Promoted - changing dynamic of working relationship

[RapunzelsRealMom]

I know that plenty will tell me to ‘woman up’ here but I’d really appreciate some advice on how to do that please.

This is NOT a stealth boast:
I’ve recently been promoted to a senior management role within my organisation. I worked really hard and deserved the promotion, my director is pleased with me. It was a massive jump (grade and salary-wise)and probably unexpected by a lot of colleagues. Most have been really supportive though.

A colleague who I had worked side-by-side with - we both had the same role at the same grade - now reports to me. To be clear, she didn’t apply for the role, she absolutely doesn’t want my title and I believe her. HOWEVER, she is very experienced - more so than me in some areas - and likes the kudos of being the boss. She’s nearing retirement and has long service in the organisation so has earned respect for her abilities.

She has a reputation of being a bit prickly, calls a spade a spade, doesn’t mind offending people, etc. She’s kind and pleasant sometimes to people who ‘know their place’ if you know what I mean.

I have worked very hard to ensure she doesn’t feel usurped, to include her in decision making as appropriate, ‘massaged her ego’. Generally this works, however, often she will be really rude or issue a brief, blunt ‘verbal attack’ out of the blue. I’m always taken aback by it as it is so out of context. It’s often in front of colleagues both within and outwith our team.

I think her behaviour says much more about her than it does about me, but now I’m thinking that my tactic of ignoring her or giving her ‘a look’ is now making me appear weak.

My weakness is that I have not been promoted gradually and learned to deal with this as I go. I really don’t want to appear unprofessional (as I think she does) by entering into anything verbal with her. And, if I’m entirely honest, I am a little intimidated by her.

I have new staff in my team - quite young and impressionable- and I’m concerned that they will think it acceptable to speak to me like this. I’m confident that I will nip it in the bud with them, but how do I deal with her without making my life a misery? She will not take it well.

I know how weak I sound. Please be kind

Why are you trying to make her feel not usurped - she has been - you need to act like her manager and not apologise for it.

Factually you may have been promoted without the necessary skills to deal with this if you are asking.

Practically you need to address it and it won't be easy. If you address in private have good examples ready - is it an attitude or anything she is actually saying - phrases like "your attitude may be perceived by others to be...." means that you are acting as an observer to her behaviour rather than accusing her from you if that makes sense.

You may need to call her out in front of the team if she is being openly hostile - what exactly does she say - what does verbal attack mean ? You need to be specific if you do address her on it. If she just makes you feel bad and intimidated and it's just the way she says it then it's harder to call out.

You need to be careful that you are not projecting your feelings on the situation and that she is actually doing something "wrong" and you can define it.

And definitely don't give her a "look" either address or ignore

I certainly wouldn’t have pandered to her in the first place tbh, you gave the power away. You don’t need to apologise for your promotion, either in words or with you actions (which is what you did by trying to make sure she didn’t feel usurped).

Going forward, I think it might work if you take advantage of her wanting to be in charge, and give her something to be in charge of (that isn’t you!) Choose an area of work, and present it to her positively, in terms like “I know that you’ll be able to use your considerable experience to make this area truly shine” and “I’m really looking forward to seeing the results we’ll get from this”. Don’t give her a choice about it, don’t say things like “I’d like to give you this task, if it’s ok with you” , say “I’m giving this to you” - the language you use is key.

To address your apparent feelings of inadequacy about having missed out on the steps on the ladder, you don’t learn management skills as you go up the ladder, you learn them as soon as you become a manager whatever level that may be.

I’d suggest you find yourself a mentor aswell to help you navigate it.

Great advice re mentor

carrots "Factually you may have been promoted without the necessary skills to deal with this if you are asking"

what a ridiculous thing to say. OP is clearly capable of dealing with the situation but is looking to discuss different ways to deal with the issue.

OP if it was me I would have a meeting with her, informally, and try and approach it in a gentle but firm way. if youre not comfortable doing that then I would have to ensure that you answered back to any of her remarks with a prepared sentence that is clear what she has said is not acceptable. I would prefer the meeting as it would show her you are on to it and not accepting it but also not going to potentially cause a scene. rubbish situation and I have been in similar recently!

Watching with interest as in a similar situation!

Starting to hate this 'if your a manager you should know how to manage' attitude on here, as if you if are not a fucking guru who knows how to deal with every scenario how dare you get promoted.
I lead on a mostly technical team - I'm great at my niche - man management comes quite frankly as a unwelcome burden.

My value to my company is not in that I can manage snippy remarks from Darren in accounts 😁

If you have peers, then getting a small group together to discuss management decisions in confidence is a great way of getting a sounding board for decisions/hearing how others are dealing with stuff.

I'd suggest "let's discuss this later" followed by moving on briskly rather than getting into anything in front of others. But...is there anything that you have seen or heard that actually makes you feel that your action/inaction here is really being seen as weak, or is this a "might be" that you're worrying about?

Thanks all for your feedback.

Carrotsandpeas
Why are you trying to make her feel not usurped - she has been - you need to act like her manager and not apologise for it.

Partly because she is experienced which helps with quite a ‘young’ team (new team not ages of staff) and I’d like to ‘keep her sweet’, partly because she is quite confident of her own importance and doesn’t respond well to any perceived lack of respect. I’m just trying to build a harmonious team dynamic. Good point though. Also, I believe I do have the skills to deal with this; I’m just looking for some advice. I can easily be confrontational-that doesn’t scare me (much! 😂) but I’d like to sort this as nicely as possible so that she doesn’t feel she has lost face.

Isleepin
You’re right. I made a conscious decision (not to give her power - which I obviously have) but to treat her differently due to her temperament. Now I need to get the power back.
I’ve definitely given her things to be in charge of - as I say, she has more experience in certain areas than me. She takes on tasks but is sometimes difficult at crucial points - insisting I get involved when I haven’t been up to that point so I have to quickly get up to speed. I feel she sometimes tries to sabotage but nothing I can actually call her out on,

User6
I did think of having a meeting with her. I am also considering just saying at the time, “Please don’t speak to me like that. If you have a problem with this let’s discuss it later” (or something like that).

Cucumber
Nothing has actually happened to suggest some already see me as weak. I’m just concerned I do (or will) if I don’t fix this.

Arrange a catch up with her to discuss her progress and bring that up as one item, give her the examples of where she is not behaving professionally and ask her the reason behind it , challenge her basically is what you have to do.

Advise her of how her attitude may be perceived by other members in the team and you are relying on her to set a marvellous example and agree that if she has concerns she should talk to you direct.
If she does it again then i’d go down the formal route with HR. It’s s behavioural issue that you are seeing and it needs to be addressed , just like you would with any other member of your team.

Also on the point of asking you to get involved at the last minute , why does she do this ? Does she require a descision from you or guidance ? If not then i’d express that you’d like her to own that piece from start to finish without having you Shadowing her , it takes away the point if delegating the task in the first place.

Thanks Lefty. I think that a catch up is a good idea.
I think, if I called her on her behaviour, she'd deny it - say she didn't mean it or I've taken it the wrong way. So there are certain things I can't call her on. There's plenty I can though.

I think she likes to involve me to make things difficult. She often says things like 'more than my pay grade', 'I'm not (my job title)'. For clarity, I never ask her to do anything beyond what would be expected of her grade.

When I applied for the role, the few people who knew said,"oh, xxx will not be happy" or "what will you do about xxx?" Even during my interview, I was asked how I'd deal with her ("certain team members" was how it was phrased) who may not be happy that you have progressed? So it's no surprise that she's a difficult character.

This made me laugh - when she found out I was successful in my application, she kept threatening to leave. I just smiled and breezily said, "ok you can let me know" with a tinkly laugh. I bloody wish she would!!

If she’s been outspoken in front of other team members she can’t really deny it. But first i’d explain how it could be perceived and you don’t expect it from her level of experience .

In terms of her saying “beyond my pay grade” I would list out her roles and responsibilities from the job spec and remind her that it isn’t. That’s when you can start to evidence performance issues if you wish .
You need to put her in her place and firmly.
I would also arrange for cross knowledge sharing from her to your other members of staff, you say that she has certain areas of skills that you don’t , well that’s a single point of failiure , plug that up with arranging for others to cross trained so she doesn’t think she holds all the aces.
Management is hard but ask yourself how would you deal with this situation if it was anyone else , don’t give her special treatment OP x

Speak to her on her own about it. Before you do that think about what you will say. Then run your approach past your line manager or HR. This protects you and your organisation. Then speak to her in line with that.

What @GOODCAT said is also good advice , defo prepare what you are going to say and think in advance of what she will likely counter with so you can have a response ready.

I echo speaking to your manager and HR to make them aware of what is happening and how you plan to address it x

Do you work in my office? Are you my boss?! We have a very similar dynamic in our office and it's quite amusing to watch the power struggle go on.

I think it’s a common scenario that happens in every company. It’s happening in one of our side teams and it’s happened to me when I was brand new in my old company as a manager. I quite enjoy having difficult conversations so it helped me fine tune my skills in that arena. Every day’s a school day

Who does her appraisals? Is it you?

I don't think so Fatted but maybe....

I don't think a power struggle is obvious to anyone else, certainly not from my side. There's no struggle - I have my job to do and she has hers. I do expect a certain level of professionalism. Im happy to disagree, debate, etc, but it's not ok for her to be rude, especially in front of others.

And to answer the question: I do her appraisals.

Thanks again for input