very busy, but he's wilfully not replying at this stage imo.

OP posts:

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 14:27

I agree his behaviour sounds like willingly not replying rather than anything else. And a change of pattern. I'd be put out too.

I might be over simplifying but can't you just address it with him?

IMO surely if you're serious enough to be in an exclusive long term relationship you should absolutely be comfortable getting in touch to ask if all is ok?

Hope it turns out well for you either way whether solo or as a duo

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/05/2019 14:29

Sorry pressed post too soon, meant to say...

IMO surely if you're serious enough to be in an exclusive long term relationship and even discussing moving there to be with him, you should absolutely be comfortable getting in touch to ask if all is ok?

Ps not congratulating you on the a new job is rude regardless!

Ragwort · 12/05/2019 14:31

If you’ve only been dating for ‘almost’ three weeks and he’s already moved abroad just how serious do you expect to be? Are you in an ‘exclusive’ relationship?
If it was me I would be out and about exploring the area, working hard at my new job and making new friends.

Ragwort · 12/05/2019 14:33

Or have I misunderstood in that he is an existing boyfriend who moved abroad three weeks ago? In which case, how long were you dating before that?

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 14:41

We started dating back in October. We broke it off briefly when we were mutually unsure about going LDR. But as time passed we realised we were in love and wanted to try.

But since we got back together he's been acting very committed. He consistently planned dates and called every day. Then since he moved 3 weeks ago he's been in consistent contact daily and always Skypes me during the week. Our last call lasted for an hour and we had a lovely chat.

Well I agree Ragwort - he should be out exploring and making new friends. But right now I feel a little out of sight, out of mind and I'm worried he's changed his mind about things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 14:41

But, for example, I've got no idea what he's doing this weekend. I feel disconnected.

OP posts:

problem1234567 · 12/05/2019 15:01

My relationship ended yesterday. The first indicator that there was 'trouble' was that he started not reading my Whatsapp messages. That had never happened to me with him before.

So it might be nothing but I get why you'd be concerned.

KatDubs261 · 12/05/2019 15:10

I'm not sure if I have a double standard.

For example, last weekend I spoke to him on Friday briefly then wasn't in touch all day Sat as I told him I'd be out of town all day and we had a Skype set up Sun anyway. Another day recently I wasn't in touch because I was holed up working on a project all day. But I always tell him when that's going to happen. He never does, just goes quiet!

MIA12 · 12/05/2019 15:51

Change in a pattern of communication is almost always a bad sign IMO. I’d prepare for the worst OP.

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 16:48

I do feel upset. What can have changed between our last call and now?

If I haven't heard from him by tonight I will contact him tomorrow and ask what's up. All I can think is either he's taking space or having his head turned by the idea of being single in his new city after all. Quick change if so.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 12/05/2019 16:59

Would it be clingy to just ask him today if something is up? It could be anxiety but I have a bad feeling...

OP posts:

KatDubs261 · 12/05/2019 18:50

I asked him what was up - he replied saying he was so sorry that he'd completely forgotten to respond and then started chatting like normal.

Not a great sign imo? It's been three weeks and it's already out of sight out of mind?

KatDubs261 · 12/05/2019 19:00

Oh I am outed with my two profiles :) never mind. I have good reasons for making a new one but whatever.

He says he is feeling depressed because his search for a home is not working out. I am going to tell him ok, but not communicating is perturbing to me.

MIA12 · 12/05/2019 20:45

Listen to your gut IMO. It takes two seconds to send a text. When someone wants to be in touch with you they always find time.

KatDubs261 · 12/05/2019 21:22

He's done this twice before. Both of those times was during a time when he felt depressed and he is on anti-depressants.

I agree that listening the to the gut is important. That's why this is SO surprising. He was in consistent contact until it suddenly just stopped. I had contacted him to ask how his house viewing went on the Friday night and he said he's been feeling depressed this weekend because it went really badly and he's giving up hope with it.

But still? Ignoring the woman you're seeing and have been in touch with all the time? what gives.

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