Leaving abusive relationship to set an example to the children

[MrsJamieFraser2]

I read this advice many times on various threads and I wonder what everyone thinks happens in the future, is the example set?

I left an abusive relationship almost 17 years ago, my son was still a baby and not quite 1 and my daughter was 5. My problem now is that they don't know what example I tried to set. I feel like I'm losing my son because he thinks his Dad is wonderful, he doesn't know all the shit I have had to put up with.

I feel like all the effort and upset and hard work I have put in to being the best mother I could be despite their father has almost been for nothing, because my son is probably the kind of person he would have become had I not left his father. He's lazy, rude, has moved to his Dads so I never see him and we always had such a good relationship.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this really, just to get some other stories I guess.

A) at least he got to make that choice himself and
B) you spared him the distress of living with abuse.

But it must be very painful for you

I worry one of mine will do the same.
But I still think it's been better for him to live away from the abuse.

I think the setting an example phrase only applies for older children.

It certainly did for me. I'd never put up with what my mum went through
First sign of it and I'd be off.

I think the one that applies here is putting your children first and protecting them. Which you did magnificently.

Children don't see the whole picture. Your son most likely wants to see his father through Rose tinted glasses. All he's wanted is to grow up with a father (even I wanted my parents to get back together despite knowing how awful it was and that things were better when they were apart. I think it's a natural thing to want when you're young)
All you can do is wait until he sees his true colours. He may even come to you with questions. All you can do is answer them as honestly as possible.

There is a way to do it. My mum answered all my questions in a remarkably neutral way. She never slagged my dad off, she just stated facts initially.

I'm so sorry you're going through this heartbreak. All you can do is tell your son you love him and that you'll always be there for him. Give it some time...

You ensured they didn't experience the abuse first hand OP, and you gave them a great childhood with a loving parent. Boys often reject their female parent (and other female role models) in their teens and early adulthood and it sounds as if that's what's happening here. But all those years of love and care will have had an impact. You did good.
{flowers]

It's difficult for children to reject their parents. Your son is young yet. You did the right thing.

@Oldstyle Is that right? That boys reject their female role models? I have worked so hard to try and make him into a good man, the antithesis to his father. But he's doing all he can to be just like him push me away completely.

It's heartbreaking.

It's a difficult age for kids and a lot are rude etc to their primary carers. Don't worry about it and be glad that you raised him in a loving environment.

I am glad I did, I bent over backwards for them both and put them first, whereas their father was more of a Disney dad.

It just feels it was all for nothing as I've lost him.

I think it's very unlikely that you've lost him. All that love and all those values will have had an impact. Male children in particular seem to need to separate themselves from mothers at this age - it's part of that shift from child to adult. My son went through something similar (although his dad wasn't around so I didn't have that additional frustration). He's now a father himself and our relationship is really good again. Hang on in there. Things will right themselves in a while.

Thank you everyone. I think I was just looking for some kind of validation.

I'm really struggling now when he asks me to do anything for him, in the 'can't have it both ways' situation. I want to do everything for him but part of me thinks that he's made his bed, he's made this decision, I'll be there when he needs me but I'm not going to do the running around for him.

I'm going to try and be patient and wait for the dust to settle.

That sounds very painful for you.
Maybe he needs to mature to realise how much you have done for him.
However, having respect for yourself now is very important.
Do not allow your son to disrespect you.
He's moved out. His choice.
Insist he speaks and treats you with respect. If he doesn't, take a big step back and tell him why.
Tell him you will be there for him when he is ready to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Good luck, you sound like a wonderful mother.

billy1966 Thank you, that's lovely. It was all going so well until a year ago and then it just derailed.

He is lovely (when he wants to be/needs something), I am proud of him, I just don't like who he is at the moment because he's uncomfortably like his Dad.

But you haven't sacraficed your soul for your bastard h.

Even though he doesn’t live with his dad he has taught him about being a man

I am now looking at my boys and wondering when I cut the cord with their EA dad as the cracks are showing

I hope your son comes back eventually . In the meantime you should be quietly assertive and take and make some time for yourself . I can imagine what a bitter blow it is parenting is hard hard hard

But you still are better off as you are and well bloody done

I can understand why you're hurt. My guess is as he's a boy he is looking for some male role modelling and, rightly or wrongly, may feel he has missed out on something. I'm sure you won't lose him.
Make sure you keep in contact, tell him what you're up to and message him goodnight etc - even if he doesn't respond he will appreciate it.

Oh MrsJamie please don't write your son off; he's eighteen ?
I won't go into detail, but I went through the same with my son at the same age.
His dad and I were together, a good marriage and his dad one of the kindest, gentlest men I know. And still our son turned into a complete stranger almost overnight.
It was an awful, awful time.
But it passed eventually and the son we knew and loved is back.
I hope it works out for you both.
(I've name changed for this post).

@StoneColdOld I'm not writing him off, I just really don't know what I've done and he is developing so many of his father's traits it almost makes me feel what was the point?

I know I've provided a safe and happy (ish) environment for them despite their Dad continuing to try and break me. But I'm just not sure I like the man he is becoming...it's not the man I wanted him to be.

I see pictures of him as a child and just want to cry. He was the sweetest, loveliest boy. He's just not becoming a nice man.

. He has to be nice to his dad because his dad’s love is conditional
Even if he’s not showing it now he knows he will always have you and you will always be there for him.
Give it time he’ll be back.
I would also tell him in no uncertain terms what his dad was like. He is old enough now to hear it.

I hear you

If it's any comfort, I left an abusive marriage with my little kids. Much later, my DS decided he wanted to live with his father when he was 13. To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. It felt like everything I'd done was for naught and I was scared stiff of his father's influence on him. I saw him every weekend and bit my tongue over and over.
He moved back with me (again his choice) the month before he was 16. He's now an adult out of home. We are super close and ironically he doesn't have any contact with his father at all now. Not because of anything I said but because he worked everything out himself and didn't like what he realised.
Don't give up on your son. This could be phase and he will need you again

What llot5 said. Speak to your friends who have children with nice men. It's normal and all their anger and frustration is directed at the person or people they know love them unconditionally. So many become selfish, entitled, horrible brats but they do revert so please don't worry.

@Lllot5 Do you think? I've protected them from so much. I'm sure they possibly suspect but would never know the real reasons.

My son is going though mental health issues at the moment and is being seen by CAHMS (I'm aware this might be a drip feed but it wasn't intentional) and although I think he's probably playing on it a bit now I'm still reluctant to do anything to make him hurt himself.

You're right in saying that a Dads love is conditional. Especially his father.

I hear you too

@Mummaofmytribe That's a huge comfort, thank you for sharing.

I probably don't do myself any favours though. I do get frustrated with him and I don't bite my tongue. But I will try from now.

He's coming round shortly as we have an appointment regarding his future choices with a company called Adviza. He's currently been off school for a year and is at home doing nothing day in, day out. So will see how that goes.

When my son was 18 everything was all my fault. I split from my husband when my son was 18 and though he was never abusive directly to me, I would hear from my daughter that he talked a load of rubbish about only ever having fish fingers or ham sandwiches to eat and how I never helped them with anything.

I got him a council house when he was 18 (at that stage there was a glut of spare ones and they were advertising for tenants - how things change) as he had dropped out of his 'A' levels, was working at KFC and gambling all his wages away within 2 days of getting them.

At about 24, he got his head together, got a job for a company that paid for his HND and is now very settled, in a good job and earning good money.

I absolutely would tell him. He doesn’t need chapter and verse but I’d make it clear why I left with two small children. Must have been a compelling reason.
My eldest was similar to this when I split with my ex he was older late twenties, and all of a sudden they were best friends, going to the pub footie etc.
I was livid. But my ex is a cunt and he couldn’t hide it for long, trust your boy he’ll be back.