Relationship Help

[Steve11111]

Hi

I thought this might be the right place for help as you’ll all have the perspective of being a mum. Sorry if the post is long winded but trying to include everything so you understand everything fully.

I’m 1.5 years into a relationship with a 30 yr old girlfriend who has a 7 yr old daughter with a previous partner. She split up with her daughters father six months after she was born as he was cheating on her and has met several guys through online dating over the years but as far as I’m led to believe nothing much has ever come from them and they’ve never been introduced to her daughter, so that’s 6 yrs of raising a child herself with a lot of help from the child’s grandma.

I am 35, had my fair share of living with past girlfriends but never had any kids. I have 3 nieces and two nephews and have taken part in their upbringing so I have a reasonable understanding of how to raise children. I met my gf through online dating; her profile was hidden and she approached me through private message. I found it a bit secretive but she said it was due to the volume of weirdos messaging her, so I accepted that as fair enough. Her Facebook account is totally locked down so you can’t see anything/contacts etc and over the first few months I did see her phone flashing up with guys texting her late at night but swallowed it down and accepted that modern dating means folk playing the field until they commit. Bit crap but that’s how things seem to go.

We met, things seemed good, a few months in she introduced me to her daughter which I understood to be a big deal for her and all three of us went on holiday about six months in. All going ok, usual ups and downs and her struggling to cope with me making suggestions about her daughter etc. Nothing significant-just maybe this would work etc, trying to be helpful. Appreciate it’s hard to let someone in with your child but it’s all just trying to help / good intentions.

She was renting a flat, I own a house nearby and jumping back and forth was frustrating so I suggested they moved in after the first year. She has significant debts so realistically was never going to be able to pull enough together for a deposit on a house. I moved stuff out, painted my spare room pink for her daughter and did what I could/ let her make changes so that it felt less bachelor pad and more family home.

I borrowed money from family to get the full house deposit together so am paying that back along with the usual mortgage payments. When she moved in we agreed to split the bills 50/50 but she asked me how much the mortgage was so I said it was £X + £PaymentToMyFamily. I said I don’t expect you to pay half of this but it would obviously make things easier. She took great offence at this. I earn more than her, but am throwing excess salary at this family loan to clear it sooner. I do work a lot of hours and I do get stressed as I feel the pressure of having been on my own and having to be 100% responsible for everything as all past gfs have come in, taken when times are good then disappeared so I never get the feeling of a team effort or sharing responsibility etc. I’m trying to do up the house and get savings back in the bank so we are set up for the future and have a nice life. But my gf and I have been fighting probably every fortnight since she moved in. Something in the house breaks so she complains about it but doesn’t offer to share the replacement cost, research a solution, help in any way and just says it’s my responsibility as it’s my house. Which I understand to a point because it is, but then it’s meant to be us building a home together!? I’m working a lot to improve the house but she keeps saying it’s not for us it’s just for me and I respond that we all benefit from it but she doesn’t see it like that. It’s getting incredibly frustrating for me as she keeps throwing stuff like that at me and I can’t see why - surely someone in massive debt with a child being given a house to live in is a great thing!? She didn’t have the struggle of pulling most of a deposit together yourself, no responsibility to keep onto of a mortgage etc, she is getting all the benefits without the responsibilities and being able to pay off her debts that she’d never have been able to before.

It’s causing a real problem between us, my family think she’s just using me to clear hers debts and my trust in her and our relationship is rapidly deteriorating. Her secretive nature is playing on my mind and I’m feeling more used every day. I try to talk to her about things but it never seems productive and it just feels more like she’s not committing to the relationship and the future.

I just don’t know what to do to make things right.

Just to add, there’s very little affection in our relationship; I am quite an affectionate person and like contact etc, but all I get is a peck on the lips goodbye in the morning and occasionally a peck good night before bed. Never any hugging, kissing with tongues, touching in passing etc. We do have sex occasionally, on her terms. I do try instigating kissing, touching, sex etc but constantly shot down which is killing my confidence and self esteem.

I have to say I think she's using you. She might not have at first, but it's a bit too good for her to leave isnt it? I've sadly always found that relationships that are so out of balance in any way, intelligence, financially or other are prone to one side feeling resentful or taking the piss.

Her attitude when things breaks is completely unacceptable and to be honest may show what her attitude to life is as a whole. It's not my problem but I will expect You to fix it for me.

I think the relationship has run its course and you know it. If you want to fix it, you could try counselling but it requires effort from both sides....

It’s not good is it? I think your relationship has run it’s course. You don’t sound as if you like each other.

Financially I can see both sides tbh but I would say stop moving all your girlfriends in.

It's not clear from your post - what exactly does she contribute?

How is it split for bills and food? Did she end up contributing anything towards a mortgage at all?

There is another viewpoint. The house is NOT HERS. You are not offering to marry her or out her on the deeds. You could kick her out tomorrow. Any money she contributes towards the house could be dead money if the relationship breaks down as she will see zero return. She will not have any right to anything.

If she was your sister would you be encouraging her to contribute towards someone else's mortgage with no guarantee of well, anything at all?

It's poor financial judgement. She is legally 100% alone. There have been threads here from women who contributed to a partners mortgage for years and years, bought furniture, helped pay for renovations and then the bloke meets someone else and suddenly that just money down the drain as there is no legal obligation for the bloke to return one penny of it.

I agree with Elspeth, it isn't her house and therefore if you're making improvements to the house then whilst it might benefit all of you living in the house you'll benefit from any financial gain.

In her situation I'd be happy to contribute 50/50 to bills and other costs but I wouldn't be paying someone else's mortgage. You were managing to pay that before she moved it. If she had an interest in the property or you moved and she was on the mortgage then it would be different.

Putting that aside, it doesn't sound like it's going too well. Can you talk to her about how you're feeling?
I think you're right to question if it's working but you also sound a little bit judgmental. You're not her white knight and she's not a helpless child but from your posts it sounds like you think she should be grateful or something. This is a relationship and not a transaction.

Agree with pp. You think she should be so grateful to you.

If you split up tomorrow, she would have fuck all. It was you who suggested she move in to your home. So she is basically a lodger. I can see how she is feeling resentful. This is probably why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

You need to call it a day. The relationship is too unequal.

This relationship is going nowhere. Time to cut your losses. It isn't going to improve and after only 1.5 years you should still be happy with a good sex life.

As an aside though, it is your house. She shouldn't be paying anything towards it. Only 50/50 on bills. Something to bare in mind next time.