Would it work to live in different places?

[TornBetween]

DH and I have been married for 4 years and have a DD who is one. I am from Devon and he is from London. We met in London when we were working together. We live in a rented one bedroom flat and it's very expensive, we need to move and ideally buy somewhere but everything is very expensive and would be a huge stretch financially.

I get homesick a lot. A lot of my friends and family still live in Devon. DH likes it when he is there but does mock the area a bit and is very London focussed. I would love us all to live in Devon, we could afford a beautiful three bed home in a nice area, the catch would be work. Our industries aren't really there. I could find work doing something but DH's industry is London only really.

The thing is his work isn't going that well. He will get a decent job for a while (contractor) and then we won't know where the next one is coming from and he might not have any work for a month. With this I don't see how we can afford a London mortgage.

I would like to buy a home in Devon, bring our DD up there with less financial stress and be around my family and friends. I find London too busy, too polluted and too expensive. The problem is DH has his friends and family in London and loves the city.

I was wondering about us buying a place in Devon and keeping the rented flat in London if we can afford to- then we would be paying off a home and DH would have a London base to work from and DD and I could stay in Devon for the majority of the time. I just don't know if this would be the death knell for our relationship?

I think it would be a huge risk. If he gets a lot of London work you won’t be together much. And if he doesn’t get a lot of work he may resent being in Devon. He will miss three day to day of bringing up your daughter and that will impact all of you. I would imagine that over time this arrangement could wel lead to a split, and he would then be an even more distant father.

Can’t you find a cheaper area that’s commutable to London where you can all live together?

I guess it’s down to what is your priority. Being near family and friends or being together as a couple and being a team as a family.

You've raised a good point there about a cheaper area - I should have said this in the OP. He will not consider any area which is not where he is from. He only wants to buy a house. The cheapest one we can find (and it's not a nice one, on a road I don't like) is £700k. We can't afford that.

He is totally unrealistic about what we can afford. I also just want us all to be in Devon. In my opinion our DD would have a much better quality of life growing up there instead of struggling for money constantly in the city.

Sounds like bliss if you can make it work.

As you said OP he is being totally unrealistic. Why spend 700K you can’t afford on a grotty house! He needs to grow up a bit, people move around and they DO find work elsewhere outside of London. Just another perspective but my mum used to commute from Poole to London for work. He could commute and still see his family and friends. It’s not undoable.

@middersweekly - Poole is a long commute but Devon is another league of distance.

OP, are you from a part of Devon close to the Paddington-Plymouth fast(ish) train line? Even then it’s 3 hours on the expensive train plus whatever commute from Paddington.

Yes I'm from close to the station just a couple of miles.

@ManeChanged I didn’t mean to commute from Devon but somewhere in between. The Newforest or Southampton for example.

He wouldn't be able to commute but would be travelling in between for work but staying in London for maybe a week at a time.

@TornBetween - but that’s a week at a time away from you as a family unit. I would worry that would be the beginning of the end of your family life. However, only you know what would work for you.

I’m from Cornwall and I live in a London now. I miss Cornwall but I actually love raising kids in London, there is so much to do, so many potential friends due to density of population, so few school gate cliques given the diversity and choose of groups, such good schools, so many career opportunities for DH and I. When I go back to Cornwall in warm weather it is heaven but the every day life there would grind me down.

I don’t understand how you would afford a rent in London in addition to a mortgage because presumably you would not be earning as much? Possibly he could rent a room weekdays from someone and stay over one night or more a week but I think there’s potential for resentment to creep in if he’s out and about going to see friends and you’re doing all the childcare. I don’t really see his desire to stay with his friends and family as less legitimate as your desire to stay with yours. In his scenario you can’t afford a house and in yours he hasn’t got a job so you may both have to compromise which is what couples generally have to do in this scenario.

What does he think of this idea?

Can you realistically afford the mortgage on somewhere in the area of Devon you want, plus the rent on somewhere in London, plus his travelling and both sets of bills?

Could he afford to commute? I live not quite in Devon but very close and work in London. I commute 3 days a week and wfh the others. I’m home in time to put my dc to bed. We have a lovely big house with a garden and great schools.

This is a discussion you need to have with your husband. Because he is the one who will be making a hugely disproportionate sacrifice to do what you want. Personally I think unless he wants to live in Devon for part of the week, this is a non starter. That is how people make that arrangement work. The person commuting wants to live in the location. In this case he would be doing 5 days a week on his own away from family and then living in a place he doesn't want to live in.

Somewhere between London and Devon there is an affordable home where you can live together and commute . Its about compromise and dialogue.

There's a smattering of selfishness on both sides here. I would never want to put that much distance between us unless it was necessary and i would never want to inflict such a miserable existence on anyone

Your DH needs to start putting his family first instead of his career. I am fully with you on this OP, I love London, but Devon is such a beautiful place to bring your children up.

I know three mums whose husbands are in London during the week and home at the weekend. They all seem fairly happy with it though I know one has a five year cap on it before they all need to be together all week again. I think it’s very much a personality thing. A husband/father developing a single type of lifestyle away from the family unit would worry me constantly but then I was married to a man who would have abused that in so many ways so I’m probably not a good judge! You’ll know if you have the right type of relationship to make it work.