Do I expose the cheat?!

[GinIsHappiness]

I recently posted about finding out the father of my child was married. I can't stress enough how I didn't know he was, and I only found out very recently by chance. Anyway. I can't find the thread and had to make a new account.

So, I'm looking for advice really. I messaged his wife on Facebook, the message still hasn't delivered, and by the looks of it she's not very active anyway. He's blocked me on his main Facebook account so I can't see anything, but my friend isn't... and she had a look at his page. He's posting how much he loves his wife, him being all happy with his mates. Yet he can't be bothered to message about his son.

I've resisted every urge to even contact him regarding his child. I'll continue to do so.

My thing is, I want the wife to know, and I don't want another women to ever be on my situation with him. After I found out about his wife and kids, he denied it... then messaged a girl I know trying to chat her up. She did some digging and found he's spoken to so many women and there proof.

So, I've found his sister and his mum on Facebook, and I found her (the wife)sister and aunts. I don't want to be crazy, but i think they should all be made aware of what an absolute bastard he is, and that they have a nephew/grandchild they know nothing about. I feel like that's crazy, but I don't at the same time.

I know the high ground is the way forward but, I can't seem to drop it. He's gotten away with it and treating everyone like absolute crap. I could even out him on Facebook, but I can't bring myself to it because I'll be gutted when I see how many women he's done it to, but I want to make sure it doesn't happen again

He has this a horrible hold on me. I feel like if I do anything it'll come back and I'll get hell.

I'm stuck between what do do.
Do I say fuck it and forget it
Or so I go all out and be like right! This is it. You're going to be exposed for the cheating, narcissistic horrible man he is, and save so many more from him, and hope that (if the wife stays) it never happens to her again.

Help? Please? I feel crazy not doing anything is making me so anxious 🙃

Contact at the cms. Give his details. Let him explain to his dw when he gets their financial request.

I wouldn't. You may utterly humiliate his wife by doing it that way. Did you never know where he lived?

I should add CMS are already involved and we have that sorted. He's army and moves. So I used to know where but they've since moved - and I didn't know about her when I knew where he lived before x

Well she will know at some point. Cms send statements and it will show on his bank account.
Seriously, just enjoy your dc and leave them to it.

Awful situation. I'm sorry to confuse advice but I'd be feeling like you. Some men just need to come with a public health warning. If you were genuinely duped by this man and he's clearly at it again I just couldn't stand by and say nothing. It would upset me to think that his wife is potentially wasting her life following him around with his work while he just does as he pleases without any responsibility or thought for her health, sexual or mental. She may well be fully aware already but I can't imagine the fall out if she doesn't. She could be in an emotionally abusive situation with a gaslighter who makes her miserable. She may be sticking it out for whatever reason and be isolated. All this is speculation of course. I just couldn't not say something. Maybe a daft idea of the sisterhood sticking together. I just know that I'd want to know. Whatever you decide there'll be consequences at some point down the line. What a shitty situation OP 😔x

Tell his Mother and Sister they have a grandson and nephew, and they should feel free to stay in touch.

Hi op,

I have a friend in the same situation as you. She's just had a baby within the last week and was with a squaddie for a couple of years. When she found out she was having a baby that's when the truth all came out.
I'm gutted for her. She thought about doing the same thing as she wanted her to know, but i feel she was more being vindictive then actually wanting her to know as she was very hurt at the time.
I don't have any word of wisdom for you, i just understand a little about what your going through.

Think about a few things: do you want your child to have a reasonable relationship with him (If dad wants one), do you want his family involved in child's life really?, Do you just want to move on as drama free as possible?

I know your hurt and angry but it could cause great upset, his family may protect him and not be friendly or they could want in on your child's life and then you can't move on, also they speak to the dad about custody if they want in.

There's so many ways it could go, I know you want him to have pay back & his wife to know but will it play in favour in what a best for your child in the long run?

She may already know or not but if she does she's sticking by him if she doesn't he'll get caught one day and I'm sure he'll keep paying to keep things easy for him...this could be easier for you.

Lots to consider

What will you tell your child if they want to track him down in years to come? I think that it’s better for the wife to know earlier rather than later. These things have a way of coming out.

If I was his wife I def would want to know...perhaps she is in a situation whereby she is not that keen on him and in knowing about his cheating would give her the choice to decide what is best for her.....I would hate to find out years later when it was to late to leave and have a new start x.

If it were me, I’d keep quiet and live my life without the drama...but...my motive would be purely selfish and deprive my child of relationships with his paternal family.
On the other hand, if you tell them and they don’t want to know, you’ll feel hurt and your child grows up without them anyway.
If they are interested in getting to know your child, it could stir up trouble for his family and inconvenience you, but your child gets paternal grandparents.
Oh, this is a hard one. It seems lose, lose to me. What a bastard to have treated you this way!

Hi all thanks for the advice and replies...

I don't want to be with him, at all. I finally cut my feelings off when I was around 8 months pregnant; and then I just wanted him around for little one. (He's never met) he won't ever meet him and said if she knows then I've made is so my little on with never know his dad. It's a tact.

I don't in anyway want to be spiteful. I just want the truth known and my little to know his family. He will always know who his father is, and I'll never bring him up slating his dad.
He has to make that choice when he's old enough.

I know that it could go many ways
I could have a massive back lash and hate; but then my kid could know his other grandparents and aunties and such..... it's just a massive shitty situation.

Honestly nothing good will come of telling his family. Families more often than not close ranks and ongoing relationships will be almost impossible. The fallout from this bombshell will be immense and there are many innocents caught up in it. Just file the CMS claim, let them do their thing and walk away. It's sad for your child but a drama free life is always the better option.

Make your decision with your kid in mind. It's not so much about the wive having a right to know her husband is scum, or about him getting his comeuppance. To me it's more about your son having a right to know his family. And the family ( not just the father) having the right to know about him. They may reject him which would be horrible. But when your kid asks later you can say to him you never kept him a secret.

I am the child of a similar situation. My dad didn't tell my mum he was married and then when she dumped him he told her he was separated (he wasn't.) My mum left and raised me on her own but let him come visit when I was 13 (he stayed in a bnb, wasn't allowed in the house etc.)
Now I'm older and have children of my own I 110% think she did the right thing. Just move on and karma will do the rest. When I was older I got to know him and saw what she saw all those years ago. The only good thing was that I met my half sister and we get on well. She told me that our dad had loads of affairs and beat her mum a lot. I'm so glad and lucky that I got a calm, loving home life and family rather than what she went through. He doesn't deserve to know his son, and your child can ask about him when he's older. Don't get involved.
Oh and my dad is now alone, fat and living in a studio flat on jobseekers. Despite all those women, he couldn't treat one well enough to stick around and look after him.

Did you never meet his family or go to his house then? How long were you actually together?

Did you never meet his family or go to his house then?

from reading OP's original and subsequent posts, I would presume NO.