Dealing with my partners other family

[Elou1805]

Just finding it hard to watch my partner of 10 years play happy family's with his daughters mum. We seperated for 8 months a few years ago and he had a one night stand who got pregnant. We also have a 7 month old. Please help I'm considering walking away :(

Presumably you knew when you got pregnant he had another baby? If so what's changed for it to become a problem?
I would think seeing a man treating his child and child's mother with respect was a good thing.

I never said it was a bad thing, it's just difficult to see them enjoying days out together while I'm at home with our son, she posts photos of them all over social media. It's just difficult to see, he leaves our home to spend Christmas morning there and any other special occasion. I'm sure you can understand how heart breaking it is after a 10 year relationship

Oh OP that's awful, I really truly feel for you.

In your heart of hearts do you want to be with him or do you just not want him to be with his "other" family as you put it?

As I think that would give you your answer as to whether you should walk away or not x

Why do they need to do days out or him go to her house on Christmas?

Op om sorry you're in this situation!

Have you discussed what will happen when your baby has Christmas this year? Did he make an effort Christmas past? This would be hard for me take aswell.

It must hurt your heart to see this but it's great he's so involved with his other child. Other than this, how are things?

What makes you want to walk away?

My point exactly, he doesn't need to see her, just the child. She won't let him take the child out without her, and apparently Christmas morning was the only time he could see her, being honest I think she's malicious and wants him around but he won't challenge her in case she stops contact. He went to there house at 7am on Christmas morning and came home at lunch time and we had Christmas Dinner etc but it was just awkward, my sons first Christmas was miserable, and I dread any other special occasion because of how it felt to spend Xmas morning alone

Why is he spending time with his dd's mother? Can he not just pick his dd up and spend the time with her, bring her to your house when he has access?

I can't complain about him for anything else, it was such a painful situation her even getting pregnant never mind it affecting our little family for the rest of our lives. It's just too painful to share him if I'm being honest, maybe it's easier being seperated instead of me keep being upset, I also feel guilty for my son being put in to this mess. I love my son dearly but if I was as mature back then as I am now I would of left the relationship and not had his child

So let him bring her to court for proper unsupervised access - weekends at yours etc. This arrangement is ridiculous and the fact that he left you and your baby on Christmas morning is unacceptable. Did you speak up at the time? Have you told him how this arrangement makes you feel?

Why isn't he seeing his dd on his own? Or better still introducing her to her sibling and his home? Are you sure he isn't still seeing this woman and having the best of both worlds?

She doesn't hold all the power. If she threatens to withhold contact, he takes her to court. Simple. Or as simple as he wants it to be.

You need to have a proper conversation as these arrangements are not sustainable.

It's partly my fault. When the child was born I agreed to have no contact but to be honest the only reason for that was of how painful it would be to meet the child! I have suggested bringing her here but the mother won't allow, they also live about an hour away. He doesn't see he's doing anything wrong except stepping up for this child

When you say you "agreed"; what do you mean? Agreed with who? Or do you mean you alone said you didn't want contact? Understandable to begin with. But you have come to terms with it and she's needs to come to terms with the fact he is in a relationship with you.

The mother doesn't get to "allow" how or where contact takes place. The courts do.

I alone said I didn't want contact, which also caused all kinds of awkwardness with his parents and siblings. People starting acting strange around me being careful what they said etc. It's just been a car crash ever since, I wish we'd never got back together cus this has ruined everything we built and I feel the only answer is to walk away

Well then that's your choice

You dont want to include his other child in your family unit. So what did you expect him to do? Did you secretly think and hope that contact would not be continued?

You have two choices you accept that your little family unit is now you, your ds and your dp child. That means visitation changing and your dp doing what ever it takes to make that happen.

Or you separate.

I totally get why this is painful for you. He is, though, doing the right thing: prioritising the relationship with his child over any discomfort etc about relating to the child’s mother.

My dad had a child with someone else and had an absolutely toxic relationship with the other mother. It may possibly have made things easier for my mother - though she ended up being the contact person as a result - but it 100% made things hard for my sibling and indeed for us as a result, trying to understand how we all related to one another. I wish our dad and siblings mother had managed to be civil and even happy about it all.

My mum at first was reassured by the absolute severing of relations between her husband and the other woman, and by their inability to be around each other, but it didn’t last long. Because ultimately moving on and getting along is better all round.

Can you talkto him about how you feel and explain you probably just need to make your own plans and start thinking about your own family rituals etc so you feel like you share something / can plan something together?

It sounds absolutely awful. I wouldn't be able to deal with it tbh and it would be over.

Wtfodo, I disagree that he is doing the right thing, as he should have applied for access and to be allowed to take the child on weekends etc. if for some unknown reason he wasn't granted that access in court and his only option was visitation with the mother present then yes it would be the right thing, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

He has another child now and risking the relationship with the OP, and the home environment that that child currently grows up in.

The right thing for him to do is to be involved in both childrens lives, and facilitate a relationship between the 2 children and he needs to try to do that.

If that means he has to be on his own and seek access from both mothers then so be it.

Well you chose to get back with him when you knew he had a child, yes?

It sounds a bit like you have been doing the "pick me dance" but I may have misunderstood.

This is clearly making you unhappy and he doesn't appear to be helping so if you want to split then do it. Life is too short to spend in such misery.

Maybe you should tackle solo counselling to understand your feelings better. You don’t want contact with the child and you resent that contact involves contact with the child’s mother. Given that the child exists, what is your ideal way of this working?

His child disappearing in a puff of smoke isn’t an option but I get the feeling that really, really still wish it was and this cycle of regret that you appear to be stuck in isn’t particularly helpful or conducive to moving forward.

Separating is always an option but I don’t think it will change the negativity that you associate with his other child. You child’s future may involve having a relationship with his sibling and you wouldn’t want your issues to negatively impact you r child, would you?