Considering my relationship. Is it over?

[Longflight]

I have been with my husband 12 years and we have a child together. A few months ago he became secretive and distant, always taking his phone everywhere. I became lonely and felt extremely down.

I found porn, images and videos over naked women...on his phone. He had repeatedly lied about this, but I then had the evidence and when I asked him about them, he got real mad. He messaged the guy who been sending them to him and asked him to stopped sending it. He admitted he had been viewing them but said he hadnt searched for it.

I explained that it didn't make me feel good about myself, if he needed to watch other women doing intermit things or having sex. He said some really horrible things including stating that our relationship was over months ago. He then said that he only said this because we were arguing.

Some months have past now and whilst there have been positive changes, such as he's not so secretive or distant anymore, I am still hurt by what he said. My confidence as also been affected, Im a size 8/10 but absolutely hate my body, my face, my appearance and everything about me now.

I no longer view him as the man I thought I married, as I didn't think he would hurt me as he has.

Ive considered ending the relationship and ask for a devorce on a few occasions, explaining that he will then be free to find someone he really does fancy and is attracted too as I understand that I've aged over the years we've seen together. He says that I've over reacted and blown it all out of proportion.

Do you think I've taken it all the wrong way?

No I would be more worried about what else he has hidden from you. You will always wonder what could be if you stay, instead move on and make a happy ending to this

Sounds like he’s been watching porn 🤷🏼‍♀️ I was very tolerant of it, my first bfs dad was a lorry driver and would send it to his own son! So I thought it was normal viewing for all men. Only being older and with my own dd now I think it’s morally wrong.

No advise as I can’t but it’s up to you what your deal breakers are

Some women are absolutely fine with their husband watching porn and some aren't. I fall into the second category. You have to decide which you are and tell your husband. Good luck.

To me it seems it's your confidence issue you need to work on. Personally, I think most men ( and a lot of women) watch porn, and most of them in secret. It's not something you say 'babe off to have a wank to youporn'.

I also don't think it's any reflection on the attraction and love to their partners.

Of course there's those with porn addictions and obviously that's when it becomes a lot more serious. This doesn't seem like the case here?

It does seem like your overreacting imo and very extreme to throw your marriage away for what is a few porn videos. But it's also totally understandable you feel this way if your confidence is low.

What would bother some people, doesn't bother others.

I think I am most hurt by he's statement that our marriage was months ago..... plus he know that for me porn was a big no no, as I had made that very clear in the past. His lying about it was not good from a trust perspective.

But if he really thought that our marriage was over months ago, why wouldn't he agree to a devorce.

It sounds like he’s become disrespectful and lost interest in you. Do you generally feel taken for granted by him? I’m guessing he’s not happy but maybe too lazy to actually end things? That could be why he said it had ended months ago? He can’t say something like that and then expect to brush it under the carpet

I think the issue here is trust - there is none. And why would there be? He lied to you about the porn for starters. Whether you don’t mind the use of porn or you do isn’t the issue, it’s the dishonestly.

And then he’s deliberately tried to hurt you by saying the relationship is over. Perhaps another lie but why shake that tree? It sounds like he was embarrassed to be caught out and has lashed out to get back at you. Very immature.

I suppose you have to ask yourself: do you want to work this out or is the hurt too deep? If this had just happened I’d say the feeling to leave him might be a bit knee jerk, but it happened months ago and you feel the same way.

If you do still love him and want it work it out then more power to you. Throw yourself into saving your marriage by insisting on some counseling to rebuild the trust (something incredibly hard to do even in the best of circumstances).

Or if not, cut your losses and go find yourself a better, happier version of your life.

I honestly wish you the best of luck either way