DH abroad for work and alone with kids and resentful - advice?

[Londonmamabychance]

Asking for coping tips, and also if you think I'm unreasonable (I think I am but can't help it right now)

DH and I moved to my native country 6 months ago. Things haven't been easy, it's taken longer to find jobs that I thought it would for both of us, but now things are finally getting better, I got a job I'll start in a few weeks and DH got a job here too. Just before he was offered this job he was offered a short term gig (he's in a freelance industry) back in London where we used to live, and he really wanted to take it. I said okay even though I knew it's be tough in my own w the kids. We are staying at my parents house temporarily, but they are old and not terribly no helpful for a variety of reasons whichever would take too long to explain, but suffice it to say that I do everything w the kids apart from them occasionally cooking a meal or playing with the kids for 30 mins now and then. It's still a lot better than if I was on my own completely with them, I'm fully aware, but it's still tough. Kids are 2 and 4 and the youngest wake up several times a night still, and they're up at 6am usually. Back to the story, just after DH decided to take the job in London he got offered the job here, which would start immediately. Technically he was in a position to easily turn down the London gig, but he wouldn't not as he said he didn't want to burn his bridges. Although that company wouldn't mind at all. I'm convinced the main reason he wanted to go was to be with his friends and have a bit of a break. I totally unserstand that given he has no friends in this county and feels lonely and miss London (he's from another Country so no family in London, just close friends). I really thought he deserved this break and wanted to give him the opportunity, so I said okay to him going. But now, a week in, I'm so exhausted and resentful and grumpy. My younger has woken even more snce he left and cries for his dad, and I'm also dealing with finding a flat for us as well a as preparing for starting my new job in the last week he'll be gone. I feel exhausted and stressed out and every time he calls happily walking around London in his way to meet his friends at the pub, I feel resentment brewing. I have many friends here but no time to see them as my parents will not babysit unless absolutely necessary. I feel so jealous of his fun and freedom, I know it's a low emotion and trying not to bottle it in. So far I've managed not to break and be moody towards him or the kids, but feeling near breaking point. Any tips for how to deal with this situation and keep myself calm - and also, AIBU to be annoyed? I wish I was stronger and more independent and generous minded and could just manage all by myself and be happy he's having fun, but right now I feel like a bitter bomb about to explode.

Ps forgot to say he's away for three weeks in total

I don’t think you need to feel happy that you’ve been left on your own to deal with the dc, finding a flat and starting a new job, for three weeks. It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling annoyed.

I would just say, leave the flat hunting until he gets back and ask your parents to baby sit for a couple of hours so you can go out and see some friends. Other than that just take a deep breath and hope the next two weeks goes by quickly.

I have been where you are but it was Monday-Friday (coming home for the weekends) and this went on for a year! I had 4 young children at that point. I also felt resentful but I had a heavy workload and picked up the childcare slack at the end of the day/through the night. It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you do but it’s 3 weeks and he is working for the most part, not out having a good time every night with friends. The next couple of weeks will fly by and he’ll be back at home again soon.

My husband travelled 120 nights a year. When home he worked 10 hour days (out at 7am back at 8). I did resent it a bit but it’s what paid for our lifestyle (I gave up work after second baby). My parents were in late 70s/80s and did a little bit of babysitting but couldn’t cope with youngsters during the day and I had no other family. His side never helped. Anyway it’s a small space of time your husband’s away. Get on with it. My husband died when mine were 4 and 6. That made absolutely everything much much harder.

Mine also travels a lot. I used to resent him massively when I was a SAHM.
Now I work too and his travel has reduced so it really doesn't bother me anymore.

I think if this is a one off then just grit your teeth for a couple of weeks. He has moved to your home country after all which is a big thing for him.

I would tell him that you don't really appreciate daily phone calls telling you which pub he's heading too. You don't need to hear that.

Presumably you moved to your country to be near your friends and family, as you didn’t have jobs to love to and as your husband has no friends there. Given what he’s given up for you, it seems churlish to resent him being in London for three weeks - particularly as he’s working, not on holiday.

What AgentProvocateur said.

I think k you need to get a grip.

He's working earning money for your family. He's not off on holiday for 3 weeks. Would you rather he sat in every night after work?
Find a babysitter you can pay to come to your parent's house and arrange a night out with your friends

What are you doing for childcare when you start your new job?

Just to clarify, he was offered a job in this country but turned it down in order to go to London instead, spending money in flights and living expenses.

Which I understand, given that he has no friends here and not that happy here. Like I said, I know I'm not handling the situation well and have no right to feel in a bad mood, so just asked for advice how to cope better.

Has he got a job when he comes back?
can your friends come and see you, without the need for a baby sitter?

Yes he has a job when he comes back, he could've started it now, but postponed starting it in order to go to London first. Which I understand, just tired now. We are currently staying with my family in a far say from where I grew up, so sadly have no friends here, need to travel to see them.

I understand why you feel this way but it’s done now, you can’t change it, so you might as well be gracious about it to your DH. You said he could go so it’s not fair to now be angry he took you up on it. Be nice about this and understanding and when you need a break he will hopefully be the same. He’s gone for two more weeks, one way or the other, and that’s not changing. The money is spent (although he should have negotiated that into the job offer IMO.) And yes, you are extremely lucky to have the support you have from your parents. Maybe it’s not as much as you would like but for those of us who are on our own with small kids for a lot more than theee weeks with absolutely no family help at all it looks pretty good.

Why do t you both go back to London? It seems you'd both prefer it?

Lone parent here. How do you cope? Well my experience was to just crack on with it. I felt massive resentment towards my exH for disappearing from our lives but found I collapsed into a circle of depression and bad feelings when I focused on it.

I changed my mindset and focused on building the best possible life for my DCs. I tried to focus on what was good and not what was bad.

I cannot say it was easy but found that if I focused on today it was much easier than thinking gloomy thoughts about how I was going to cope with the kids on my own forever.

He was probably homesick and wanted to go back for a little break, seeing as he'd been given the chance. And it's only 3 weeks although it doesn't sound as though either of you are particulatly happy where you are. So your home country isn't his hc? Where is it? Just for context.

And as far as your parents are concerned, it is exhausting looking after little ones when you get older. Especially 2 and 4?

If it was a longer term situation I’d be more concerned about the money etc but practically it’s only 3 weeks and you’ve done one already. He’s given up a lot for you in the longer term, perhaps give him this opportunity to enjoy himself now.

I don’t blame him for not cutting off the London job especially if the other one is happy to accept the delay. This trip might be pointing out how much he’s giving up though so be aware this is a potential hazard if you let it become one.

Try to get a baby sitter for one night out with your friends, make time for an activity you enjoy (bath/book/ tv show) most days and try to get a bit of a pamper in every few days or treat yourself to a different tea / juice etc doesn’t need to cost much. I found by doing things I liked/wanted it reduced my resentment hugely, especially free days out to parks etc. As I was enjoying myself and less jealous of his child free fun.

I think the main way to feel less resentful about things is to carve out some time for yourself. I think it would also help if you can get some more sleep. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel 10x worse.

What is your plan for childcare once you are both working? Can you get the DC into nursery/school/pre-school now so you have a bit of time off? Is there a sitter.com or equivalent? Can you get a babysitter in to get yourself some time off so you can sleep or meet up with your friends?

I understand why you feel as you do but in 14 days your DH will be back so I think it's really a question of pushing through at this point.

In future you will know it doesn't work for you so if he is to make similar trips going forward you will need to put plans in place to provide some extra support. This too shall pass!

My husband is in the military and is away for the first time since the eldest was tiny, now they are 2 and 3. He won't be back until November and it's pretty crap. Some days I feel completely overwhelmed as I work full time and also spend several hours every night awake with both of them unsettled because he's gone. I'm exhausted and it's only been a month, 5 to go . My advice is just take it one day at a time and try not to think about the enormity of the situation. Break it down into little chunks of the day and be kind to yourself

Doesn't sound like he really wanted to move to your country.

I understand how exhausting your life must be especially as your children are only 4 and 2 and you're sleep deprived. My husband was away for 6 months last year and is now often away during the week. I do understand. However, you agreed to it and its only 3 weeks. It'll be over in the blink of an eye. He has given up a lot to agree to move to your country so I think he should be cut some slack. My husband is desperate for me to move to his country but I keep saying no. Its a huge thing to leave the country you feel at home in.

I I really thought he deserved this break and wanted to give him the opportunity, so I said okay to him going.

It sounds like you are being unreasonable. You've only two kids to look after for three weeks and you said YES when he asked. It's unfair to feel resentful of him because you have changed your mind

Why don't you try and crack on with things and try and be happy that he is enjoying himself.

Thanks for all your input, I do think I'm being a bit unfair and am. Is really trying to be kind to him about it and not show any resentment. It's only three weeks as you say. I don't know how thise of you who said that your partners are away for months or who are permanently single
Parents cope. I'm in awe if you.
To those of you who said it doesn't sound like he really wanted to move to my home country, you're entirely right. The thing is that we were really struggling financially in London, and in the U.K. There are not really job opportunities for us outside London due to very niche industries. We also struggled w no family around. My home country is a scandinavian country with hugely subsidised childcare and cheaper house prices, plus family help, so just seemed like a more viable long term option. Since things haven't got off to the easiest start here and I'm myself dealing w reverse culture shock after 16 years in the U.K., I didn't ask him if he wanted to move back to London. But he himself said that he thought now we've finally got jobs in the capital city here, we should give live there a try, as living in a small town w my family doesn't no really give us a realistic impression of the life we can have in this country. Brexit also influenced our decision (sorry to bring up the B word). If we moved back to London we'd be faced with the same issues again of having to either live in expensive v small flats near the centre or live much further out and both have jobs and commute and rely on a nanny to pick up the kids or for me to stay home for some time while the kids are young, and as you can tell from my original post being a SAH mum isn't something I'm very good at, I find it v stressful. But I am worried he'll fall back in love w London and be homesick even more when he returns, so guess this is another reason for my general unease about this situation. I myself miss London a lot, so also feel nostalgic and sad when he talks about seeing people and places I miss too. I guess it's just a difficult situation and I feel emotional about finally finding our own home in this country and starting a new job, but doing it while he's back in London and focusing on his old friends and old employer and reconnecting with what we are supposed to move on from. Again, not blaming him, just thinking about it. We've said we could
Perhaps move back to London at a later stage when the kids are out of childcare so that expense is cut, but right now I want to focus on making a life in this country, and seeing him back in London makes me miss it.