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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please advise me about divorcing man with no friends or family?

26 replies

JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 16:58

I can’t find a way to not go through with this but he has no one else in the world really....
His self pity and reminders that he’s depressed make it impossible for me to express my feelings and I’m
I’m a pretty difficult situation myself and devastated by the separation but it feels like he’s the only one allowed to express any anger or self pity. We have two quite young children and I feel half extremely angry and half terribly sorry and worried for him. Any stories of men pulling themselves out of depression like this?

OP posts:
Itsallpointless · 11/05/2019 17:10

I split with my partner last year after nearly 7 years together. He has a daughter whom he has a poor relationship with. Very little (like weddings/funerals) contact with immediate family members. His ‘friends’ are acquaintances, whom he only saw when doing his hobby.

I put off the split for a very long time due to these reasons. You know what? Within 6 months (probably less knowing the lying toad) he had someone else.

You are NOT responsible for another adult, do yourself a favour and separate. Life is too short to be unhappy.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/05/2019 17:15

Is his depression diagnosed? How long has he been suffering with it. Why hasn't he made any friends? what about work colleagues? Are you sure he's not just trying to make you feel sorry for him.

MatthewBramble · 11/05/2019 18:26

He is not your problem. Why are you worrying about this?

Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 18:43

I feel like he is my problem- he’s my childrens’ father and I don’t want them seeing him unhappy. He blames me for everything and because I haven’t always behaved well because he’s driven me to extreme despair and exasperation on many occasions I internalise all the blame.we've been separated a year and he’s completely alone. I I had been a gruelling year for me mentally and physically and I feel that his reminder he’s depressed is a warning not to ask for anything for him or for any acknowledgment of my own difficulties.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/05/2019 18:46

Is his depression diagnosed?

Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 18:47

No it’s not.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 18:48

He’s never taken any visible pleasure in much.

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 11/05/2019 18:50

I have wondered this myself. I'm separating from my husband after 20 years. He has no friends or family (apart from us). It makes me feel hopeless. But above posters are right. You, we, are not responsible for another adults happiness. We can make them happy and be with them but in the end, if we are not with them then they must do the work themselves.

AloneLonelyLoner · 11/05/2019 18:50

Also, it sounds like we're married to the same miserable man.

Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 18:52

Commiserations AloneMiserableLoner 💐

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/05/2019 18:55

His self pity and reminders that he’s depressed make it impossible for me to express my feelings Yes, that's deliberate of him.

it feels like he’s the only one allowed to express any anger or self pity Yes, that's deliberate of him

his reminder he’s depressed is a warning not to ask for anything for him or for any acknowledgment of my own difficulties.

It's all very convenient for him isn't it?

Just dump him, he really isn't you're problem.

GorkyMcPorky · 11/05/2019 18:58

My stepfather is like this. My DM left him 15 years ago. He left his job and has essentially done nothing for all that time. He's not in brilliant health but he doesn't try. She felt bad about leaving him but she was very active and frustrated by his lethargy. He gets by. We always invite him at Christmas but he never comes. He could seek support but he doesn't.

AloneLonelyLoner · 11/05/2019 19:02

It's been really good to read this thread. I have been feeling so shitty about it all. But it's good to know it is t just me. Today I was thinking that actually my husband's miserable face now that we're separating is actually not that different from the usual miserable face yet now he can blame it on me.

Mentalray · 11/05/2019 19:05

I am the billy no mates in my now dissolved marriage and I was the one to get a lawyer first. Men are lazy and will do their best to force the wives to do the heavy lifting so they can say the weren't the bad guy. Don't worry about him, he's probably happy for you to do the dirty work.

Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 19:16

He always used to blame me because we never had people round for bbqs etc but he helped me with zilch at home and didn’t organise or suggest one social activity in all the time I knew him. The friend he had who would always have social things going on with his wife was also very hands on at home abs pro active and also cooked. I had a young autistic child at home and the only help
My husband ever gave me was telling me I shouldn’t bother doing all the things I was doing like a blue arsed fly when I should be sitting on the couch with him .

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2019 19:19

Well he does have family. He has his children and he could have a lovely time on contact days if he choose. So l wouldn't be too sorry for him. It's his responsibility to look after his own mental health.
I say this as a wife whose dh has bipolar!!

Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 19:25

Thanks JuneBirthdayGirl. He could have lovely days with them but as he is not yet able to have them at his home he wants to stay at mine all day with them with me providing meals etc. This means I basically never get a break. Yes I could leave him to it but my you get child still breastfeeds and my husband would not find his way around meals etc. He’s jealous that I do fun things with them but he never takes the opportunity to do anything with them and sours anything we do together.

OP posts:
Itsallpointless · 11/05/2019 20:02

My ex was the village idiot (his words, wore it like a badge of honourHmm) he was embarrassing and inappropriate, and I would be very anxious in company with him.

His stupidity and attention seeking behaviour (among other things) led me to dislike him, and to have no respect for him.

When trying to split with him on many occasions, he would also play the depression card/lonely card. As I said up thread, didn’t take long for him to find some help!

It is much harder for you as you have children together, but think what the future holds for you, he’s sucking the life out of you. One of life’s emotional vampires.

Original poster
JanisJoplin73 · 11/05/2019 20:30

We gave a 5 year old and. 16 month old. They are “ his only joy” ( I’m not included in that scenario).
He was so depressed last week I ended up hugging him and then it became something I wasn’t comfortable with and when he tried to paw me this weekend when he visited the children and I told him it would confuse them he went sour and then “ depressed”.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 11/05/2019 20:39

So he has no friends, because he's not a friendly, helpful or even likeable person, but you're supposed to keep this unfriendly, unhelpful and unlikeable person as a life partner because of pity for him? Pffftt….

Give him a counselling pamphlet and tell him that getting his life on track is up to him now, and when he makes positive steps in that directly then he can make arrangements to spend time with his DC out of YOUR home.

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/05/2019 20:47

Boundaries asap. He needs to take the dc out for a couple of hours, not hang round YOUR home. Pack a picnic and hand them over at the door. He is an adult regardless of his whinging and claims of being incapable.

You are being too nice! And he is using that against you. Sitting around your home while you feed the dc and HIM i bet. I also bet you are doing the majority of the childcare on his 'visitations'. He plays the victim card as he has done for years. And you fall for it. You hug him and he sees this as you weaking and starts pawing you.

You only have his word that this is depression. He could just be a miserable bastard who enjoys playing the victim because it excuses him from life and responsibilities. He uses it to manipulate you and although you have found the strength to leave, you are still letting him and his 'depression' control your life.

I don't think he's actually coming to see the dc, he's coming to work on your sympathy and niceness. Any weakness on your part now and you'll sleepwalk into him getting his feet back under your table and his cushy life back.

Big girl pants. Don't allow him to keep controlling you. Don't let him through the door. Off to the park with a picnic!

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/05/2019 20:50

Also note how his 'depression' suddenly manifests when he doesn't get what he wants. You stop him pawing you and ta da he's suddenly depressed. Like magic isn't it? Almost like he can control it? !!!

HypatiaCade · 11/05/2019 20:53

Agree with @Thingsdogetbetter. Also, being depressed is very different from depression. Being depressed is a natural response to a shit situation (even a thoroughly deserved one). Depression is your mind's over the top response, and very often not in response to a particular situation. Many people in 'happy' situations have depression.

Likeamobvie · 11/05/2019 21:01

Surely part of the reason he's depressed is because he's with a woman who doesn't love or even like him? Think of it as releasing him.

PickAChew · 11/05/2019 21:07

I think you need to put your foot down about him coming to your home. As they get older, having him mooching around, being a fun sponge is going to be miserable for the kids and they'll come to dread his visits. Your autistic child, in particular, needs home to be a safe, happy space.

Besides, if they really are the main joy in his life, he will be happy to meet you all at the park, now the weather is getting warmer. If he finds an excuse not to turn up, then becomes "depressed" about not seeing the kids, tough titty for him. At the moment, though, he is being incredibly manipulative. You need to call the shots if he isn't going to be pro-active about making a meet up with the kids about them, rather than him and if he starts on about being drepressed, again, shut the conversation down and ask him when he is planning on speaking to his GP about his depression.

You are not his therapist and nothing you do will make him better, even if you had all the expertise he needed, because it doesn't suit him for that to happen.

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