People with poor boundaries

[EmptyChairsEmptyTables]

One of my close friends has really bad boundaries. It's like she can only do too close or strange and distance. She's right in my face - constant contact, double messages, requests to spend time together, intrusive questions. Then whenever I push back she will withdraw totally, acts odd and cold and takes a while to come back out of her shell. There are long periods when it's the sweet spot in between, but it never seems to last.

Does anyone else have any advice on how to deal with this? Why are some people like this? It's confusing, hurtful and exhausting.

I think some people with boundary issues find it hard to read situations. For example if you meet and have a really good chat/fun time and it made her and you both feel happy, she may well just want to set up another because of that. Maybe she really just enjoys your company and wants to become closer friends? If you ignore her or rebuff her after a nice time it does probably come across as though you didn't have a good time and she will wonder what she has done to upset you to make you stand-offish. It probably makes her question herself and the situation where she thought you two had a great time in detail, wondering whether she said the right thing or offended you somehow. After a few times of this she is probably retreating from you as she finds the behaviour confusing.

If you don't want a deep friendship you would be better off saying something clearly like "it's nice that we get to catch up so infrequently; it gives us more to talk about than if we saw each other every day!"

I don't think this is a close friend in reality , not with that degree of lack of empathy towards you.

Do the Briggs-Myers personality test for yourself and see what relationship style you have. It could explain and reassure you that your responses may just be normal.