Considering leaving a relationship that isnt awful, just meh.

[TravellingSpoon]

Has anyone done this, and how did it pan out?

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We have 3 DC's, the youngest being 10. He is a good man and I love him as a best friend, but I just dont love him as a husband any more.

Just over three years ago, at Christmas, he told me that he wanted to leave and I was devastated. I found out he had 'feelings' for someone else, which he admitted but then denied it happened, but I saw the messages. At that time he treated me badly, and said some really awful things about me, but after a couple of months he came back home and we began building our lives together again, but I have lost a lot of trust and the dynamics of our relationship changed. For example I was a SAHM before but I got a job when he left and I have worked ever since. I dont rely on him at all any more and feel more confident. I also have my self-esteem back.

When he came back I put in lots of effort to try and make things better, and fix all the things he didnt like, but three years in I am just feeling so deflated about our relationship. He refuses to attend counselling and any time I try and talk to him he turns it around on me, makes me out to be the bad person, delusional or that I dont try, I dont want to live my life like this. I am in my mid 30's and the idea of being like this for the next 50 years is unbearable.

But on the flip side the children will be devastated, and I dont know if I can do that to them. They would hate me.

Were you high school sweethearts? It sounds as though you've grown up together, which is why you're such good friends, but that might also be why you're not romantically compatible anymore.

But, he also sounds like an arse, tbh. He almost walked away, destroyed you emotionally, and expects you to be back to how you were with no effort on his part? Is he such a prize that 'not actually walking away' is all he has to do?

Yeh it sounds like he turned you off having "feelings" for somebody

I left dd1 dad 22 years ago because I felt like you. I out grew him. He slept with a friend of mine even though he denied it (years later she admitted it)

There were a few wobbles when I thought ‘WTF am I doing?’ But I pushed on with it.

I’m happy I did as I met DH.

OP imagine that free feeling. Where you know your standing on solid ground. Your still really young.

My dd1 was younger than yours but you have to think that these kids will grow up and move out and then you will be in your forties trying to start all over again

Well it certainly isn’t a good relationship and sounds pretty entitled to me - thinking that it’s ok for him to be ‘attracted’ to someone else (what was it really? Flirting? Emotional affair?) and then make no effort at to save the marriage he had just destroyed.

You tried to make it all work. It didn’t work because you can’t do that all on your own. He needs to make some efforts and change rathervthan making it it’s all your fault. He hasn’t. Why should you carry on trying to make it work or live a lie?

Personally, I'd categorise that one as awful.

Your situation doesn't sound 'meh', it sounds like it is awful!
any time I try and talk to him he turns it around on me, makes me out to be the bad person, delusional or that I dont try This doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who respects you - and I can't believe he told you at Christmas, that must have been a really crappy time having to try and make things jolly for your children's sake. Sounds like he broke the trust in your relationship, and you have outgrown him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Everyone thinks the children would be devastated and hate them!

The reality is that they adjust and are perfectly happy and it's a far better environment for them to be in a happy home without tension, and if you stay in this relationship then surely the tension will keep getting worse.

I feel for you and am in a similar situation as you. His actions have change who you are as a person and you view him in a different light, to how you used to (rightly so). This has now changed your relationship dynamics and sorry, but if I was you, I would know that in my heart the relationship is over and YOU would feel so much better without him x

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.
Do yourself a favour and divorce this toolbox.

So what work has he actually put in to making the marriage work after all that happened that Christmas? It sounds like you’ve been doing that yourself. Why won’t he go to counselling? Maybe you should book a session. Then go anyway either with or without him.

I do not think the DC will hate you I agree that the tensions and negative atmosphere will affect them in the long run.

You are not going to get anywhere with resolving the issues if he always turns things round on you. I remember posting here years ago about issues in my own marriage and someone said ‘you have got yourself a blamer’. Yep. Spot on. (spoiler: everything is still all my fault so prepare yourself for that one)

The questions you need to address are financially how will it work, who moves out, what the childcare arrangements will look like. If DC are still able to attend the same school and see their friends, that will help with routine and consistency for them, as will a clear pattern of when they see each parent.

Honestly, I was just reflecting on how glad I am that my DC are growing up in a peaceful atmosphere and able to be themselves. Financially we are way worse off as a result of prolonged legal proceedings (all my fault of course) but day to day, no comparison, it is just way better.

Thank you for the replies.

Yes we have been together since our mid/late teens and have grown up together. It isnt totally awful, he makes me laugh and when i got to all the effort we have a good time, but sometimes it feels like pushing a boulder up a hill and I am tired. We have very separate lives, jobs and hobbies.

Yes the trust is gone. He is desperate for me to not work and look after our children, including DS2 who has severe asd and other issues. I am scared that if I give up work I am losing my security blanket so this causes lots of tension around school holidays and him having to take time off work. I find it frustrating because he works for himself and on a normal week may work from home 2/3 times a week as well as going to the gym and playing golf at least once a week, sometimes more, but in holiday weeks its always a problem to work from home. This causes a lot of tension, which he lets just bubble away until he starts to make sarcastic comments.

He sounds like a horrible bully. Do not give up your job, which provides you with independence.
Organise yourself and make a plan to leave. You will be happier, and your children will adjust.
Good luck

This isn't meh. This is fucking awful.

I also have an ASD child. I'm the SAHM. DH and I don't have a stellar relationship, but weekends are my time off - my Mum gives him a lie-in on Saturday mornings by staying the Friday and doing breakfasts, and then he's on kid duty all weekend. I am in treatment for serious illness right now so she's doing my care in the weeks as well, but when I go back to doing that, the old routines, he will still do weekends. And he acknowledges that my job is bloody hard (DS is home edded, and very bright, but has a spiky profile - CAMHS and the OT and his ed psych all agree he needs a special school, but one that caters to extremely bright ASD kids, and there are none locally. We'll have to move areas for secondary). We just have very little energy for one another once the kids are sorted. What you describe is way worse than that - we are meh, right now. You are being treated badly.

Do NOT go home again, please. Stay in work. You can't trust him and he's looking out for himself. Can I ask what assets you have - is the house paid off, for example? He sounds self-employed which is likely to be bad news for ongoing support, so do NOT give up work again, and I'd see a solicitor quietly to establish your position.

He's not good to you at all. I wouldn't stay in your situation. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Your apathy is a self preservation mechanism to protect you from this awful person who has hurt you so badly and shown no remorse. This isn't 'meh' this is no more love left to give.